What frustrates you about being a stepmom?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
What frustrates you about being a stepmom?
7
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 8:37am

Is there anything in particular that you find difficult or would like to change?  What advice would you give to a friend who is considering getting involved with a dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2014
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 4:50pm

I'm dealing with a deep depression right now and all centered on my role as a step mother. The hardest part is raising children that you do not have a maternal bond with. When you first meet the man and the kids it's easy to convince yourself how wonderful it will be. But then the honeymoon wears off. Your mother in law has lunch with his ex. You begin to wonder if maybe you do want your own children. The ex takes your husband back to court. She refuses to pay child support because you have a salary. But worst of all, you are lonely. Because no one understands your life. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2014
Wed, 02-12-2014 - 2:26pm

I understand... I have been with my husband for 11 years. about four years ago we got sole custoody of my step daughter. she is a train wreck (she has abandonment issues due to her mother, she witnessed abuse in moms home, she is very woe is me child even though she has everything she could ever possibly imagine here, and two parents me and husband who love her very dearly) she is on a destructive path and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. she displays all her anger for everything and anything directly at me. i am her scapegoat for everything, she has blamed me for the breakdown in hers and her mothers relationship even though it was my step daughter who told her mother she was a horrible mom and that she didnt want the stress of having her in her life. whenever anything is misplaced, i "stole" it... she is 14 and we were once so close but then mom up and moved 8 hours away with a boyfriend and her two younger children from that boyfriend and my house has been hell ever since. disrespect, blatant disregard for rules, aggression and malice towards my two younger children from her father, stealing my possessions, lying, being sneaky etc... weve had her in to see many counselors and she just tells them what they want to hear and they send her packing saying it is all normal... my mother in law cant stand me, she babysat my steo daughter from 4 months old until i went on maternity leave (when i started watching her because it seemed ridiculous for us to ship my step daughter out to her granparents if i was home all day) anyways it was eventually determined that granma hates me because she thinks i stole their time together. she speaks french and blames me for the step daughter loosing her french (bio mom had her half the time and didnt speak french and also had her in english daycare while she was in her care...and we had my step daughter in a full french pre school so no it was not my fault) she caters to my step daughter like she can do no wrong, she pays special attention to my stepdaughter and favors her over our other two children which seems weird to me because they are all her blood. she even argued with me one time that she needed to favor her because she is from a broken home and now has less love because her mom doesnt love her anymore (i tried to explain that mom loves her but just doesnt choose appropriate ways to show her) she said i was wrong and that the child told grand ma that "mommy doesnt love me" and kids dont lie about things like that... uh its lying and manipulation 101... anyways.. mom is outta the picture, refuses to pay child support but now all of a sudden she moved back to our home town and wants to visit with the kid... bull shit... i get so mad because i have to support this kid when mom screws off to live her life without her, i have to go through all the bad stuff. im supossed to be a friend and confidante, and supporter of dad's decisions... i wish so bad that bio mom had a taste of what it is like here for me. what it is like for her kid!! being a step mom to a brokken kid who doesnt want to stand up and make her life better for herself is hard. i watch this kid as she spins viciously into a black hole... i can relate to her too, i am not from a broken home but i was abused by a step parent, and i did my fair share of trying to destroy myself and it breaks my heart to watch her in her state of mind like she is worth nothing, it kills me to see that this kid doesnt love herself enough to say im worth it. im a good person, i can make good choices... everyday is hard to love someone who refuses to love themself... its been said that in order to have true love you need to love yourself, in order to love someone fully, you have to love yourself... i pray one day she sees how great she is and how great she can be, i pray that she sees she can turn her "story" into something great instead of feeling broken and worthless...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 11:22am

Courtny, how can the mom just "refuse" to pay child support?  Is there a court order?  Why isn't your DH enforcing it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-13-2014 - 11:30am

Ruby, I do agree that it is hard raising someone else's kids and that the media portrays it as if everything is going to be like the Brady Bunch.  I got married for the 2nd time to a man who had a 12 yr old DD--at that time, my DD was 13 and my son was 6.  First of all, my DD hated my DSD--they were really different to say the least.  I felt bad because my DSD's mom had died when she was 3 and her father was difficult--I got divorced after 5 yrs but I probably stayed longer because I just felt bad leaving the 2 of them together--finally in her senior yr of high school she moved out to live w/ maternal grandmother.  She just caused so many problems--my kids were angels compared to her.  Like the worst thing they did was maybe leave their stuff lying around and my DH would act like that was the worst thing ever--meanwhile my DSD was skipping school, failing her classes, stealing money from us (I actually had to take my purse into the bedroom at night cause I couldn't trust her), lying all the time--I know she really had issued that were not resolved, but it was not easy.  I never really felt affecton for her because I couldn't relate to her--she never talked to me when we were alone.  Nevertheless, I treated her nicely all the time, took her to buy clothes, drove her places, etc.  Actually a couple of years after my ex & I got divorced, she sent me a letter apologizing for all the trouble she caused and saying that I was the only one who would stand up to her father on her behalf.  But I have to say that now that my kids are grown and I'm single again, I would never date a guy who had younger kids!  I just think it's very difficult.  However, I'd say that my kids' relationship w/ their SM is good--but first of all, I never caused any problems with her, my ex & I get along well, so there is no fighting to deal with and she didn't try to raise my kids.  My ex has been out of state for 3 weeks now and my 18 yr old son even went to see his SM a couple of times while his dad has been out of town.  so it is possible for it to work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Tue, 02-18-2014 - 10:11am

I HATE BEING A STEPMOM.  it's been the worst experience of my life.  I've been one for 30 years and all was well at first.  But after we moved to Michigan, the BioMom moved to Washington State, my husband let his daughters go visit their mom and they lied to her & told her I abused them so that they could stay with her.  We didn't know that, my husband asked the kids when they were coming back & they cried they wanted to stay with their mom, boo-hoo!!  He was heart-broken and talked to their mom, but all she could do was attack me verbally and start calling me 'nigger' 'whore' 'cunt' whatever her filthy mouth could think of.  He let me listen in on the converstaion at first and then she started in on me.  I was totally shocked.  It was like, "Why is it my fault?"  Yeah I know they're just words, but it totally shocked me that she could attack me & I didn't understand.  I hung in there thinking things would get better, but they never have.  This whole Stepfamily has gotten sicker, and I will never care again.  Now I hear the BioMom is ill with diabetes & has to wear an oxygen mask and and the daughers have called their dad crying that their mom may not last much longer.  but still the Bio-Mom taught her daughters to hate and so they have to please the Bio-Mom on her dying bed and continue with her hate campaign.  I tell everyone I meet, "don't become a Stepmom, get out while you can."  If you don't understand why things are the way they are, don't hang around thinking they'll get better, they won't.  Save yourself years of heartache, get out now while you're young.  If you stay in this relationship, there'll always be something that you will be blamed for, expect it, don't ever be shocked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 02-22-2014 - 4:40am

I am new to this. And HATE IT already. My fiances son is 8, and his mom has been a single mother for most of his life. (Fiance had to move out of state to get a good job) and so the kid gets away with whining and just being a brat to get his way. He's a good kid besides that, but she is raising him to be a baby and it irritates the hell out of me. (My SO isn't thrilled either) But maybe the worst part is his parents. They are always there when we are with his son, so of course, they give their opinions on how to raise him, and basically tell me to stay out of it. I cant stand it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 12:27pm

Excellent advice!  Although I was fortunate enough to be married to my ex basically the entire time our children were growing up and dh's were almost all grown by the time we met, it has still been an ongoing argument between me and dh regarding our GROWN children (although the younger 2 still require help from time to time - 21 and 22).  Anyway, I cannot IMAGINE raising someone else's children and having no say as I've had when it comes to SS21.  I'd tell anyone to RUN if they met someone with kids, although in this day and age, good luck meeting someone over 35 who doesn't.  UGH  I have a DD30 who is single and I get thinking she most likely will end up being a stepmother if she meets someone and marries at this point.  YUCK  My dh and I have 7 adult children between us and they've interferred so much in our marital happiness, I cannot EVEN imagine raising someone else's kids and having them fully in our lives.  One thing I have learned being both a BM and SM (although I don't feel like like a SM...just "dad's new wife"), is this...you just don't have the unconditional love for your skids that you do your own.  It would be unnatural if you did.  You can like them, even come to love them over time, but to forgive their bad behavior just doesn't come near as easily as it does to your own.  THIS I have learned.