Wanting some advice - when Stepmom is/was Mistress

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wanting some advice - when Stepmom is/was Mistress
3
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 9:02am

I would like some advice - sorta flip-flopped.

My husband began having an affair for a while - which led to a looooong divorce.   We were done just recently.   They say they are going to get married & the woman has now moved into our beautiful marital family home.   (The kids & I  opted to move into a townhome, for practical reasons - that house is TOO big & $ to maintain).   

So I find out that she's moved in & is beautifying the place.   Last week, their dad called them wanting to come to the house & enjoy a lovely home-cooked dinner by the mistress.  They went over, but were, alledgedly, somewhat rude & did not stay to eat what she'd prepared.

Guess Im just wanting your advice, esp given that this "stepmom" originated with an affair.   The kids are well aware of the affair & the lying, adultery, etc.    They are 18 & 15.  

Advice - as to how I deal with this?    Yes, I chose to leave, but it hurts both the kids & I that she has made herself at home already in our lovely family home.   Since it's been 2 years since the affair began, they are now actively trying to force them to like her.   His mother has even gotten into the act.   She wants my kids away from me (I hung the moon - til all this happened - now she hates me & cant quit talking bad about me ... as my hub has tried to persuade his mom to like his mistress.)

How do I deal with this?   What should the kids do?

thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I think if the kids are rude to the woman in your ex's presence, then it's his problem to deal with it.  I think it's unfortunate that they know that he was having an affair--I don't think that kids should ever be dragged into the reasons for their parents' divorce.  I just think that you should not get in the middle of this.  the kids might feel that they are being disloyal to you if they are nice to the woman, but if their dad marries her, she's going to be around--so do they want to cut off or damage their relationship w/ their father?  How was he as a father?  I know he was a bad DH to have an affair, but before this did they have a good relationship w/ him?  then you should encourage that to continue.  

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Good thoughts. Frankly, my ex is a doormat - to everyone. Yes, I agree he needs to deal w/their rudeness to her over there. But he wont. ... which has its own repurcussions. This has been such a BIG drawn out thing, that there is no way they could not know about the affair. esp since they're still claiming undying love for eachother & still together. Think maybe youre right about not getting in the middle. He was a good father for years, but now, naturally, has to make choices betw his kids & his mistress. His mistress will leave if he doesnt do certain things - but he also is trying to accommodate his kids still. He's trying to walk a fine line.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Maybe he will figure out that having a mistress is one thing--all the secret fun time spent together.  Having a woman in a relationship out in the open after the divorce where she has to deal with his kids isn't going to be  all fun & games.  One of them may get tired of that.