How do your children feel about your significant other? Love? Hate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
How do your children feel about your significant other? Love? Hate?
1
Mon, 10-14-2013 - 3:23pm

I have just moved in with my boyfriend of 1-1/2yrs.  My husband and I have shared custody so we split our time with the kids.  Today while having lunch with my girls they broke the news they really don't even like my boyfriend.  Not hate, but just don't like him.. I don't even know where to go with this now.  I feel sad, I am the happiest I've been with my boyfriend and at some point we'd like to marry, although not anytime soon.  

Have you had to deal with this?  How was your reaction?  I am not going to end the relationship just because my kids don't care for him... does that make me a bad mom?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that it's a lot more difficult than is usually portrayed in the media for kids to deal with a new person in their lives.  I know of situations where it goes really well.  A friend of mine who has boy/girl twins (about 9) married a guy w/ a girl the same age & it seems like everyone gets along really well.  Did they seem to like him before you moved in together?  I mean it's strange having a new adult in the house when the kids are used to just being with you.  My kids happened to hate my 2nd DH (some of it justified since we ended up getting divorced) but first of all I think there was some jealousy of nothaving me to themselves and just not wanting change.  But one problem that he brought on himself was that he also wanted to impose his own rules on my kids.  I think what the "experts" would say is to let the bio parent make the rules and he should just try to go along until the kids develop more of a relationship with him.

I would say give things more time because if the move happened soon they may end up liking him.  I'd also ask if there are particular reasons they don't like him--maybe it's some kind of trivial thing that could be changed.  If they just say "I don't know" there's not much you can do.  And actually one reality that a lot of divored people don't face is that you can't force your kids to like your SO--maybe they will never really like him.  I don't think it makes you a "bad mother" if objectively your BF is a good guy and your kids don't have a reason not to like him.  But after going through what I did, I'd probably advise someone not to move in with or marry someone their kids don't get along with really really well--it'snot worth the aggravations of always being in the middle.