wicked SM

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
wicked SM
7
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 10:31pm
So I feel a wicked stepmother moment coming on. I thought maybe somebody here could offer encouragement .....either to avoid it...or do it BIG...lol.

BM called DH yesterday because she wanted to drop something off for SD (not all the kids, just SD). Turns out it was a bag of cookies. She used to do this kind of thing all the time when I first married DH. I finally asked him to ask her to stop as it was almost every day we had the kids (50/50) and it did stop for a long time but for last couple of months she has been dropping off things, asking us to send kids to care for her pets on our time, scheduling haircuts, etc on our time. She has daily contact via phone when kids are here and we accomodate BM "events" that fall on DH's time with them but I find the "drop by" and scheduling on our time intrusive. Not only that, how are the rest of the kids (hers and mine) to feel when only one gets a treat?! I am so tempted to throw the cookies away or not allow them to be eaten and send them back unopened.

Ok, I am done ranting about the small stuff.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
In reply to: honnee09
Tue, 09-25-2012 - 1:44pm
DH and BM do accomodate each other for important events (family get togethers for special events like holiday/birthdays/reunions etc...) but DH doesn't intrude on their time with BM and wants BM to respect his time with them as well. DH would tolerate occasional intrusions but honestly, I don't want to have to have her "present" in my home because she is not respectful to me...or as in this case, to all the kids. I get the feeling she is bound and determined to direct DH and my life because they are HER kids and not to allow me to feel like I am a parent to her kids and feels like making eye contact, saying hello, or conversing with me keeps me "in my place". Of course, I AM a parent to them. I DO have say so...via DH. I DO love them. I DO all the things with and for them that I do with my own kids. If she deigned to talk to me though, she'd find I respect SHE is their MOTHER. I tell her kids to ask and respect her when appropriate. I never ask to do things a mother/she usually does...like shop for prom dress or meet with teachers. So, I guess I am saying, I may me more accomodating if she were more respectful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
In reply to: honnee09
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 5:57pm

This happens in our house too, with some exceptions.

If SD gets candies/cookies sent to her from her mother, she is very gracious and she shares.    I suppose if she didn't share the treat, it would be kept up on a shelf in a bag and would go back to her mother's home with her.

If SD gets to go out somewhere special with her mom, her mother is completely entitled to do that.  I just explain to my kids that SD goes to special places with her mom, jsut like they go to special places with me.  DH never withholds the kids from BM even on his time and vice versa.

 If BM's calling and scheduling is excessive, your DH is completely in the right to say "no, sorry, can't do it".

Avatar for Cmmelissa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: Cmmelissa
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 3:32pm
That is just very odd, it sounds like she's trying to start something. Do you think she's worried that she'll lose her bond with her daughter if she doesn't have that contact? It's just sad that she seems to favor her over the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2011
In reply to: honnee09
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 6:00pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2009
In reply to: honnee09
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 11:45am
I really don't think BM cares if the cookies are shared. But the rest of het kids don't care for them and I feel the other kids feel SD gets special treatment in cases like this. Funny thing is after looking, the bag was half empty...not as if she found this item and wanted to gift then ASAP. It is almost ad if she is saying we don't provide for kids or just a way for her to be "present" in our home. Interesting enough, SD (14) has not asked for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: honnee09
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 10:08pm

I agree that your DH needs to tell her that she shouldn't drop things off unless it's a real emergency item (forgotten medication or something for school).  Certainly the DD could wait until she got home to eat cookies!  That's nutty.  If it was a bag of cookies, I would certainly open it and give it to everyone and if DD and/or BM said anything, I'd say that we don't have food that is just for one person in your house--we share things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2011
In reply to: honnee09
Mon, 09-17-2012 - 4:55pm

It sounds like your husband needs to have another talk with her about boundaries and that she needs to knock this crap off!  I can't believe that she would just bring over a treat for one of the kids, that's pretty rude.  I would open up the bags and hand them out to everyone, regardless of her wishes.  If she doesn't like it, than you can send them back to her unopened the next time.  You are being the wicked SM at all, she's crossing boundaries.  Good luck!