Advice needed please. Nik's bday was

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Advice needed please. Nik's bday was
5
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 7:21am

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Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 8:39am

Happy Birthday Nik!!


Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 9:13am

Kathy, she's 14. She's had a horrible time this past yr. last night I didn't do a cake because the family is coming over on Sunday. I gave her some of her gifts. I feel so bad for her I just may go buy those ripped jeans she wants in Aeropostle.


I don't know exactly how dh feels about it all because he doesn't say much. My boys have been so good to her since she was born & been there for her. My younger son is paying for her tutor in math because we just don't have the money right now. The boys called yesterday to wish her happy bday & so did dil. Oldest called 3 times till he got us home. This is one area I don't know what to say to her & I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. Nik keeps things to herself just like dh does so she can be hard to read at times.


2 friends asked if they can come over for her bday & I told her this morning to tell them its ok. If I knew before yesterday I would have let her have a few girls over Friday night or saturday. I'm happy she's making friends & they asked to come.


As for your situation, E wants to show off the bay which is natural & she most likely doesn't have the animosity that M has because M remebers more & resents more that her bio did. I find that true w/my 2 boys. My oldest tolerates dad & my youngest just rolls w/it all. How long will you be back for? How is your mom doing?

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Registered: 08-28-2007
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 8:04am
Dearest Dee, I hope I'm not real late on this one. However, Nik's bio-dad seems to be a lot like Eli's bio-mom. And, when it comes to her I deal with it on a need to know level. And, being that he is 14yrs old. He will be 15 in April. He has asked every question in the world. But, I have tried to be as honest as I can be with him about her. That way he can never come back and say I lied to him. Heck, she didn't even want him to know she was his mother at first. How was I to get around that one? So, I have been as honest as I can be with him. Even though he is bipolar, and has Asperger's Syndrome too. Better he hears from me than hear it from some other relative down the line. However, he still doesn't know about the last baby she has had. I'm not for sure when I'm going to lay this one on him. He has said "I don't want any more brothers, or sisters" Well, I guess I'm just waiting on that one. And, he has even seen Annalies and everything. He just thinks she's another baby that my friend Jenn adopted. Nothing more. And, the baby looks just like him when he was born. DUH!! Oh well, I'll cover that when it comes. But, if I were you I would be as truthful as I could be. And, let the therapist talk her through the emotions the best she can. And, be there for her when she really needs you. Isn't that what we are there for anyway? I will be praying for you so much. If these bio-parents only knew what they put their kids through. And, us for that matter? The only thing we can do is love the children we get blessed with. And, pray that God will turn those parents around someday for the sake of those kids. Love you so much!!

Woodstock (gwen)

Woodstock (gwen)

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Registered: 09-06-2009
Sat, 03-13-2010 - 8:52am

Gwen, your not late w/this. Nik's having a very hard time w/biodad. of all the people in the world she would have he wouldn't have even made the list. He's the only person we've known that she never liked.


He's been texting her & telling her how much he loves her. he wants to talk to her just the two of them alone. Dh told Nik no way she can talk to him only if he's there also. Biodad makes up stories of his life to suit whatever he wants at the time, he constantly lies & dh isn't going to let him lie to Nik. If Nik wants to talk w/him she can but only w/dh there. She's getting upset by all his texts & if he doesn't back off I may get his phone number blocked. Nik has way too much to deal w/at the moment & school is difficult for her this yr. she made that change in the middle of the yr. & this school is very tough & gives a load of homework. She doesn't need any more stress then she has at this time & if he can't respect this then we're going to have a big problem.


Nik's too sensitive for her own good & always puts other peoples feelings ahead of hers. She worries about hurting feelings. I told dh she needs to go spend time w/my sister because my sister always has put herself 1st before everyone including her kids & she's much better off for it today. The therapist told me we have raised a wonderful young lady who is caring & sweet & wants to do the right thing, we should be proud. Well sometimes I think Nik would be better off if she just said what she thought & the heck w/everyones feelings.


I don't know why God brought her into our lives but I know I love her more than I ever thought was possible. I also know that as far as FAS & I know the amount of alcohol her biomom consummed every single day she doesn't have many problems. As I tell Nik God protected her from that alcohol & He has plans for her, good plans for her & so she nneds to remeber that.


My younger ds believes that my dh would not be alive today if it wasn't for Nik, he belives that dh fought to stay alive for her the whole time he was in the hospital.

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Registered: 08-28-2007
Sun, 03-14-2010 - 12:05pm
Boy do I feel like I'm reading the story of Eli's bio-mom when I read that. She is the same way that he is. And, the bad thing about her is. Even after she adopts her children over to loving caring families. She still considers herself to be their mother. And, feels that she should have control of their lives. She tries to make it so she can tell the parents how to raise the child. Which after the adoption is complete is completely out of her hands. Then she can go off and even go to the point of trying to get the child back. No matter how long it's been. Now she won't do this with me. That may be the only line she won't cross. But, she still considers Eli "HER" son. And, there have been times that I have wanted to go through the phone at her. The only advantage I have with my situation is that Eli really doesn't want to have any contact with her at this point in his life. And, I don't force that at all. She isn't allowed over here at all. Even his counselors and MHMR workers think that at this point in his life that should be left up to him. All I can do is pray that at sometime God will touch her, and bring her to HIM. She is really messed up right now. But, at least we know there won't be any more babies coming from her. Thank God she did have her tubes tied. I couldn't go through her having another baby. So, just know I do know what your going through. I know that God did put these children in our lives for some reason. I like to consider it a blessing. Even though I feel much to old to be raising him by myself. God always reminds me "I'm not alone. I have God as my husband. And, HE is Eli's father." That sounds fine spiritually. But, some times you want a little works with that faith. Like you want something physical with all the spiritual. But, I know we'll make it through this. I really believe your doing the right thing by not deleting the messages. You would be losing a lot of trust with her if you did that. But, also remember one thing. Like with my DD your DH's son will show his true colors sooner or later. Nik will catch him in one of his lies. Then she will be the one to limit everything. One lie leads to another. He can't keep them up forever. And, I will pray it's sooner than later. If you need to talk you know how to get hold of me. Love you and the family! Lovingly & Prayerfully,

Woodstock (gwen)

Woodstock (gwen)