Forever evil

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Forever evil
Sun, 09-02-2012 - 2:17am
I am at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. I have made what I consider to be monumental efforts to control how I react to most things my SD does or doesn't do that she isn't or is supposed to be doing. She is overall a good kid and it seems as though because she is seemingly angelic, more and more, my husband looks the other way when she does get out of line and I find myself on the chopping block. My husband is increasingly less supportive by the day and I am feeling like this will never get any better and it s time to consider cutting my losses and walking away. Earlier tonight I voiced my concerns about the way SD speaks to me, my sister and other adults. Husband made it clear as day that he has no intention of setting appropriate boundaries
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to:
Thu, 09-06-2012 - 11:17pm

To Both of You Ladies,


I have been dealing with the Exact same issues for almost 9 lonnnng years now. I have 2 kids, now in their early 20's. I would NEVER have married my dh, had I known he would get as BAD as he is now, regarding his kids. I Swear, the worse they treat him, the More he crawls to them! Multiple calls, texts, gifts, money and more..and little or no response. If they Do happen to reply, he is over the moon with joy. He begins his sentences with "at least"--"at least they called". Expect the least from your children,and that is All you will ever get from them! Wow, really?! They will finally respond just to fend him off, and he is thrilled. Meanwhile, my sons are respectful and caring, and their efforts mean very little. Luckily, they know Not to measure themselves, by his responses.

It got so bad, we finally went to counseling. The counselor, without having heard Any of my ideas for his kids, sat there and almost word for word, suggested the same solutions: family meetings, and Sticking to expectations and consequences (didnt happen), respect and honesty are to be of utmost importance from his kids, and they are to be spoken to Each time they don't show it (they were teens, so Knew how to do this). (didnt happen), lying is Unacceptable, and will be delt with sternly (didnt happen), and on and on.

At this point,I decided I Knew how things were going to be around here, especially after 3 years with his younger son living with us. I had to decide to stay, or go. I found ways to make this work for ME, and my children, and Stopped worrying about my showing my dh and his kids, respect and regard. Is this really "me? Nope. But, you either live with it with  eyes wide will NOT change, nor will it get better. Your dh is not now, or will Ever stand up and be a good parent; he is TOO worried about being their "pal", and that makes YOU the bad guy. Amen, that's how it is Your dh will become more and more agitated with You, because You are keeping him from doing what He wants; indulging his child on every aspect of life. My dh had "moments of lucidity" where he would lament and whine about How badly sks treat people..and then, go right back to indulging them!.

I live very differently now. Don't love it, but it works for me, the majority of the time. It is NOT what I got into a 2nd marriage for, and certainly Not the "partnership" i was promised.I tell myself "Cinderella, there aint no prince charming", andgo from there, day by day.

Just think about the reality here, and not what you "hope" it will "be". if your dh is "undoing" simple agreements, and blaming You for things, he has made his choice, and it is Not your marriage. I'm not saying that you, his dw, always comes first. Of course not, but a balance is Good for a child, as are boundaries, and their seeing their dad as an Example of a supportive husband. Kids don't make the rules, they Follow them.

My kids were raised with love, respect,gratitude, and Lots abd Lots of JOY, and their lives are Good, because of it! What you advocate for your sks is Good,but I am not sure your dh will Ever see it this way.

We each have to decide for ourselves, but we cannot be Less than honest with ourselves, as to Just what will and will Not change in this situation.

Hugs to you!!!