Husband enables SD, underminds me

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Husband enables SD, underminds me
Mon, 07-02-2012 - 4:50pm
My husband and I have been married 7 years. My SD is 14. She has a very low self esteem and self worth. She is babied by my husband ( bc he has divorce guilt and does not want to make her mad) and BM (who is more interested in being her BFF than her mom and doesn't want her "baby" to grow up.) And yes, they both still refer to her as "the baby." They both constantly tell her what to do and make all her decisions for her, right down to what food to eat or clothes to wear. It has gotten so bad that I have actually watched my SD stand in front of my husband and wait for his next command. She is told when to eat (and wont mention eating any other time) when to shower, and even where to sit in the living room. She is a very intelligent and kind teenager, but clearly she is scared to death to think for herself and it appears she prefers being told what to do all day. I strongly disagree with how she is being raised and refuse to treat her like shes a helpless China Doll. I expect her to think for herself and I wont boss her around. So when she's with me she's very uncomfortable and nervous bc she has no idea what to do with herself. I have discussed this with my husband and during the conversations he will agree she needs more independence and opportunities to stand on her own. But when it comes time to enforce our plans, he backs down and resorts to his old ways. This ends up making me look mean and he looks like the white knight saving the damsel in distress. My SD says she's scared of me. But I think what she's really scared of is my expectations of her, which aren't above what she's capable of. And my husband won't do anything to disspell her fears bc again this allows him to be in the white knight role. I honestly don't think my husband's and BM's treatment of my SD is ever going to change. And I think this is going to cause lots of problems for my SD as she gets older. I need some advice on how to step back and step out of this. It is so difficult for me to watch this happen but they truly do not see this as a big issue like I do. Am I wrong? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I have to somehow learn to let this go or I am going to be upset every time she's with us.