Step mum with no babies of her own...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2012
Step mum with no babies of her own...
4
Sat, 03-03-2012 - 6:16pm
Hi, feeling a bit alone in my situation and feel like I need to get it off my chest. When I got with my bf he didn't have any kids... Then 7 months down the line a girl turns up out of the blue stating her 3 year old was my bf's son. We both took it quite well and began seeing him once a week. No biggie you may think... However 9 months later it happened again!! Another girl turns up saying her 9 month old baby girl was my bf's!! After some manic counting on fingers I figured that she had been conceived the month before we got together. I didn't take this one so well... The fact that my bf of 16 months now had a son AND a daughter completely devastated me. I thought that he didn't need me anymore.. He had his family now. He was 30 and I was 26 at the time... Ideal baby making age I thought...however he reassured me that these babies weren't what he wanted, he wanted to do everything properly, be married etc but he would be there for these two "illegitimates". We are now two years down the line and are not allowed to see the little boy anymore (long story-the mother is a nutter) however the bond between my bf and his daughter is unbelievable!! I feel so left out because the pair of them are as thick as thieves!! It sounds awful but sometimes I really resent her very existence!! My bf totally isn't interested in the two of us having a baby any time soon cos he's so wrapped up with his daughter. Meanwhile my biological clock is ticking so loud it's registering on the richter scale!! To top it off both bm's are jobless with 2 kids to 2 dads and are out all the time while I struggle to make ends meet in a full time job!! Anyway that's my story, rant over, would love to hear other ppls stories x
Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:33pm
That's a very tough situation to be in, and I think you need to have a heart to heart with your bf about what you need from the relationship. Have you made any plans to get married? If he's dragging his feet on this, you need to decide how long you are willing to wait. (((HUGS))) I hope he realizes that he needs to give you as much attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 2:33am

My husband had just won custody of his daughter a year before we met. We got together when she was 4, now six years later, she's 10. It's been a struggle.

I remember in the beginning feeling and thinking all sorts of things that made me feel horribly guilty. Like, he loves her more than me and there's nothing that could ever change that; or if we do have children, it just won't be the same for him like it would be for me...it will be my first, and his second. To this day I still struggle with similar thoughts...now it's like "why can't she just respect me?" and even "Our lives are so much more peaceful when she's not around."

Me and my husband have a wonderful relationship now. We of course have our down moments, but overall we communicate well, and typically are quick to find resolutions to our problems.

I've raised her more than her own Mother, but yet I feel so under-appreciated/respected, like every suggestion or thing that I ask requires a rebuttle from her.

It's difficult, and sometimes my concerns about starting my family are, what if she influences their behavior? What if she ends up being a bad example for my children.

With us debating wether to try for a baby this year or the next, I'm flip flopping between baby itch and baby dread.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2012
Thu, 04-12-2012 - 4:38pm
I totally understand how you feel. I'm so relieved when she goes back to her mums sometimes that it makes me wonder if I even want a baby of my own. I wonder if we have one together would it look like her, behave like her etc etc. plus I wonder if my bf will love a new baby as much as her :( I'm the first born daughter n I know I'm my dads favourite!
I get on with my step daughters mother pretty well considering the situation... And from what she has told me, she is struggling to find a new bf who will accept the fact that she has 2 kids to 2 dads already... It makes me want to shake her and say "look what you have done!!! Ruined my life and ur own!!" but what's done is done. People say I'm strong for dealing with the whole mess but what else can you do?? (apart from rant to strangers on here!!) thanks for sharing btw, im glad I'm not alone!! X
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2012
Sun, 04-15-2012 - 10:47pm
I can only repeat, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is the hardest thing being a SM and not sharing a child with your new husband as well!!! I can not have a child with my husband and it breaks my heart almost everyday! I want and deserve that same bond as he has with his ex girlfriend. A child of our own! He doesnt understand my pain!! I will enter more when I can! Good luck to you!