OMG PLEASE help me decide!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
OMG PLEASE help me decide!
15
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 11:13pm

Just a warning...this could get long!! Sorry, but it's really eating away at me! Here goes...

Hello ladies. I've been lurking here for a while, but I need some objective input here because hubby is of no use at all. I'm Kristy 29, and hubby is C (for privacy reasons) and he's 32. We have been together for approx 15 years, and we have one son who will be 2 in exactly one week :)

Anyhoo...we wanted to start trying for a second when Colby was around 2. We don't want the age gap to be huge between the kids. Also, we are planning to get married next summer (probably August) and I do NOT want to be preggers for the wedding.

So here is my dilemma: I've never been anywhere outside of Canada, and at the end of October, we're going to Vegas for a few days with a bunch of friends and family. Originally I wanted to wait til we got back from Vegas so I could really enjoy the experience... drinking, eating, and doing whatever I wanted. BUT once we decided we were going to get married, we decided we really want to do it next year. Soooooo, If I were to wait until after Vegas to TTC (actually I would ovulate during the trip), that would make me like 8 or 9 months preggers for our August '10 wedding. Out of the question for me. Another option is to wait until Vegas, and get married in 2011...which neither SO nor I really want to do...we both agreed we want to get married next year. The other option is to just go for it next month like we originally planned. I've already gone off the pill as of 6 days ago, but we were going to prevent this month. That option would make me a couple months preggers in Vegas, and would give us an April or May '10 baby, which would leave me about 3 or 4 months to get back in shape for the wedding.

Sorry to be so long winded, and thank you if you're still reading. My question to you ladies is if you had those options presented to you, which one would you take. I say hubby's of no use at all because he says "whatever you feel is best...it's your body, and I'll support you in whatever you want to do." Would you rather a.) Be preggers DURING a big trip to Vegas, allowing for a 2010 wedding or b.) Get preggers AFTER Vegas, but postponing the wedding until 2011???

Thanks so much for any feedback you can give me. I just need to weigh all the pros and cons from every angle!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 11:35pm

I'm not saying this because I'm judging you, I'm saying this to be practical: is there any way you can get married first? Reason being your going to have dress fitting problems (you order them like 6 months in advance, then have several fittings).

I have a 6 month old and I can tell you from experience your body changes size like every day for the first few months afterward. I dropped 40 pounds in 4 months - imagine fitting with a seamstress around all that!

Also, once you have a baby, all your money/time/energy goes to the baby and it would so much more fun to have a wedding where all you worry about is looking good and having fun. And what if your 4 month old cuts a tooth the night before? You'll have major bags under your eyes. Ick!






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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2008
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 12:10am

The first thought that came into my head was--why not get married when you are in Vegas? You said you will have friends and family with you, and it's the wedding capital of the US. You could get married there and then have a party at home when you get back with those who couldn't join you.




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Thanks Katie (hubbswifey) for my beautiful siggie!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 12:15am
What about just postponing getting preggers until after the wedding?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 12:24am

Le sigh...you've just given me things to think about that weren't even part of the equation before-lol!!

So we think it will be highly improbable for us to get married first, just because of the timing we want on the kids. Colby is turning two next week, and if we wait another year before TTC he will be around 4 when the next baby comes. We really didn't want that big of an age gap between them. We actually wanted more like 2 years between the two, but we've been enjoying our time with Colby so much that we had a hard time making the decision for the next one. Now we are both ready though.

Anyway, I digress...my point is that there's no way we can get a wedding organized in the next few months, considering we aren't even "officially" engaged yet (although "hubby" said he'll be proposing in the next few weeks...as soon as he makes the final payment on the ring-yeah I know he totally took the surprise out of it, but whatever). And the longer we wait on the wedding, the longer we would have to wait before TTC.

I'm not overly worried about losing the baby weight. It came off rather quickly after the first one, and if worse came to worse, I guess I would order a dress on the larger side (according to my pre-preg weight) and have it taken in if need be. I have a pretty good idea of what my body does after having a bambino.

Thanks for the thoughts though. These are some serious considerations I should look in to. And I don't feel judged at all!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2009
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 1:36am

My first thought was also to get married in Vegas. Otherwise, I'd go ahead and try now. Better to be pregnant in Vegas, than to be pregnant at or postpone your wedding. Good luck either way!

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 3:29am
Actually you'll be surprised how fast you can pull a wedding together.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2008
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 7:28am

I agree with Katie - many people have pulled a wedding together on short notice. You just might have to change some of your criteria.


Do you know someone with a big yard? We have friends who had their wedding in her parent's yard out in the country and had a big tent for the reception. It was a pot luck style of dinner but it all came out beautifully! Her dad still walked her down the aisle and all the other traditional stuff still happened.


Alternatively, you can

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 10:44am

Honestly I would go to Vegas, get married sometime after that, and then TTC. IMO there are way too many unknowns and uncertainties w/ TTC, being PG and newborns.

What if -
it takes a lot longer to get PG than anticipated and you are PG for your wedding? Is that something you could deal with?

What is you get PG sooner rather than later and are PG for your trip to Vegas, BUT you get put on bed rest, get orders not to fly, get premclapsia, or such and are not able to go on your trip?

What if baby comes early or baby comes late how would that affect your wedding plans?

What if you have the baby before the wedding and baby has feeding issues, jaundice, colic or worse special needs of some sort?

Every TTC, pregnancy and newborn is different and they are all things that affect you and your body, yet you have no control over. I am not saying you have to give up your life with you are PG, but you need to be willing to accept any and all sacrifices that may come up. And yes it is very possible that none of these things may come up, but what if they do? Is that how you want to remember the Vegas trip (that you might miss) or your wedding?

And who says you need a ton of time to plan a wedding... you can plan a wedding in a few months - granted it you may have to scale back or pay more (if you don't decide to scale back), but it can be done.

My fiance and I are planning a May 2010 wedding... he's mentioned to me that he would not mind if I got PG before the wedding, but we both know that isn't something that is going to happen. We both want to enjoy our wedding for what it is - the celebration of our marriage and the start of our new life together. Ad having an infant in tow or being PG is not part of that picture. And we want to take a few trips and go on a nice honeymoon, again an infant or being PG is not in that picture.

It seems to me (and sorry if this sounds insensitive), but you want it all and you want it all now. You need to prioritize and go from there.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 12:04pm

Thanks for the feedback! It's a very hard decision to me! The most important thing in the whole process is the age gap between the kids.

To answer a couple questions. We want to have the baby before the wedding, because we are certain we can't possibly get married until next year. Currently we are saving for Vegas and that's all we can afford. As soon as we get back, we will start saving for the wedding. In the 15 years that I've been with my SO, I've never wanted to get married, and now that we've decided it's finally time, I really want to do it "right". We live paycheque to paycheque as it is, and I couldn't possibly see us affording a major trip and a wedding in the same year. I did consider getting hitched in vegas, but by family coming with us, I meant it's going to be hubby's family. I couldn't even imagine getting married without my parents and sisters with me. Plus the trip is a surprise to celebrate hubby's dad's 60th bday. I don't want to steal his thunder so to speak.

My second big issue is that we will only be going to Vegas for a total of 1 week, including travel time. In the grand scheme of things it makes very little sense for me to put my entire life on hold for a few short days that will be over in the blink of an eye. I worry that I'll get back from my trip and say "gee, I could be 4 months pregnant by now...wish I didn't wait."

So I do appreciate all the feedback, however, most of these ideas I've already considered. That's why I feel like I've come down to the two options I already mentioned...to a.) Be preggers DURING the trip to Vegas, allowing for a 2010 wedding or b.) Get preggers AFTER (and I mean RIGHT after) Vegas, but postponing the wedding until 2011. It's not that I want it all right now, it's just that this is where I am in life. The age gap between the kids is getting bigger everyday, and I'd like to be done having kids sooner than later considering I'm no spring chicken anymore :) If anything I'd rather postpone the wedding a year than to postpone TTC. I would be willing to postpone TTC only until right after Vegas, but not any longer.

Thanks again for the advice, I appreciate hearing all POVs!!

ETA that I forgot to answer one of your questions Kate. It's okay if it takes us a while to conceive. We have not set a date for the wedding yet, and we weren't planning to set a date until after I'm pregnant. We want it to be at least a couple months after baby's born. We just hope and pray we have a healthy co-operative lil one!!




Edited 6/11/2009 12:37 pm ET by scrapmaster

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 6:22pm
If it were for me, I'd get pregnant now not to have a big age gap (I like 2 years between kids so they can be playmates, but that's my personal view). I'd postpone the wedding too if you don't want to be 8-9 months pregnant, or get wed sooner so you're less pregnant? You'll have plenty of other occasions to go back to Vegas and drink. There are always sacrifices to be done when it comes to family planning!! Good luck!
























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