This is so wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
This is so wrong
8
Sun, 02-28-2010 - 9:05pm

An update on SD13 since DH is home as of this morning. He had a talk with her about trashing me all over facebook ( still don't know why she did, I'm in the dark) but she had taken the offensive remarks off thusly erasing all evidence before he could see it all, so now it doesn't seem so bad to him. He told her to apologize to me and begrudgingly she did. OK, fine.


I still do not feel good about any of this as she gives very black vibes 85% of the time and now I really don't trust her anymore. She also hated her BM'S BF

Real SM's use Jazz Hands
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 4:51pm

She's a kid. She's in a situation she has no control over, and she at an age where manipulation can be a problem. She is lashing out. She hasn't been very nice to you. Those are the facts that I can see.


Here's what I would do: If she is trashing you on facebook, delete her... you can't be bothered by what you don't see. Hide her feed at a minimum. If you have been as kind as you say you have, then what she says is not true. It shouldn't hold any merit for you.


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She's right you know... she doesn't have to like you... all kids go through this and spit out venom every now and then. Kids are really intuitive... they know who will be hurt the most with statements like this and they spit em out to those people. My favorite response to stmts like these is "well, I love you, no matter how you feel about me. That will never change." Give her some room to be angry without getting hurt about it. Let her know that it's ok to be mad, but that she has to be respectful. If she is dogging you on Facebook, let her know that you didn't do anything to deserve that. Personally if it were me, I would demand a retraction. I would let my DH know in NO UNCERTAIN terms that she needs to post about the inappropriateness of her statements, admit to any untruths

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Mon, 03-01-2010 - 6:14pm

**Here's what I would do: If she is trashing you on facebook, delete her... you can't be bothered by what you don't see. Hide her feed at a minimum. If you have been as kind as you say you have, then what she says is not true. It shouldn't hold any merit for you. ***


I do not have her on my facebook, never had. She doesn't want that nor would I want her on mine. However, my DD21 has her and it is to keep an eye on her, this was the only way we'd agree to let her have it, so it's how I found out. It has rippled over to ALL BM'S family now.........I have my pride, KWIM? Yes, we have made her counteract her statements, however I have yet to be shown this. He gave her a 2 week suspension from it.


DH and I finally had a talk alone today. Stripping her room is my idea (like Dr. Phil would say too) but DH thinks that borders on abusive, to walk in there and take out everything I've provided which would leave her on the floor to sleep without so much as a sleeping bag. Sounds horrible, I know. And she's stuborn ennuf that she would take her housecoat and cover up on the floor to make a point, trouble is, housecoat came from me too,lol.


So....I said,

Real SM's use Jazz Hands
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 03-17-2010 - 3:18pm

Sorry to hear that, the way she talks in your house when you have company is totally unacceptable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2009
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 10:04am

As a former stepchild, I will tell you that none of the methods you are implementing are going to make your situation any better. They will make her pull away from you faster and hate you more.

Are you taking things away because you want to make things better or to prove some kind of point to yourself?

You're reinforcing her opinions of you and validating her "wicked witch" mental image... I don't know that's the route you want to go.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 6:17pm

If she's irritating you just ignore her. She's dad's responsibility, let him deal with everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.

Don't talk to her, leave her alone. If something needs to be sorted, be a snitch and tell dad when she's not around.

Disengage yourself, is what I say. Not your kid, not your problem.

I love my DSD, she's a madam, and when she crosses the line, DH deals with her. I just go about my business, I feed her, I play with her, but at the end of it all, she's not my child, and those issue are DH's issues. Not mine.

Why burden yourself trying to sort something out when she's far less inclined to listen to you ANYWAY because you're not BM? Don't forget, she is 13 and all kids hate their parents and any kind of authority regardless, so it's probably not even you. It's the hormones talking.

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There's your problem. Dad's not doing anything about it, and if it's fine by dad, why can't your SD do it? Don't you be the bad guy. Kick him up the azz, it's his job, not yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 8:24pm

Hi, thanks so much for sharing that. In answer to your question about BM, she is out of the picture as she is an addict and the skids are with us because I am the one who told my DH that he should step up and see what is all happening in that household. I could see they were in danger, endangered daily and starved. Also witnesss their mom get beat up by her random men. ETC...ETC...


They are safe because of me, I gave them the opportunity to trust us to tell us their situation then they begged us not to send them back. They have forgotten all this as the novelty has worn off for them and the new little holiday is old now, chores and rules to listen to, you know. SD hates me because I see thru her games and call her on it whereas her dad is so easy going and she knows this.


Since I have written in, I have adopted the disengaged position. The 'not my kids, not my problem' position. It's too bad, they need a mom and could've had one in me. The younger one is still respectful but I have backed off there too. As long as she is respectful though, I still help her where she needs it most. Their mom is in another province supposedly getting rehab and I would like nothing more than they go to their own mom. However, the oldest has written her mom off, 2 years ago already and hates her.


I never did have her on my facebook ( didnt want her there) I just happened to find stuff out on my own thru my own daughter then went on to look for myself as SD did not have her account locked well enuf. Her dad has since canceled her facebook since she was so irresponsible with it.


She does not talk to me at all.........it sucks in this house most times now. Thanks again for your ear.

Real SM's use Jazz Hands
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 8:37pm
Real SM's use Jazz Hands
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 8:39pm
I agree wholeheartedly and thank you. I have since disengaged and it feels good.
Real SM's use Jazz Hands