at wits end HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2013
at wits end HELP!!
2
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 9:36pm

Ok, I am just gonna lay it all out there. I dated my husband for a year before we got married. We have been married for 6 months and it hasn't been going very well. We argue every single day. Every single day it is something else. He wasn't like this before we got married and neither was I. I knew he had children when I started dating him although they lived with their mother. They came to live with us just before we got married. I thought I was prepared and ready. I wasn't. It has been hard for me to adjust as I haven't really been around children in a long time. I was expected to just jump right in. I feel like a servant more than a wife. I work full time and I do every thing at home. God forbid if I ask him to help me. My husband and I are barely intimate (like once a month). I can't talk to him about anything as he wants me to do but it gets thrown back into my face. He doesn't support anything I do and makes fun of it. I am to the point where I get defensive about anything remotely critical he says. i am happier when i am at work. i loathe going home. am i horrible for disliking his children? I don't know. we are christians and divorce isn't an option for us but neither is living this way. i love my husband very much.  don't have anyone i can talk too. if anyone can give me some advice, i would greatly appreciate it critical too. :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 10:24am

HI NN,

 

I hear you;it's very frustrating! I felt like my dh married me because he needed a "mommy", not that He wanted a partner in life!

That being said, please go backwards a bit, sit down, and have a conversation about Expectations. I think He thinks you wanted to step in and Be the caretaker/mommy/cook, etc. I didn't want that role, either, my kids were almost grown, and also, Much more mature and self reliant, than his kids.And, that's Not how he treated me, Before we married. You might need to go to a marriage counselor to get through this conversation. It's possible that he will deflect with anger, and you might not get anywhere, if you don't have someone to "mediate" this conversation.

Let me also say that his kids HAVE 2 parents, so they should be fine. What the birth parents can't or Won't do, does NOT fall to you. ie, if the mom is too lazy, or has plans, and can't get a child to a game or birthday party, and the Other parent cannot step in to make it happen, it does Not just fall to you. Now,if you Want to take them, that is fine, but I found instead of it being Appreciated, it became Expected, and my dh was actually Mad, if I wouldn't accomodate him and his kids, while his ex sat on her duff.

Ask yourself what he did Before you came into the picture? Did he cook for and taxi the kids? Then why should it change now? I had said many times, before we married, that I was no longer i Mommy Mode; no helping with homework, taxi driver, cook, but that fell on deaf ears, and there was a lot of anger and resentment from my husband, which wrecked our se* life, too. I had been Clear about my intent, so I didn't get why he was angry. He was upset because he felt I Should be the 3rd parent; meaning he Wanted me to be, so he didn't respect what I'd told him,and chose not to 'hear' it. Again, not good for a marriage.

So, get a glass of wine when the kids are not there. Sit on the patio, and come to your dh with a calm, reasonable tone (write notes if you have to, to stay on subject), and explain what you expected, and what you can and cannot do, at this point.

 

I don't get why these men are looking for "mommy #2" for their kids, I never looked for a man to do MY job as a parent!

How old are his kids?

Hope this helps, hugs to you!

cc,

PJ7

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 5:01pm

Was there any discussion about his kids coming to live with you or did they just show up one day?  Was there any discussion before you got married about exactly what your role would be in taking care of them?  When you say you hadn't been around children in a long time, is that because you have grown children or were you talking about your siblings or some other situation?

My 2nd marriage was to a man who was a widower & had a child who was in between the ages of my kids--we both worked full time.  I didn't really notice extra work that much since I had to do things like cook for my kids anyway and it really didn't bother me that much to have to drive my DSD around--now her behavior caused a lot of problems, but that was a different story.  He also did things for my kids, like when he was out of work due to an injury & my DD had to go to physical therapy, he was the one who drove her.

So you have multiple issues here--it's not just the extra work, it's that he doesn't want intimacy and makes fun of you.  I have to say that I think you should leave him.  A friend of mine was in a similar situation--she married a widower w/ a young DD (they got married pretty fast but they had known each other before dating).  her kids were older.  He put on a good show before marriage but after the marriage, he didn't want intimacy & it was clear that he just wanted someone to help out w/ his DD--she ended up divorcing him and is much happier--he quickly moved on to another woman/victim.  I do think you should go to counseling and talk to your pastor.  I know that people shouldn't just get divorced over nothing, but if you are both Christians, then you should also think that the way he is treating you isn't very Christian like either--God didn't say for a man to make fun of his wife, to be unsupportive and not to help around the house.  I don't think God wants you to be miserable for the rest of your life either.