SS set up BM vs SM....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
SS set up BM vs SM....
4
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:49am

I really thought we were done with this... 

SS figured out a while back that he could whine and complain to his mother about how things are when he's with DP and myself, and that she's get all sympathetic to him, lay into us, and basically give him anything he wants.

This has led to some escalating lies, including to a child psychologist that his mother insisted that he go to (She decided that he must have ADHD because he's a bully, he beats up kids at school and likes to hurt animals. Psychologist has ruled out ADHD and autism spectrum. I say its because he has a bad upbringing with no rules, no consequences and getting his own way constantly =.=) 

My man works early morning shifts, 4am to 2pm. I go to school and study the language here to better my job prospects. This means that we both want to sleep to a reasonable time on weekend mornings.
When we have SS over, he thinks that it is too boring and not fun (his words) to be reasonably quiet on a morning. No matter what time he goes to be, he is always up at 7am. Sometimes earlier.  
I feel that at nine years old, he is plenty old enough to entertain himself with quiet reading, drawing or playing quietly with toys in his room until around 9am.
I ran my method past DP who agreed with me (after over a year of doing nothing but asking SS to be quiet in the morning when he was put to bed on a night) so I put in place a system.
Wakes us first time he gets a warning of the consequences that will happen if it happens again.
Wakes us second time, he loses his hour of tv time.
Wakes us third time, he is told that he'll be sent outside to play at 9am.  
Wakes us for a fourth time, he gets sent outside to play directly.

This all seems perfectly reasonable to us. I was moving and playing silently on a morning in my parents home from the age of 5. 
But without fail, every single morning, we get to four warnings, and of course, he got sent outside. We had two mornings in over a year, where he got his tv time. He understands what happens and why, so its his own chosing, and he never complained to me or DP about it. Just got dressed and went out to play with a friend or in the sandbox outside the apartment.

Turns out he's been talking about it to BM and now its blown up into a  massive SM is mistreating him thing... how the heck is holding to consequences mistreating him?
This is a boy who hasn't had a haircut in a year because he doesn't want it. He looks like a tramp, he won't shower properly, doesn't brush his hair, he still pees himself becuase he can't be bothered to go to the bathroom, and nobody says anything to him about it... They just let him get along with it because he wants it...

He told the psychologist that he has to be outside by 9am because I can't sleep with him in the apartment... He knows he gets sent out on his 3rd/4th warning because he refuses to be quiet... how is throwing bits of a wooden train set across the room at the wall being quiet?

I had to last minute babysit, cancelling a trip into the city that I'd been planning for weeks, because she wanted to get laid with her new Boyfriend and changed the weekend arrangement last minute, literally with a sms that said "You're keeping him tonight, got a problem with it, talk to your mother"

I was told that she'd be picking him up at 9am the day after she was supposed to get him, and since the last time we met, we had a very large argument (she barged into the apartment uninvited and I got seriously angry at her for it) I decided that since it was just me looking after the boy without DP around to make sure that she didn't do anything stupid, I didn't want to see her. So at 9am, I asked SS if he'd like to go wait for her outside in the play area. He said yes. I asked if he wanted to take his bag with him or come back up for it when she arrived, he said he'd take it with him. 
So off he went. Half an hour later he was still there...

She turned up and picked him up a little after half past. But not before she'd sent a message to my DP that SS had messaged her that I'd thrown him out. That I knew that she wasn't coming to get him until 10am... and that he never gets to stay inside past 9am... That I was mistreating him and that she'd quote "Never ask him to go there again"  

DP wasn't fussed. I, quite frankly, was happy to get him out of my  hair. He's been nothing but a whining, complaining, rude, disrespectful and lazy boy with us.
We've been better this last month or two than we have in a long time. We're both acceptably rested, we don't argue about anything, we're happy. Really really happy...

But today, we get a letter in the mail from BM... that is calling "everyone with anything to do with SS" to a meeting with a child psychologist next month....
I thought we were all done with this, she's got full custody of him. We're happy with that. And I know, because everyone here thinks that I'm an evil witch for insisting that we have rules and stick to consequences in our home... this is just going to turn into a "ITS SM'S FAULT" ranting session, where I can't even defend myself properly because I don't yet have a full grasp on the language. I'll be able to understand pretty much everything, but I won't be able to justify or defend myself... and this'll make me sick again. All this mess with SS sets my bloodpressure to very unsafe levels... 

I just really don't get this.
I'm evil for doing something that his parents should have done a long time ago.
I'm evil for teaching him something that he needs to get by in life.
I taught this boy to read, something that his parents should have started on, but neither could be bothered. But that makes me evil too, because I stick my nose where its not wanted...
I tried to get along with this boy, I really did. I tried and tried, gave nothing but love and structure, and was kicked in the face every single time. And I'm evil because I refuse to do it any longer.

I am done with him. I want nothing more to do with him. I'd pretty much disengaged... and now all this is starting up again... I'm just so confused and unhappy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 6:23am

I live in a Scandinavian country, so they do things quite differently here =(

The appointment is set for a certain time and there's no meeting the dr beforehand as they're really booked up with kids that actually need help instead of having an attentionseeking mother. I'm well aware that he has two perfectly fine parents =) I've never wanted to be a mother to him, not that it's stopped his BM's tirade of hatred and pettiness against me or DP =.=

I can't make other arrangements though. DP works morning shifts, and on the days he had custody, the only way he got to see the boy, was if I babysat on a morning. And I was alright with that, as long as I was shown respect and SS followed the few rules that I have.

But, SS happily goes against the rules when its just me looking after him, whines and complains when I tell him he's to deal with the consequences, then cries to mommy when he goes to her.

I get no real support from DP with rules or consequences. Truth be told, as soon as I moved in, he stopped with discipline completely *sigh*

Sad to say, I have no friends here... I moved here a few years ago, the language course I'm on is filled with people from all over the world. I'm the youngest in the group by about 10years or so, and nobody wants anything to do with me =( So shy of spending money I don't have on a motel, and letting the boy force me out of my home... I'm stuck.

I'm still jobseeking with no luck, and thanks to being forced to babysit because BM likes to dump SS on us... me... extra with no warning so she can "play" with her new boyfriend... bah.

I've explained many many times to my DP that I cannot and will not deal with SS and his lack of respect and selfishness anymore. I've put up with it for a few years now, and I'm done trying. DP just goes quiet, sad and won't say a word about it, sometimes moody and then silent too. Same thing whenever I try talking to him about the boy.

He's only ever said he wants to do things his way (which after a few years of not working, he still sticks to =/) then again with the silent treatment when I tell him its not working, and is he happy that we get called into school to talk with the teachers about the stupid things and the bullying he does...

Thanks to SS I don't even know if I want kids anymore... I really can't see them in a positive light anymore. If I ended up with a kid like that, I' don't know what I'd do =(

And this letter is being such a pain to write. I don't know the questions that we're going to be having at this stupid meeting, so I don't know what I should write... but everything I want to write would take up about 20pages... Bah! Thanks for the kind words and advice Pepper *hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 11:58am

Hi Fi,

 Is there a Specific reason you cannot meet with the dr. beforehand..or is it just because the ex Says so? This is a free country, set up an appointment and go, if there is nothing Legal stopping you; and I doubt there is..that would have to be court ordered, and I don't see that the justice system is involved, right?

 Writing things out is a great idea; it will help you stick to important points. Also remember that this child HAS two living, healthy parents, and YOU are not one of them. Therefore, let Them deal with this. If you cannot sleep, tell you partner that you will make other arrangements, when his child is there. Ask to stay with a friend, and maybe take them to dinner, clean their place, etc, to 'pay them back'. Let HIM deal with HIS child..it sounds like he is leaving it to you. Not right! Back out of the situation, emotionally and physically, and explain that you have done ALL you can, you cannot handle any more, so you are leaving it...problem AND solution, up to his Parents. if your partner doesn't like this, then let him know that HE can find a solution, or sadly, move on. It has happened before, but if you are not respected Now..u Never will be! You Deserve Respect!!! sincerely with lots of hugs!, Pepper

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:17am
Thats a really good idea, thanks =) We don't get an option to see the psychologist separately unfortunately =( Its just going to be BM, DP me, Grandparents on DP's side and maybe a teacher or two. I don't even know if SS is going to be there... I'll write out that letter. If nothing else, it'll make me feel a bit better =) Thank you very much for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:51pm

I don't blame you at all for not wanting to go to the session and just being done with the whole thing. It doesn't sound like that's option though, one thing you could do was to write down everything that you want to say so that you can hand your letter to the psychologist, and you don't have to stress about the language barrier. Just keep it matter of fact and try to leave out emotion, you want to still remain respectful while getting your point across that you are just laying down rules and consequences. You could even try to meet with the psychologist beforehand to go over the letter, it might not be a bad thing for you and your DP to do together.