need advice desperately......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
need advice desperately......
5
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:07am

My husband and I have been married for almost three years.  We have a two year old and 8 month old.  I have an 18 year old from a previous marriage that lives with us.  He has a 7 year old from a previous marriage that lives with his biological mom.  Here's the problem.  My stepson has decided in the past few months he doesn't wanna come to our house.  He cries if he does come and is supposed to spend the night because he wants his mama and wants to go home.  My husband gives in to him completely and lets him go home and doesn't force him to come on the weekends we are supposed to get him.  The only reason that stepson has given my husband face to face that he doesn't wanna be at our house is because its just not like his mama's house and he misses her.  The other night my husband's exwife told him that stepson told her he that I am mean and his half-sisters get on his nerves with their crying.  My first response to that is "the only reason he thinks I am mean is because I am the only one in the house who corrects him when he's there!".  And as far as the girls getting on his nerves in my opinion he should just get over that! They are two and under for God's Sake!! I feel like my two small children and I are being made out to be the villians!  My husband told me I needed to just be patient and understanding and he assured me he doesn't see us as the bad guys.  But then last night he wouldn't even acknowledge the baby's existence and when my two year old (who loves her daddy very much) tried to have something to do with him he basically brushed it off.  I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!! I don't wanna make the situation worse, but I feel like he needs to sit down and talk to me about it.  His way of dealing with a problem is to shut down, be left alone, and ignore everybody!  What should I do????? Somebody please tell me they've dealt with something like this and there is a way out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 11:24am

IMO, the feelings your SS is experiencing sound pretty normal to me - your own daughters will likely go through some of them too as they get older!  All kids, 1/2 siblings or not, go through times when they don't always get along, don't want to play together etc.  I think your SS is also dealing with the fact that he isn't around them too often which makes it harder to jump in and likely there is some jealousy as well since Dad has to spread his attention around a bit more!  Does your SS have any other siblings at his Moms?

As for your DH not paying attention to your girls, had he been at work?  Is this the first time it has happened?  My DH also has moments when the kids want to be with him (he works shifts and isn't always around so when he is they jump on the chance), but he appears too tired to jump in with them to play.  It happens, so you have to figure out if this is new, increasing or if you are being sensitive to it given what is happening with your SS.

IMO, I think your DH needs to sit down and chat with his son.  Explain that he wants to spend time with him and the importance of him being in your home as well as his Moms.  Perhaps allow him to call home over the weekend to say hi to his Mom or something like that to encourage him to feel safe.  His Mom also has to be on board of course in order for that to work...since a Mom on the other end of the phone line saying she misses him, wants him home or tell Daddy I am coming to get you if you aren't happy will only make things worse!  We went through a stage like this with my SD, she's almost 11 now, she had the odd weekend where she would cry and say she wanted to go home.  DH never let her, but did take the time to explain to her how he felt and what being part of a family meant.  Its hard on little ones, they don't fully understand and when parents support them going home etc. it makes them realize they can do that to get what they want...not a good thing!  Maybe your SS needs to spend some one on one time with your DH AND you?  Take him somewhere special just you and him, then the next time your DH can take him...nothing expensive, even just a walk or trip to the park.

It's hard sometimes getting our blended families to all be happy with our decisions, but with some extra effort it can be done!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 11:41am

No, he has no other siblings at his mom's  house....only child and her husband isn't there half the time....he works off, so its just SS and his mom there....totally opposite of my house which is constantly full of people , small people who DEMAND attention.  SS's mom has point blank told my husband that she will never make him come to our house if he doesn't want to, so she is NOT on board with helping the situation any.  She is a very controlling person.  This past summer when SS came to stay with us for two week visitation, she went ballistic one day because she wanted to come get him for a few hours and we had already made plans that this was going to interfere with so we told her no.  We ended up letting her come pick him up for a few hours the next day.  I just want a big happy family, where all the kids are treated the same and everybody is loved.....am I just dreaming or is this possible???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 10:49am

It's possible....just hard. 

Maybe some ground rules need to be put in place.  I'm not sure what kind of agreement/contract is held between the two of them, your DH and Bio Mom, but maybe some of these issues need to be put in place to keep everyone happy?  For example we have two weeks over the summer to spend with my SD, once she is here, she is HERE for the 2 weeks...no visits with Mom etc.  Of course she can call her or whatever, but she stays here.  IMO I also don't think it's healthy that Bio Mom makes no effort to see why it's important that her son spend time with his father.  IF she had been more on board with making everyone happy, not just herself, then it would be easier to work at.

I think your SS is also suffering and finding it harder to adjust to your home since it is busier, there are siblings and more adults who all require different things at different times.  It makes it hard for him to come from a house that is all about him and into a house where he is part of the bigger picture.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2012
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 11:31am

My DH is treating me like I am the evil villian.  Last night he snapped and yelled at me because he told me he was handling it and didn't want me to do anything but be patient and understanding and just coast along right now.  He said he just wants me to be there when he needs me, which is not right now.  I am a problem solver and can't stand to just let things go on.   He didn't even want me to go to SS's soccer game with him last night because he said all SS needs right now is to reassurance from his dad.  He once again last night didn't achkowledge the baby, and ignored our two year old.  My 18 year old has a ballgame tonight (she is a high school cheerleader) and he doesn't wanna go with me.  He got irritated when I asked him to watch the two lil girls so I can go then.  I know I need to be patient, its just really really really hard.  I just wanna shake him.  I told him when he was yelling at me that I am not the enemy here.  I am afraid in his I am though, because I am the one who changed everything for SS. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 2:00pm

How are you the one that changed everything for your stepson? You have been married for 3 years, he needs to adjust to this relationship whether his mom is on board or not. Giving in to his mom's emotional blackmail is not helping him at all, I agree with Disney that boundaries need to be drawn and stuck to. If the BM is not cooperating, than it's time to get lawyers involved. You have a custody arrangement, it's not up to her to decide that SS doesn't need to come be at your house if he doesn't want to. She needs to get a bit of distance from him, giving into her controlling behavior is only making it worse.

Your DH is acting ridiculous! He is not handling it at all, he's just hoping to brush it all under the carpet so he doesn't have to deal with it or have to actually stand up and make the right choices for his son. Pushing you out is not what marriage is all about, he's just making the situation worse. He is those girls' father and needs to step up to bat as much as he does for his son.

Does he expect you to just not be there whenever his son is so that his son doesn't have to learn to deal with the situation?