Newbie here - saying hi, got questions!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Newbie here - saying hi, got questions!!
1
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:44am
Hi! I would like to introduce myself. My name is Leanne and I will be getting married in October. We have decided, for both financial and career reasons, to delay TTC for 3-5 years.

The catch? Well, there are a few catches.

#1 - I'm 29, will be 30 at the wedding. I don't know where members of this board stand on the recent rash of info and debates concerning declining fertility - in fact I wanted to find a board as devoid of politicizing of this question as possible. On the one hand, there are studies that say a woman's fertility begins declining at 27. On the other hand, my mother conceived me only 2 weeks off the Pill, at age 29, and many women in my family have had trouble-free first pregnancies well into their 30's, and a couple have even waited until 40. All healthy babies.

I would love to hear about people's individual beliefs or experiences regarding waiting to try until in your 30's.

#2 - I know for a fact that my DF (DH-to-be) wouldn't mind starting earlier. We are both professional opera singers at the beginning stages of our careers... that is, we don't get work all the time, and when we do it doesn't usually pay that well. We also live in New York City, which is expensive. DF really doesn't want to go back to having to temp, so he teaches voice - and makes about half what I do (I don't know how he survives, frankly). We are just starting to talk about the logistics of pooling our finances.

The reality is, if we both want to pursue this career, until at least one of us becomes quite successful at it (and it's not a given that either of us will), a child should be out of the question IMO. We have some friends who are both at about our stage of career and have a baby, and it does make it extremely difficult. Bsically I am feeling that the only resposible thing to do would be for one of us to give it up, unless we both succeed. That is why I want to wait - to give us both time to really give this thing our all before we bring responsibility for another human being into the equation. DF sees the logic in this, although he really doesn't want to wait too long. We struck a bargain that we'll begin trying no later than when I'm 35, but unless I become very successful in the next few years (it's very hard for a woman to put in the career-building time with a baby), we won't try before I'm 33.

Anyway, we have to negotiate between our dreams - mine and his, our seriously unstable finances (unless one of us sucks it up and takes a job he/she doesn't really want), and our desire to eventually be parents!

Sorry for the minor novel ;-) But, these things are on my mind.

Any advice welcome.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:34pm
Hi and welcome!!

Unfortunately this board has been pretty slow, so hopefully with new members coming in we can get it a little more active.

Anyhow, I'm Jamie. DH and I are both college students looking for jobs. How fun? LOL. We are waiting, but are not sure for what as of yet or how long. It was supposed to be this past Sept., things went wrong, then it was supposed to be by Spring, but *I'm* not feeling quite ready. Kind of hit a pivotal confusing part of my life (once again, the joys of your early 20's) where I'm trying to decide where I want to be, what I want to do (in regards to moving, taking a year of school to join Americorps, study abroad, dropping a million pounds and moving to Hollywood to attempt acting, you know the *usual*) LOL.

As far as the age thing goes, you know, I'm sure that fertility does naturally drop around 27 or so, but that definitely doesn't mean that you can't have children past then. My mom was 36 when she had my little brother. There were some minor complications with him after birth (he's completely fine and has been), but she was also a smoker. One of my high school teachers was in her mid 40's when she got pregnant with her first and had a very healthy baby. My BIL and his wife are in their early thirties and have been trying for six months. A close friend of my mom's had a baby in her 40's and he has down's syndrome. On the flip side, one of my friends had a baby in her early 20's and he's recently been diagnosed as being autistic. What does all this mean? That it just doesn't matter. No two people are alike and there is ALWAYS an exception to the rule.

I think the most important thing if you choose to wait is to make sure you're prepared for the consequences (but, there's consequences regardless) and take very good care of yourself and make sure to stay under a doctor's care. There are no promises after that.

As far as your careers, that's something really personal. For some people, raising a baby is harder/easier than for others. Having kids doesn't have to be expensive (ie cloth diapering, breastfeeding, buying used, making baby food, etc). But, there obviously have to be some resources.

Are you guys living together? I think it's best to wait about a year into marriage, especially if you're not going to be living together until then. Then you can see how your finances look combined and it'll give you time to boost your career and see if things will work out.

Sorry to babble so much... :) Good luck!

Jamie