I applaud you for being honest about your feelings. You'll never feel the same way about your stepkids as you will your own daughter, but maybe it will help if you approach it in a new way? These children share the same blood as your daughter, they are her siblings. They will be a support system for her throughout her life, and it's a relationship you should focus on nurturing. Try to treat the children in the same manner that you would want your daughter treated if the situation was reversed. It doesn't mean that you have to love them the same, but I feel that if you work at it that you can develop affection for them. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to think in a different matter before it becomes natural. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I guess what I'm trying to say that it won't change overnight. You have to commit to changing the way you view them before you feel better about the situation. I can't imagine how being sexually abused has affected you as a parent, I'm sure it's made you tons more cautious and aware of the dangers of the world. When it comes to his kids' behaviors, they sound pretty typical for the age. I hope that you can find some way to be more positive about the situation.
Is there any explanation for that statistic you cited? The only reason I could think of would be that if someone was abused by a family member and that person was not prosecuted for it, the same person could then abuse the original person's child--otherwise, you'd think that the person who was molested would be, like you, overly cautious. I did respond to you on the other board in detail but I do think that you need further therapy on this issue, otherwise you are going to raise a DD who is fearful of all men and that isn't a good way to be either. The vast majority of men are not child molesters. I can certainly understand a new mom not wanting to leave a baby with people other than relatives, but are you going to freak out if she has a male teacher or coach someday?
I am definitely sympathetic to your situation. I have not been through it myself but my 2nd DH was molested by an uncle when I think he was a young teen (didn't really get the details) and I think his uncle was either an older teen or maybe 20's when it happened. He never told his brothers but I have heard his brothers say things like "Uncle Jimmy really had it in for you" and stuff like that--besides the sexual aspect, I guess his uncle was also mean to him, which seems odd compared to what I have read about molesters who are usually nice to kids so that they will be trusted. I met my DH when he was in his 40's and probably hadn't seen his uncle for many years and it still affected him then despite therapy--he said if he ever saw his uncle, he would probably kill him. What made the situation worse is that he did tell his mother (uncle's sister) and I guess mother didn't believe him. Then when all of the stuff about priests molesting boys came out in my area it just brought back a lot of bad memories. what I think is good is that kids today are taught in school that people shouldn't make them do things that are uncomfortable for them, that no one should touch private parts and that they shouldn't ever be told to keep a secret from their parents. It's unfortunate that no one could ever prevent sexual abuse totally but hopefully people are more aware now that it's not usually a stranger in the bushes offering candy & rides to kids--it is usually some one the child knows. :(
Just my opinion, but some people aren't made to be step-parent's. I know I wasn't. I also met a man with two children and had a child (I connected with his daughter, not with his son), however he only got them on the weekends. After a few years of us being together as a family, I realized, I wasn't cut out for it. I encourage you to do what the previous poster mentioned as far as putting it more into perspective being that they are your child's siblings, however I'm sure you aren't fooling them when you are trying to act genuine and it's not only is it uncomfortable for you, but probably just as uncomfortable and unhealthy for them.