I feel burdened due to passive DH

Avatar for girlyone2001
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Registered: 05-04-2003
I feel burdened due to passive DH
5
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 1:30pm

DH and I have been seeing a good therapist. She told us the awful truth that I was not expecting or hoping to heat. DH is beyond passive and will never parent SS the way he needs to be. If SS is to be parented and have a structured living environment that he badly needs and deep down wants?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 8:57pm

Sorry to say but none of this sounds like a good idea. Take it from me, SS will like the new set up for only a while and then the honeymoon ends and the cycle begins. This is not your job, none of it is. The parents of this child had the obligation to raise this child when they had him. They cannot expect MORE parenting out of you than they are willing to give of themselves! Do not set yourself up to be the hated witch!!!!

Real SM's use Jazz Hands
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Registered: 03-13-2007
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 2:58pm

I think your "therapist" just gave your husband permission to walk away from being a parent. Personally, I'd be finding a new therapist.

My husband, too, was incredibly passive when it came to his sons. He is a romantic, loving and attentive husband but has never connected with or done for his sons. He never had...and I'm not exaggerating. For a variety of legitimate reasons, he never connected with them emotionally.

When I'd had enough at one point (several years ago), I told him that I wasn't there when those kids were conceived, so they were NOT MY problem. They had a Father AND a Mother and I was neither. That the two of THEM were going to parent those kids, not me. And, if my husband continued to do nothing for the kids...I would do nothing as well. Not drive them to school, not feed them, not do their laundry, not care if they came or went...I would do NOTHING. And that's exactly what I did...nothing. When my husband would come home from work and find that I hadn't done homework with them, in the mornings when they had no clean school clothes, when they had no packed lunches, when I didn't take them to school in the mornings...he knew I was serious. When he was forced to, he stepped up and then I stepped back in. Partially...never enough to take over for him though, just enough to help out.

This boy is not YOUR son. Your husband had no trouble making him, SOMEONE needs to put a gun to his head and make him grow up and be the parent he signed on for. He was there for the conception, he needs to be a man now and raise his kid. Why in the world would you allow him to walk away and dump ALL the responsibility for this kid on YOU???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 4:23pm

When my husband would come home from work and find that I hadn't done homework with them, in the mornings when they had no clean school clothes, when they had no packed lunches, when I didn't take them to school in the mornings...he knew I was serious.


Perfectly said. The pain of wifey NOT doing things for his child(ren) needs to be more than the pain of her doing things for him.


There has to be a reckoing point

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 4:29pm
Well said!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2010
Tue, 03-23-2010 - 12:31pm

Well done! I wish I had done all of this years ago! I tried to fill in the gaps. BM is a drug addict who comes in and out of their lives when she is sober. DH/BD "rules from the couch" I tried to do everything for the last 10 years, for SDS who are now 20 and 15, while also caring for our own two little ones who are 4 and 6. I even found a job at the university so oldest SD can go to college for free. During those years, I did tell him that I thought he needed to be the "head of the house" where his kids were concerned, and I just needed to back him up, but he said that it was my house too and if I wanted something done, I needed to enforce the rules- so guess who ended up being the rule maker, enforcer, disciplinarian, etc??? And we wonder why they call us Wicked?


Where am I now? Resentful, unappreciated, frustrated. If I say anything to DH, he says, "This is your job, you signed on for this." And I took that from him for years. Finally I realised my job is to raise our two kids, not his. This past summer I told him I was done. Now, his youngest is failing 3 classes. He would ask her, "Is your homework done?" She would say yes, and that would be the end of it. (I would ask to see it). She hasn't done homework in months.


I tried, it didn't work, and he needs to step up.