New to the board, and needing advice and to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007
New to the board, and needing advice and to vent.
2
Mon, 07-30-2012 - 11:21am

Hi all!  I am glad I found this board.  I will try to keep this from being too long!

My BF and I have been together for almost five years.  I have a son, 18, daughter, 14, and daughter, 8.  He has a daughter, 14, and a son, 16.  He has full custody of his kids, and I of mine.  His son has Bi-Polar disorder, depression, and ADHD.  Great kid, excels in school and sports, no major problems with him.  His daughter seems to suffer from PTSD and shows signs of Bi-polar disorder or a mood disorder, but has not been diagnosed.  Their mother has Bi-Polar and another mental illness, not sure what.  When they were young, they didn't get any mothering, care, and love from her.  The son would threaten to harm or kill his sister, this is when his mental state was unstable.  The daughter has never gotten help with dealing with issues from her childhood.

For the most part things have gone well with our blended family.  Everyone gets along.  This past April his daughter lost it.  She blew up at me and basically had a nervous breakdown.  It was all aimed toward me because I am not her parent, so I was the 'safe' person to lash out at.  When this breakdown occurred, it broke up our family for about a month.  Her father brought her to stay with his parents, (about an hour away from where we live), and he stayed there with her so he could bring her to school on his way to work, and then back again in the evenings.  It was a horrible time, but we worked it out.  She didn't want to come home, but did it basically to please her dad.  She told the family therapist that she had conditions to come home.  They were mostly unrealistic.  Like one was that her and I not talk to each other, another was that she didn't want to use anything that I purchased, like food, shampoo, etc. (I do the grocery shopping).  So basically she didn't want anything to do with me.  She came home with her dad and she was all happy and cheerful and talking to me like nothing ever happened.  Since then things have been pretty good.  Her and I have got along just fine.

For the past two months, she has been, 'witchy' acting to everyone.  If she has to be home at a certain time but is late and gets reprimanded for it, there is hell to pay.  She will cry, go to her room and slam the door, and not talk to anyone. If she doesn't get what she wants, (which she almost always does!), she does the same thing.  For example, last night her dad told her to be home by 9pm.  She was late, he said something to her about it, and she went to her room, shut the door and didn't talk to us the rest of the night. She didn't even get in trouble!  No punishment, so why so pissy?!  I am so tired of seeing her walk all over her father.  She treats him like crap, but he gives her everything she wants.  She is a spoiled brat.  I continue to be nice to her of course, and do things for her.  But I think that's going to stop after last night.

BF and I have been talking about marriage.  We are going to Disney World in December, my dad's gift to us, he's taking all seven of us, all expenses paid, (my dad is great!).  SS and I were talking about the trip.  I said, "that would be neat if your dad proposed to me there!".  He said, "SD would kill dad if he did that".  I asked why he says that.  He said, "because she doesn't like you still".  :smileysurprised:  This isn't the first time I've heard this.  My daughter has told me several times that SD has said this.  So needless to say, I SO don't want her to go with us.  I hate for MY father to pay for her to go.  Why would I want my father to do that for someone that doesn't like me?  Also she has a going away party coming up because she is going away to school this fall.  I was helping her plan it, and reserving the space at a State Park where she wants to have the party.  I don't want any part of helping her with this now.  I suggested the gift we got her, and took care of that too.  Now I regret it.  

Part of me thinks I should just continue to help her, only if she asks, not go out of my way to do anything, and just go on like nothing is wrong because after all she will be leaving in two weeks for school and won't be around anymore.  The other part of me wants to avoid her at all costs lol.  I'm really hurt that I've been doing all these nice things for her just to hear she's talking smack about me.

I plan to discuss this with BF when we see our family therapist this week, but I'm curious to hear what you all think and what you would do.  

Sorry for such a long read!  If you made it to the end, thanks! :smileyhappy:

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004

Welcome to the Board! 

IMO it sounds like there is so much going on emotionally and mentally with these children that any kind of relationship will be hard at this point.  How does she get along with her Dad?  I assume fairly well and maybe that's because there are no rules with him?  I think it's a fantastic idea that you are all in therapy together/apart, it's obviously needed and hopefully you will all benefit as time goes on.

As for the vacation, that is VERY thoughtful of your Dad!  We travel to Disney too and I know first hand how expensive it can be!  I can understand how you feel about your Dad paying for your SD, but I think to have him do otherwise just for her might cause some additional waves.  Is there any way you can talk to your DH more about it, at therapy I think is what you indicated you were going to do, and let him know how this makes you feel?  Maybe the two of you can come to an agreement about how to handle the situation, but I think to exclude her now, will only make things worse...especially if she knew you were the one who wanted her excluded or for someone else to pay etc.

My concern would be how relaxing and enjoyable this vacation would be if everyone is together?  It's clear that there is alot of stress within the family and what if your BF asked you to marry him?  Maybe this is also something that you need to discuss with him and see if you two can work something out.  I'd imagine no matter when he asks your SD will have an issue and that in itself is a problem.  Have you all done therapy together as a complete family?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2007

She is daddy's little girl, she has him wrapped around her little finger. lol  I could never disclude her from the trip, I wouldn't feel right doing that and like you said, wouldn't want to cause additional waves.  Just in the current state of things, the thought of her going, irritates me, but I'm sure I'll get over it.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though she is acting like a spoiled rotten brat, and a witch, she has issues that she doesn't know how to deal with and sometimes can't help the way she is.  It's just so confusing and upsetting when one day she acts like my best friend, like yesterday, we had a great day and a lot of fun together, then the next day she is on the phone crying to her mother that she can't take it here anymore, for what appears to be no reason.

A friend of mine brought up a good point about the whole SD against BF and I getting married.  It could be that she still wants her parents back together.  That very well could be it.  

As for the vacation, I'm sure she will be fine.  We all went to D.C. for Spring Break, and her, my girls, and I shared a room and everything was great.  I am determined to NOT let anyone ruin my fun on this trip!  I will have to keep in mind to rise above!

We keep talking about family therapy together, but have yet to do it.  I'm afraid that SD won't get any help for her issues now that she is going away to school. :smileysad:  Her dad had a therapist for her, she went once then used the excuse that the therapist is on maternity leave, for the reason that she isn't going anymore.  Lame!  They have other therapists she can see!  Anyway, things are going well for the moment.  Seems we live in harmony til SD doesn't get her way.  Hopefully the week will continue to go well. :smileyhappy:

 

 

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