I'm just really struggling...so pardon the vent.
I am going to use myself as an example here.
I cut my mom out of my life 5 years ago. She is a toxic, ugly person. She thrives on all the things I want to avoid. I don't want my children anywhere near her. I have a really large family (6 sisters 5 brothers). My mom had 5 of us. They did not all cut her out. They all still talk to her. I value my relationships with my siblings, and I love them dearly. I don't have ANY control over who they choose to have in their life. That includes mom. I'm not mad at them for having a relationship with her, and it doesn't bother me in the least. They are grown, with a right to choose who they will and won't have in their life. I have the same right. I think you guys are overstepping here. You are perfectly able to have a relationship with
Deep breath... No one can "get at you" unless you let them. I feel your pain and annoyance, but you are giving BM way too much power. You can't control any other adult. If it makes you uncomfortable that BM is befriending his grown neices and nephews and you would rather not have them over at your house because of the akwardness then don't. Do not waste another minute concerning yourself with who BM talks to. Your skids are grown and her life has nothing to do with yours.
I rolled my eyes when I saw that the BM in my sitch Facebook friended my brother and sister in law and double eye rolled when they accepted, but I don't let it bother me. BM and DH had a nasty divorce (you would think his family would "side" with him) but that was years ago and brother and sister in law have decided it wouldn't hurt them to do it and DH and I have decided to move on. They still don't really like her and even if they loved her and had margaritas with her every night I would just choose not to talk to them and move on. You won, you got the man. So if she spends countless hours trying to get at you because she is jealous, leave her alone in her misery. Don't fight back, don't give it your attention because then she wins. Enjoy your husband and the peace of mind knowing you have successfully raised your children. You should be drinking wine, cuddling on the couch, and planning vacations together! Good Luck.