Wanting some advice - when Stepmom is/was Mistress

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Wanting some advice - when Stepmom is/was Mistress
Sun, 11-10-2013 - 5:02pm

I would like some advice - sorta flip-flopped.

My husband began having an affair for a while - which led to a looooong divorce.   We were done just recently.   They say they are going to get married & the woman has now moved into our beautiful marital family home.   (The kids & I  opted to move into a townhome, for practical reasons - that house is TOO big & $ to maintain).   

So I find out that she's moved in & is beautifying the place.   Last week, their dad called them wanting to come to the house & enjoy a lovely home-cooked dinner by the mistress.  They went over, but were, alledgedly, somewhat rude & did not stay to eat what she'd prepared.

Guess Im just wanting your advice, esp given that this "stepmom" originated with an affair.   The kids are well aware of the affair & the lying, adultery, etc.    They are 18 & 15.  

Advice - as to how I deal with this?    Yes, I chose to leave, but it hurts both the kids & I that she has made herself at home already in our lovely family home.   Since it's been 2 years since the affair began, they are now actively trying to force them to like her.   His mother has even gotten into the act.   She wants my kids away from me (I hung the moon - til all this happened - now she hates me & cant quit talking bad about me ... as my hub has tried to persuade his mom to like his mistress.)

How do I deal with this?   What should the kids do?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2013

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this. Those situations are never easy to navigate through. At least your kids are old enough to where they can make their own decisions about how they will relate and interact with her. It will take some time but I think you will eventually figure out what will make you the most comfortable. Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004

I know it must be very hard, but unfortunately regardless of how this woman came into your lives she (and your ex) can choose to live where they want and as you said you did leave.  I'd be upset if you were forced out, that would be different!  I wouldn't worry about what they are doing or how wonderful they are making the home etc., do things to make your own home beautiful!!  It's where you live and you and the kids deserve it!  Take some time and do things with and for your kids, don't spend time worrying about material things...relationships are more important!

It sounds like your kids are making up their own minds when it comes to being there, and if they choose not to stay for dinner etc. that is their decision.  Now, if you were influencing them not to stay or saying bad things about their Dad or this woman that's different (even if some of it were true! Wink).  Just be patient and get your things in order.  Make your own home a wonderful one and in time you'll realize nothing they do matters and while it may seem like it now, it's really not.  What you do and how you look after your kids does!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2014

I agree with the other comments. I beleive the kids are old enough to form their own opinion. keep yours to yourself so that they don't feel the need to choose sides due to wanting to be loyal to one parent or the other. It's too bad to see what they are doing because really they are only going to create a more strained relationship for themselves with your children. You should just continue to enjoy all the time you spend with them, let them talk when they need to, they have mixed feelings or maybe they aren't mised at all, but may need someone to talk to, let that be you and just listen. make your new home a safe place, they may have a hard time going to this new place which was once an old place filled with memories of you and him, not him and her. what he does whether its right or wrong is not in your control. explain that to the kids too, its not in their control either, they are only incontrol of how they react to it. they have the right to be angry and they have the right to be careless about it if they choose. the mistress also may be changing the house because it may be full of reminders to her that you were there before her and now she is the next one. i would feel bad for her... he cheated on you with her, now she has to live with him wondering everyday if she will soon be in the same shoes as you... i wish you luck and wish you all the best for your new journey in life with your beautiful children!!