living with step-kids who hate me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
living with step-kids who hate me
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 3:47pm

Hi! I don't post much here but I do read quite a bit. Lately I've been contemplating something so much though and I thought that maybe (and it's a really far-fetched maybe) I might get a suggestion or two if I posted.

2 SK's. SD is 15, SS is about to be 12 in 2 weeks. We had got custody, moved the kids in with us, and everything was moving right along. Court date came and went and it turns out the SD had been lying and manipulating from the very beginning and in a very unfortunate turn of events, her brother had to go along for the ride. They were pulled out of school that day, moved from TX to VA. All because the BM promised to be different this time, promised not to tell the SD how much she hated her and wished she was never born, and more importantly we found out to the step-daughter, promised her all sorts of very shiny things, including, but not limited to, a new car(!!) when she turned 16 later this year.

While they were here, we all got along very well. Some bumps occured of course, but nothing major. The biggest was an argument that the SD got grounded over (by her Dad, not me btw). On the way to VA I was barraged with text messages from both the darling SD as well as her mother about what a "b**ch" I was/am. Yes, the BM told her daughter to tell me those things. Among other things. The SD told me how she never liked me and that she resented me, how much she hated me, and she always will. Fast forward to now, she's done more things, of course saying how she won't come visit as long as I'm here (um, get used to it honey, this is MY house), even being down right MEAN to her Dad for not sending her $1k to go on a trip with some friends.

So, needless to say, I haven't heard a single thing from her except of course for the mean texts occasionally, but those have stopped since I blocked the number. The sad thing is, that SS and I actually had a really close relationship. He was having a hard time at school and I helped him every day after school until he got it. Now, sadly, he's failing a grade and his BM is punishing him for it. The saddest part in this for me is that I haven't talked to him at all. I know he doesn't want to upset his mother (she used to monitor our phone calls and ground him for anything he said that she didn't like) but I guess my feelings are still so hurt.

We went through all of the financial hardship and emotional drains that I think everyone else in our position has. And I'm finally coming out on the other side. I think. Maybe. But, here's the thing, I'm going to be here, DH and I have a wonderful relationship DESPITE all the drama. We are more in love now then ever! I guess my question is, SD has said she doesn't want anything from her Dad, but then got mad when he just sent her a birthday card and no present, and of course she has said that both of them want nothing to do with us, especially he still sends birthday cards and christmas presents and things like do I proceed in this situation? I was thinking a good start is to just sign my name to the cards and stuff, I mean, I'm picking them out anyway, and reminding him of the impending birthdays, and I do at least want SS to know I'm thinking of him, and even SD I guess if I get right down to it (even though she won't be allowed to visit until she apologizes profusely at the very least).

So how does one proceed in this situation? I know at some point BM will do something that will change the winds and then SD will be on "our side" again, but I don't want a revolving door (and neither does DH, the kids cannot move here again just because of a fight, it will need to be something big to cause another move again) but I guess I know that I am here to stay and that eventually I don't want it to be a hate-type relationship. I don't want to bend over for them though (mainly SD) and just "forgive". At some point the mis-deeds of the SD will need to be addressed, but in the meantime, how do I handle the right now? Do I sign cards? Send "hello" texts occasionally? I don't even know. I think I'm going to start signing cards for a bit and then hopefully let it progress from there. Maybe.

So how do I live with step-kids that hate me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2008
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 4:14pm
Well I'm so sorry that this has all happened!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2005
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 7:55pm
Hello, I have a very similar situation and it seems since I started reading this board so do allot of people.