I've stepped. With NO guilt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
I've stepped. With NO guilt.
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 9:08pm

Sorry this is so long. It's 15 years of purging and a wee bit of therapy for me. Please...feel free to WOB....

After 15 years, it's official. I'm stepping and never looking back.

I've known my husband for 15 years/married for 12, and raised both my SSs (now 18 and 20)for most of those years. Their Mother did everything she could to destroy us and tried to teach the boys to hate us. For all these years, we've lived the merry-go-round, the revolving door that these boys forced on us all. We'd be a loving family of 7 (I have 3 kids)one day and I'd be "Mom". But when they didn't like the rules, they'd call their Mom and say "Echo beats us", "Echo doesn't feed us" and back to her they'd go. None of what they said was true, but they became master manipulators because it worked for them. Every time they lied, they got what they wanted.

Six years ago, the BM encouraged her husband take a trucking job in Florida (we're in Wisconsin) and promised the boys that if they "helped" her get custody of them again, she'd take them to Disney World,the beach, blah blah blah. She wanted the CS money and made NO bones about it. Long story short,she was allowed to take them with her. I now have a file with CPS because of lies they told (and admitted telling) to get there. She kept none of her promises. Big surprise, there. They moved back here 2 years ago.

These boys have stabbed me in the back, destroyed property of mine, manipulated, lied, stole, back stabbed and worse. But, there were "our" sons...a part of our family... so I never turned my back on them. I just kept telling myself that SOMEDAY they'd see their BM for what she truly is. And here and there, they did. They'd turn their back on her and shun any contact with her. Then the cycle would go round again, they'd be unhappy with something here and back to her they'd run.

A month ago, we had yet another 'run in'. And I had an epiphany. Just like a light bulb going off. I reminded myself that these were no longer children. These are ADULT men. And I'm done. I no longer HAVE to endure this BS. My children, my parents...we don't HAVE to put up with this anymore.

I thought about what exactly this was going to mean for me and my family. After thinking it through, I sat my husband down with a bottle of wine and we talked. To my amazement, he held me and told me he loved me for all I'd put up with over the years. That I didn't have to do it anymore. The next day? He helped me take what things they'd left behind out of the house and put it in the garage. He then called the boys and told them they had a week to pick their stuff up. That the revolving door was no more. That he was done with their disrespecting the ONE person who'd never turned their back on them...me. (long story, but even when the BM and my own husband weren't there...I was) He said they were ungrateful and that he would no longer tolerate it. He told them that they could have a relationship, but that it would not ever again include me. That they could come to our home ONLY when I wasn't home. They had pushed too hard and one too many times. Their response? They called me a bitch. And my husband hung up on them. We've not heard from them since. Last weekend, my husband loaded up the truck and dumped their stuff in their Moms drive way...in the snow...and came home crying.

He's broken hearted that they've grown up to be just like their Mother. Me? I've known it for years but wanted to always try and be a positive influence in their lives. No more.

So. For those SMs out there who fear there is no end? There is. I find it funny...I have zero guilt. In years past, when I'd think about 'stepping', I thought that if I did it, I would be consumed with guilt. I don't feel badly about it. My hearts not broken. I'm not sad. I feel...quite...free, actually. For those SMs who say they can't 'step' or lack the strength to do it? When you've had enough...you'll do it.

I don't ever see a time where I will allow their swirling vortex of crap back in my life. The sun is brighter, the air is sweeter and I'm at peace. Why would I go back?

Edited 2/11/2010 9:10 pm ET by echo314

Edited 2/11/2010 9:11 pm ET by echo314

Edited 2/12/2010 2:46 pm ET by echo314
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 9:08am

Hi Echo,

Could you do me a favor and email me through my profile? Thanks! :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2008
Fri, 02-12-2010 - 10:52am
Good for you!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 3:18pm

Release! I rejoice with you. In my own life, it was other family members (not step children) that caused the roiling storm of you know what. And several times I took short steps out of the mess to rebuild my life and strength. Some other family member would lure me back in, and I thought it was their right to do it, and my responsibility to allow it.

No more. Enjoy being finished. I will, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2010
Sat, 02-13-2010 - 3:38pm

Thank you so much for posting such a very honest message!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 6:39am

Thank you for writing this honest post. I am so glad for you that things seem brighter and I want to say those boys were lucky to have such a fabulous SM.

Must admit I am in a similar situation, only that my ss is only 9. Had similar issues and it does feel like a nightmarish merry go round, that doesnt stop or sadly change. Unlike you I dont think I could have gone on for 15 years, so I take my hat off to you for that.

After 4 years of hell - I too decided I could take no more and that I had held my tongue long enough in the face of an abusive, threatening BM who never stopped with her mind games and the spitefulness. I too have snapped and told my husband I couldnt take anymore - I would NEVER stop my husband from seeing his child but I have taken myself out of the equation, I dont want to be around such a toxic environment anymore with a child who lies, manipulates and is enabled to play everyone off on one another, while his mother creates merry hell in the background.

My life is so much happier now that I am not exposed to that. My husband has also been supportive, and constantly tells me this situation is not of my making while everyone says that they dont blame me as they would have not been able to manage what we have been through.

Good luck for your future and long may the peace and harmony continue!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:26pm
I dont mean to hijack this thread, but I just had to give kudos to you and esp your DH for finding a way that works for you, and supporting each other!