Hi New Here and Looking for some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2010
Hi New Here and Looking for some advice
2
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 12:00pm

Hi, I'm new to this board and being a stepmom! My SO has two little girls, ages 7 and 9. I have two kids of my own, ages 10 and 7.

When SO and I got together, he had told me that the younger one had anger issues. He had said it was from birth and BM and him had been working with her on them. He said BM did not handle her well at all and they clashed quite a bit. He said he found better ways to handle her. He said she is not in counseling for the anger issues but she is in counseling (or suppose to be) for bed wetting. Him and BM are not exactly on the same page about ANYTHING when it comes to the girls.

So I met the girls and it went well to start. I bonded immediately with the older one who is quite sweet. The younger one is too, when she wants to be. But she definitely does have anger issues, and I think more than he either want to admit or see. She can be quite difficult and hard to handle, she is very needy, she needs a lot of his attention, to the detriment of her sister. And she expects everyone to give in to her, which I will not do. I won't treat them any different than I treat my own children and I expect the same type of behavior. He asked me if I think he is tough on his kids. I said no, I am clearly tough on mine, which I am fine with.

So now that some time has passed, they have figured out that I am not going anywhere. The older one is fine, the younger one is not. BM is also in a relationship and getting married as soon as their divorce is finalized which should be in the next month or so. I have no idea how the girls are with her SO. The younger one is not great with me, no matter what I do. I try very hard to pay her a lot of attention and give her ample time with her dad. But I also discipline and don't let her railroad me which she does not at all care for and it angers her. He is fine with it and allows me to handle her as I see fit. I don't treat her different than I treat my two.

My concerns are a few. I am concerned about her need for attention at everyone else's expense. So far we have not had the 4 children together. We have kept the time with them separate to allow us to bond separately and get to know them. I was married a second time very briefly (1 year, very abusive and my children hated him) so I want my kids to have time with SO on their own to let them bond with him and get to know him before adding in his kids and I really want the same time to spend with his kids. I want both sets of kids to see they are going to get our attention and they are special, before we bring them together. And the way his younger is, I am worried with my younger. He is the only boy. He is also the youngest. SO ADORES him. I am really afraid once she sees that, she will get real jealous.

I LOVE SO. We are very much committed to each other and our relationship and our kids. I want to bond with her and I really do like her and love her. I just want to do what I can to bond with her. Any advice? Sorry so long

Rebecca Mommy to DD (2/7/02) and DS (6/18/05)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 5:06pm

IMO I don't see any harm in making introductions, you've both had time to get to know each other separately and your SO will not be feeling any less admiration towards the smallest boy anytime soon I'm sure!

Perhaps some changes in behaviour are in order to ensure that ALL the children get the same attention when everyone is all together?  Obviously though, the smallest requires more attention since he is little, so maybe some conversations as a family group will also help - i.e. how much you and SO love ALL the children the same and each of them are special in different ways etc.

It's never easy blending families, but if you are in this for the long haul and everyone is comfortable having met with one another separately, maybe now is the time to do it!?  Start small, then spend more time together to see how it goes would be my advice!

 

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 12:23pm

I agree that it's probably time to introduce them to each other, and handle it from there. It sounds like you are very aware of how you treat each child, so that's a big step in the right direction. I could see some issues arising if you have plans on moving in together, I'm sure she'll be very jealous. At that point, it would be time to insist on getting her counseling so that she can work out her feelings.  

Do you think that the mom isn't taking her to the counseling she is supposed to have?