daughter in bed naked at daddy's.....

Avatar for junaseva
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
daughter in bed naked at daddy's.....
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Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:18am

i work third, kids stay at their dad's about 4-5 nights a week. both kids (ages 6, girl 4½ boy) pee on a weekly basis there. I pick the kids up monday morning and my daughter tells me she peed the bed last night and daddy told her to take her clothes off and to hop in his bed. i'm not insinuating anything, but it's not right. i freaked out when i had chicken pox and my dad had to put cold washclothes on my body to get my temperature down. i was 7 and was freaking out because i was in a nightgown.

i'm the mother and it concerns me, so i brought it to his attention. i was cool about it. i just said, it's not right, a little girl needs clothes. (he was verbally abusive to me the entire 5 yr marriage) and he snapped at me to call the cops or child services. Talk about left field. I don't understand why he was acting that way...maybe feeling a little guilty, embarrassed, defensive. not sure.

but the past two months, i've been making notes. I pick the kids up, they don't have underwear on, my daughter is wearing my son's clothes. i walk in the house and it smells like cat pee.....my daughter sits in a cat pee spot on the couch and my ex has to put her in dirty shorts from the day before because all the laundry that is spead across the living room floor are all unclean.....

ugh. i don't know how to handle this. i'm dealing with a mean man, but for the sake of our children, i think there should be a certain comfortable level of communication. we have shared parenting and he's getting married this saturday to a girl he's known for a month....

i don't know what i could have said that could have been different. he labeled my 'confused' look with a dirty look and that was not the case. my ex litterally jumped my case and threw out excuse after excuse. should i have brought a very alerting concern a different way??? i have the right to say something. he says she peed the bed and while he was sleeping, she crawled in bed with him. she tells a different story.

advice, thoughts???

thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 9:35am

i freaked out when i had chicken pox and my dad had to put cold washclothes on my body to get my temperature down. i was 7 and was freaking out because i was in a nightgown.


First of all, I think it is sad that 7 year old girl would be freaked out because her Dad was taking care of her when she was sick and I don't think it is common or usual for a little girl to be at all concerned about being in nightgown in front of their Dad.

Pat

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. --

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 10:14am

If he has no history of sexual abuse and this was a one-time thing, I would not be overly concerned because of her young age. Now if she were 14 and developing - no way. Have either of you considered using pull-ups or the ones for bigger kids to prevent messes when the bed is wet? That would solve a lot of the problem right there, and many 4 and 6 year olds still have problems at night. (That is why they make those.)

I would be much more concerned about the cleanliness issue, and would probably call CPS or the health department to do an inspection. That is just disgusting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:11am

I agree with Pat, I think it was just laziness on his part.


I'd get more concerned if they started showing changes in behavior.

Avatar for junaseva
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:34pm

>>First of all, I think it is sad that 7 year old girl would be freaked out because her Dad was taking care of her when she was sick and I don't think it is common or usual for a little girl to be at all concerned about being in nightgown in front of their Dad. The fact that you had such a strong reaction suggests that either someone planted ideas in your head as child that this is wrong (maybe your Mom was really hung up on nudity?) or you had been abused by some man. But remember, your experiences are not your DD's so unless she was freaked about getting into bed naked with her father than I don't think you should view the incident in the context of yourpast feelings.<<

Ok, overexaggerating on my part but i added that in there just to emphasize that a little girl should have clothes on.'

>>I think you may have gotten a better response if you didn't tell what he was doing is "not right." That is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Saying something along the lines of "DD mentioned she wet the bed again last night. I know how frustrating that can be to deal with in the middle of the night. She mentioned that she ended up sleeping naked in your bed - do think perhaps we should tell her that she should put some clothes on before she climbs into bed with you?" Approaching it this way comes across as neutral - not accusatory. It says you don't blame your EX for the problem but want to work with him to solve it.<<

Thanks.....too bad those were my intentions and it came across the wrong way. *Sigh*
but you're right--touchy touchy.

Avatar for junaseva
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 2:37pm

>>As far as the mess goes, I had that problem with my ex too before he met his wife. I'd go over there and the place was a disaster. Dishes piled so high in the sink and dirty laundry everywhere. I actually helped him quite a few times and did some of the laundry for him and did dishes. At least then I knew it was clean for the kids, and I didn't mind.<<

Yes, i'd rather do the laundry because then i know that when the clothes go back to him, my kids will have clean clothes ready for them. I hope when he gets married this weekend that his new victim...whoops, i mean wife....will clean up the house....it's jsut gross.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:00pm
His new victim...I love it! Lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 2:36am

Why are people saying your freaking out?!?! Hello...it is NOT normal for a 6 year old to wet the bed several times a week! This is a TEXTBOOK sign of abuse of some kind! Naked, in the bed with him and there are two stories there? And he's defensive when you approach him about it? Too defensive I think. The mess in the house is secondary, gross yes, but not as important as the fact that he even felt comfortable enough to sleep in the bed with his naked daughter...

Flame all you want but I'd freak if I were you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 9:27am
There are children that are completely normal and healthy and wet the bed even past the age of 6. There is no evidence he is a pervert or sexually abusing his child. Parents help their children bath, wipe, dress and see them naked all the time, to me this falls in line with those other things. If it was happening all the time (sleeping with her being naked) all the time that would be an issue, but one time is not necessarily evidence of anything other than he was too lazy to get her changed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 12:37pm

>Hello...it is NOT normal for a 6 year old to wet the bed several times a week! This is a TEXTBOOK sign of abuse of some kind!

I COMPLETELY disagree. There are many reasons for bed wetting, beside abuse. It is VERY commmon for children with ADHD, for example, to wet the bed. My son did it until he was nearly 8.

As a father who was repeatedly falsely accused of sexually abusing his DD, I can say that nothing is more offensive than an overly reactionary response to nothing.

My IE went so far as to have my then 11 yo DD undergo a full pelvic exam in a hospital ER at 3 AM. Under the presumption that I had been abusing my DD.

Is the Ex in this case lazy? Yes! In the absence of ANY other information or evidence does that make him a pedophile? NO! NO! NO!

Freak out if you want...but a batch of unsupported abuse claims in a CPS file does not do you well in custody hearings.

Avatar for junaseva
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 3:51am

Others can be calm when it comes to their kids. But my kids need to be clothed...

People can call it what they want. Bottom line, I am the mother and i find that it is inappropriate for MY daughter. I think it was strictly laziness on his part, which is really sad in itself. What's also sad is the fact that this man scares me. I'm terrified to bring anything up to him, his mouth has done a lot of damage...so his reaction did not surprise me. That's normal for him...and for him to turn it around on me...that's also normal...and for me to walk away crying, that also has been the norm.

The facts are they my kids sleep at their dad's about 4-5 nights a week. At least twice a week, one or both of them pee the bed. They confessed and my ex confessed that he let them sleep naked to 'air' out one night. I didn't like that so when i turn around and this happens, i say something.

i did ask for thoughts. i'm no good when it comes to expressing the things i feel without someone taking it the wrong way, i'm known for keeping stuff to myself. I apreciate everyone's insight, but these are my kids and it goes against what i know is appropriate for them.

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