Is this just to be Passive Aggressive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2013
Is this just to be Passive Aggressive?
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 1:53pm

Dating my bf for five wonderful months. My girls are starting to warm up to him and I think that I could bond with his little girl, but her mom is driving me nuts! Their divorce was six years ago. My bf got screwed over in the custody hearing because he has attention deficit disorder and generalized anxiety. BioMom and her lawyer chose the most random things to question him about so he got confused and nervous. In the end, he got EOW, one overnight stay on a school night, and one homework & dinner session on a school night, plus half of the holidays. My problem with her is that he and I have our kids on alternate weekends and she won't switch her weekends so that he and I can spend some time alone. We always have either my kids or his kid. My custody agreement has a "morality clause" that I can't have a bf sleep over when my girls are with me. My bf didn't require this of his ex, but he is living with his brother & SIL right now and the SIL won't let me sleep over because she says it sets a bad example for her kids (who are 2 and 3!)

What can I do to force her to change weekends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 11:59am

To be brutally honest, you can't force her to do anything.

As much as it sucks, she doesn't have to change her plans around her ex's new girlfriend's wishes.  She could try to be a little more accomodating, but from her POV, is probably wondering why she should have to when you've only been dating a few months.  Think of it this way, would you be willing to change the custody arrangement with your ex if he made this request?

Can you get a babysitter for your girls so that you can spend some time together?  Can they spend the night with grandma or another relative?    I'm not sure how old your girls are, but could you do some daytime dates if they are in school?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 12:00pm
Another option, have you thought about asking your ex to switch your weekends?
Avatar for cupcakebabe
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2011
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 2:32pm

A couple of things:

- The divorce was six years ago. If he got screwed then, he's had ample time to appeal and/or rework the agreement. If this hasn't happened, then it appears he likes the current agreement. 

- If it were me, I wouldn't change my agreement on the whim of a my ex's new girlfriend. Why do that to the kids who are set in their schedule? If you were together longer, maybe. I'd be more apt to think about considering it if you were engaged or married.

- Why don't you request a switch with your ex? Or switch for one week only?

- Honestly, I wouldn't want you sleeping over my house either, if I was your BFs brother/SIL. I'm assuming you're looking for a place to have sex? That's just rude to do that in someone else's house. IMO, of course. 

If you're that hard up for time together alone, why not see if you can schedule something with your ex and his ex so you can go away for the weekend? This way the kids will only be put-out for one weekend.