New here and in desperate need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2001
New here and in desperate need of advice
7
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 1:07pm
I am the daughter of grandparents raising a grandchild.Not my children but my younger sisters daughter.I will start at the begining.My sister has started many things in her life and never finished nothing.She went into the military and was kicked out for drug use.About a year later she went to this very expensive chef shool and failed out in just 3 short months.She returned to my parents home to live.She than moved out with this guy and became pregnant with my niece.The guy never returned home from work one afternoon leaving her 3 months pregnant.She moved back in with my folks.Shortly after giving birth she went into heart failure and was admitted to the hospital for about a week.About a year later she meet this man from Isreal that lived more than 500 miles from our home.She was traveling back and fourth every other weekend or so and leaving the child with grandma and grandpa.She later annouced the were getting married so he could stay in this country and he was paying her $10,000 for 5 years of marriage.That is a big rip off to me.My parents were concered about the childs well being in this situation and they approached my sis about tempory custody.She agreed and moved away with this man.My sister is now 27 years old,married to this guy,going from job to job because she gets fired and in the 2 years she has been gone she has only visted her child 2 times.Apparently this man beats her.Whenever my parents don't answer her phone calls she calls me looking for them.I live about an hour from mom and dad.The last time I spoke to her She said to me that if mom does not let her talk to her child she was going to take the child back and file a restraining order against my mother.I went off on her and basically in not so nice words told her to grow the Blank up and become a mother that her child needs.She than called my husband and went off that i was an awful mom and bla bla bla.I had my first child at the very young age of 19 and my second at 25.My oldest child is always at the top of his class and he has earned many awards in education excellance.My younger one just started Kindergarten and brings home grades above average.My children are hugged and kissed everyday.My husband spent 15 and half months in Iraq in 2004-2005 and I lived 4 and half hours away from the nearest realative.I had no help and did it all on my own and never complained.I am a great mother and you can tell by how happy my babies are.I also take over my niece for a weekend here and there to give mom and dad a break.In return they take my kids for 5 days once a year because we take a vacation.The reason I am here is because my kids never get alone time with there grandma and grandpa.My niece views grandpa as her daddy and is very clingy to him when ever any of the other granddaughters are around.I am not angry with my mom and dad or niece but rather I am angry at my sister.She has not thought about how this affects everyone else including her own daughter.She only thinks she misses her.I would love for my kids to have full access to there grandparents whenever they need them.My mom and dad can't come to school functions in the evening because they have a 3 year old that has to be to bed.My son loves his grandmother and they have a very special relationship.I hate that i have to take over my sisters child and take away from my family time so mom and dad can get a break.It would be different if it was my sister and I exchanging babysitting.My question is I think my family is in this for the long hall and I need to get over my anger for my niece.How do I do that?Do any of you have other adult children that feel the way I do and if so how do they function with all this garbage? I love my little niece with all my heart.She is so wounderful and I hate seeing what her crazy mother has done to her (niece) life! I hate that my sister is taking away from 7 other grandkids and has no concern for them.I know I am not going to change the situation or my sister but I want to make it better for me,my kids, my brothers kids my niece and mom and dad.how do i do that?Thanks for any advice you might have.
Christina
Avatar for coellis
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:04pm

Hi Christina, I really have no advice for you and you actually said it yourself; you cannot change the situation or your sister.


What you can do is keep supporting your parents as they may be as overwhelmned as you are.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 10:50pm

First stina, welcome.


Kathy

Avatar for squeakyone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 10:25am

I do get what you are saying. You have every right to be upset with your sister and how she is acting. The fact that she calls you when she can't get your parents is wrong and to make threats to you about this child is so out of line. You do need to keep a log of this kinds of calls, also of any abuse that you see or she tells you about.


You have a right to be upset but you have to make sure to keep that on the right person your sister not your niece or your parents. Your Niece didn't ask for this and has no control over things. Your parents are doing what they feel is the right thing and from the things you have said are keeping that child in a safe environment.


Something for you to think about, to your niece your parents even though they are grandma and grandpa in her mind they are her main people.(parent role)


As far as school things is there a way you could help your parents find a safe babysitter so they could come to a few things. I know for us child care is YDD, most of our friends just aren't in a place they want to or could watch DGS. If you and your brother would like for your

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:24pm
Hi sweetie, and welcome to our little family.

Woodstock (gwen)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2001
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 12:41pm
Thanks all for the great advice.I know now that I am not alone in the way I feel.I adore my niece and I do feel like she is a much younger sister by about 27 years.I think she treats me like I am an older sister too. The only father she has ever known is grandpa and I could never blame her for that because it is perfectly natural and I can't expect her to feel any other way about him because i was his little girl.And some of you are right about me taking her if my parents would not have stepped in.My Dh and I have disscussed it.My mom and dad still only have tempory custody.I am pushing them to make it permenat and quite leaving this child in such limbo.I just can't speak to or be around my sister at this time.I am so angry with her.I have forgiven her so many times and right now I can't do it until I see she is bettering herself.I have had her arrested twice for domestic violince on me.Once when I was holding my son when he was 8 months old and leaving me with broken fingers from protecting my son from being hit and a head injury. The next time was when I was 7 months pregnant with my little girl.My husband stepped in front of her as she was coming at me and she than attacked him.My son who is now 11 years old can't stand her and calls her a bum.My little girl now 6 still does not understand the whole thing but soon she will.Last time I spoke with my sister I told her not to call my house again or i would get a restraing order.I am tired of her bring her crap into my home even if it is just over the phone.
I know this is a messageboard for grandparents and i amfar from it but would it be ok if i stuck around and posted?I feel like you guys have alot of information that I could use.
Christina
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 3:54pm

Please do stick around we'll be happy to have you & you most likely have info which can help us also. I'm dee & dh & I adopted his dgd 13 yrs. ago, both parents were alcoholics. Bio mom has since died & bio dad seemed to be doing well & coming around but last xmas got a new gf who wants no part of dgd.


Don't be surprised if we don't look for advice from you also.

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Avatar for squeakyone
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 8:45pm

The other