Not feeling the love for your stepkids?

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Not feeling the love for your stepkids?
4
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 3:38pm

This is a topic that has come up frequently on this board, and thought that the following article from the Huffington Post would hit home for some of you - what to do when you don't love your stepkids:

The reality is that second marriages with children have a 65-70% divorce rate. My clinical practice has taught me that much of this failure derives from the unrealistic expectations so many couples bring to stepfamily life.

Many stepmoms feel "thrown under the bus" when it comes to their partner's children and that the kids are prioritized over them. Their stepchildren treat them with disrespect and their partner's continual refusal to correct their children or teach basic good manners does not bode well for the marriage.

You can read the full article at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-t-kelly-ma/whats-love-got-to-do-with_2_b_2156663.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents

She goes on to say that most dads have unrealistic expectations when it comes to how they expect their wife to handle the blended family, and that their own guilt at failing their kids with their first marriage is a factor behind the feelings.  

Do you think that stepmoms should be honor bound to love their stepkids?  How do you handle it when your husband tries to hold you up to impossible standards?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:07pm

Excellent post, Melissa, thank you!

I totally agree with this; No one can be expected to have "instant" love for someone else's children, it comes with time, as does any relationship. Yes, with your birth children, or adoptions, this is different. But, the dh often expects Full and Immediate devotion to his kids, and this is not only unrealistic,it's also unfair. My sks treat me with so little respect and regard (and their dad Lets them :(, that they are not the kind of people I would Ever choose to spend time with. (they are all over 18 now, but respect has never been important here..oh, IM to give it, but not them! bleh!)

People Earn respect and love, by follwing the Golden Rule. Kids should be taught this, and to do things To breed care and devotion. It Cannot all be one-sided. Young children, yes, are given more time and direction to learn this, but it surely Up to the bp (dad or mom) to make sure this happens.

 

thanks again!

sincerely,

pepperj7

Pepperjack7

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 3:24pm
Glad you liked it! I agree with all that you said, it's up to the bp to make sure that the kids learn respect and how to treat people, you just can't expect the sm to continually put up with abuse and still show love towards your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 4:08pm

Over 30 years, I was a devoted wife to a man of 4 kids & treated my step-kids with love & devotion & kindness.  I didn't know anything about divorce until these poor step-children of mine came into my life.  I felt so bad for the kids that my husband & I tried every which way we could to make them happy over their poor, pitiful, ruined lives.  We sent money & gifts for every holiday & every birthday & Mega Child Support & plane tickets to come visit.  What did we get in return?  My husband & I each got a nice dish of poisonous lies & hatred & cruelty from their mother.  In the end, it has been proven that the kids are the ones that ate it.  Which means of course, they have Never reciprocated any kindness towards me or their dad - ever!! I tried so hard to make them love me but it is the dumbest thing a woman could ever do.  These days I want nothing to do with those people.  Thank god they live 2000 miles away.  My husband? Yep we are still together & he's hurt by their spooning up their mom's nastiness but what can he do? He's only their dad.  We have our life together & I'm glad they're not part of it.

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 01-25-2013 - 2:43pm
I find it so sad when parents can poison their children against the other parents. Nobody wins in that scenario at all, and it is not a good way to raise your kids. I'm sorry that you found yourself dealing with this, but I'm glad you stuck by your husband. At least he has you in his life.