1st time bio mom feeling different about stepkids
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|Wed, 12-26-2012 - 11:54am|
Hi everyone. New here. To be 100% honest, I just left my job to stay at home with my first child so I don't have $110 / hr to pay my therapist so here I am! I have a 5 month old daughter who I am head over heels in love with. I waited so long to have a baby (I'm 35). I read tons of books, took my prenatals, really gave thought as to how I wanted to raise her (like most of you all did with your kids). Never knew I could love anyone so much. Before I met my SO I was pretty independent. I didn't want to live with a man. I didn't want to get married. I loved my alone time. But I fell with a wonderful man. I was honest with him about my hesitancy to cohabitate. He had 2 kids from a previous marriage. I was always good to them. We kept our separate residences and when he had his kids (half of the month) I would go out to dinner with them, come over to the apartment occasionally and then let him have his "dad time" (and I'd get my "me time"). I got pregnant and of course the game changed. He wanted us to all move in together...do things somewhat the traditional way. I understood it. I knew it wasnt fair to ask him just to live with us half the time. But I wasn't ready to be a stepmother. I knew all of the hardships that come with that and I voiced to him (gently) I wasn't comfortable with making us an "insta-family". Long story short, he kind of steamrolled me on this. He said that he couldn't live like that. So we all moved in together when my daughter was born. Instantly my feelings toward the kids changed. I felt resentment. I felt annoyed. I felt like I was having to "tone down" the joy over my baby girl so that his kids wouldn't feel slighted in any way. We have a three bedroom house and my daughter was going to have to share a room with her big sister even though they're only here half the month. I get it that they need to feel special but it just pains me to have my daughter affected. And here's another little kink to throw in the mix: I was sexually abused when I was young. It affected me my entire life. I couldn't trust any man..or I didn't know how. When my SO came along he was incredibly understanding. I knew I could confide in him. He cried with me when I told him. He put up with several times of misplaced mistrust on my part and he helped me through it, going to counseling with me, etc. Now that his son lives in our house (6 yr old) I watch him like a hawk. He is never...I repeat never alone with my daughter. It's like I'm on pins and needles half the month. She sleeps in a crib in our room mostly due to this. Whenever I'm around the kids I feel like I'm an actress in a play. Right before I come in their presence I take a deep breath and force myself to smile and be loving for them. I don't truly feel it. I've been reading about a phenomenon called LAT (Living Apart Together). It sounds like heaven to me. But I can't do that to my SO. He has been so good to me. He took over my well-paying job so that I could stay home with her. I feel like I'm constantly having to remind myself of this just to get through the weekends we have the kids. I have taken odd jobs every weekend that I can take my daughter to just so I can have a break when they're at our house. Whereas I used to see his kids as sweet, I now see how his daughter is becoming spoiled (We couldn't get as much this year for Christmas so I spent days picking out the perfect gifts for them with the money we had - when her granparents and other famly members asked her what she got for Christmas, she only listed off the things she got from her other side "iPad, Coach purse." and she's 11.). His son cries over everything. I've heard his mom say "he's sensitive". Yes, well every time I see the boy cry over having to take another bite of chicken or not getting the seat he wants, I think, "Sensitive or not, he's being disobedient and the poor kid is going to have his a** handed to him by the real world one day.". It's just become a bit like torture to me.. not only having these feelings, but having to pretend like I don't and then having the guilt that comes with them. Meanwhile, I feel many days like my time with my own daughter is being compromised. I realize this is partly irrational. I now have all day at home with her, while I try to start a home business. But it's how I feel. Something has to give. I can't see myself doing this for 12 more years. Please know that I realize this isnot a loving way to feel. I realize those kids didn't ask for their parents to get divorced. I guess I'm praying for a response that will help me to ride this out. I thought it might just be the hormones after but I feel 100% back to normal in most every other regard whereas this situation has gotten worse. Thank you in advance for your replies. I hope everyone had a happy Christmas.