I am a stepmom that wants to run...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I am a stepmom that wants to run...
6
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 12:02pm

Hi, I saw this board and hope that someone here maybe another stepmom can help me.

I am a 43 year old stepmom of three boys. 16, 11, 9, all great kids. I have been in their life for five years now. I have four children of my own, all grown though, working or in college, youngest is going to be 20.

My problem is that when I met their father he was seperated from the two youngest boys mother, she had finished school and packed up and left them all. He I think more needed someone to help him, after a month of knowing him he invited me to his house and also meet his kids. I got here and couldn't believe what I saw, years of filth, piles of clothes in the living room at least 5 feet tall, no one could find a thing.... oh and it gets worse.

It took me almost 2 months of weekends to get the house clean, and eventually I never went home just so I could keep up. After a few months I gave up my house and moved in with him and the kids.

They did divorce and she gave up custody, they live with us full time. We buy everything pay for everything (which is fine) but all new clothes, socks, underwear etc. ends up at her house and we never see them again ever...have to go buy more just to keep them in clothes. Gets very expensive. They do go to her house but not on a schedule of visits, it's when she wants them. Which right now is about 2 or 3 nights a week, she picks them up after dinner about 7:30 and keeps them over night and sends them to school, then I have them. I wanted some time in the summer to myself and we asked her to take them 2 days a week so that I could go do something not kid related, she told us to put them in daycare if we had a problem. Her grand comment is "she knew you had kids"

She is now crying to him that she loves him etc etc.

There is a TON more that I'm not including in this first post..... but really want to run, I love my husband so much! That is the reason I am still here, I love the kids too and really try hard, but I sit and cry and convince myself that tomorrow is a new day and things will be different.

I think the boys mom tries, I just don't know what to do. Nothing I say has any bearing on decisions made, like schedules for when I don't have them etc. I can't work, I can't go out with friends, I have to be home all the time for them especially in the summer.

Sounds like I'm complaining a whole lot. But..... they also have a mother. I have to have some kind of life outside this house or I will go nuts.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks

S

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Sun, 08-26-2012 - 10:34am
Sounds like you stepped up and sacrificed for this man and his kids but now need a break. Why is it your responsibility to Is there an order for BM visitation? Why is it "when she wants them"? Perhaps a more predictable arrangement would allow you to adjust your schedule for some "you time".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
Sun, 08-26-2012 - 10:49am
Sounds like you stepped up and sacrificed for this man and his kids but now need a break. Why is it your responsibility to care for kids instead of BD? Is there an order for BM visitation? Why is it "when she wants them"? Perhaps a more predictable arrangement would allow you to adjust your schedule for some "you time". If it were me, I would tell BD he must "fix" the visitation schedule ..or do as BM suggests and pay for you to have help. As for missing clothes and things, if BM not willing to be responsible for getting them returned BD (not you) should let het know clothes will no longer be sent...and tell kids what they are wearing will not be replaced...maybe offer oldest small compensation like later curfew or something if he/she makes sure what goes, is brought back (just be sure to check before you pay up). But really....this is stuff their Dad should handle, not you. My guess is will take some work for you to re-train dad to take care of things since you have always done it for him.

Sorry if this posts twice. I had problem with posting it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 12:56pm

I feel for you.This is one of the reasons people really need to think about getting into relationships with other people who have kids..younger kids when you yourself have older ones who are grown..out of the house.You needed to be with a guy like that too but I know that we cant choose who we fall in love with.I think that you should talk to your husband because its his responsibility to fix this...You're right they have a mother...you need your life or else it will all be swallowed up in his chaos.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012
Wed, 10-10-2012 - 11:29am

why you think you need to sacrifice?I dont agree,you too have rights to take decision buddy!! Make your mind set again and move forward!!