Would you still spend time w/ ur stepkid

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2010
Would you still spend time w/ ur stepkid
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 4:35pm

Hi everyone. I'm new here, so sorry if I posted this to the wrong board. Also, i'm not familiar with the abbreviations used on here, so please bear with me.

I was wondering, if you and ur s/o were to divorce, would you still spend time with ur ex-stepkids? My mom was married to a man from the time I was 4 until I was 24. Around the time they divorced, I had a baby. He came to the hospital to see the baby, and then sent a "Happy Mother's Day" text about 6 months later, but i never heard from him again. I am now 26, and I can say that even though I never really bonded with this man, it does hurt a little that someone who i grew up in the same household with doesn't speak to me anymore since he's not with my mother. And I'm an adult, so its not like he'd have to contact my mother in order to contact me.

On the other hand, my mom spends an extensive amount of time with his kids (her ex-stepkids). She texts/ talks to them regularly, drives 4 hours to pick them up and visit her for weeks on end, requests that they spend Christmas with her, goes out of her way to see them on their birthdays, etc. My mom is in a new relationship, but she still talks regularly to her ex in order to see his kids. However, i suspect that he will soon get tired of her coming around, because he is also in a new relationship, and his gf has a problem with my mom still being a part of the picture. Also, the new gf has a child, so they probably want to create their own new blended family. Both my mom and the kids would be extremely hurt.

I was wondering, which is appropriate? Cutting off the s/kids because you are no longer married to their parent? Or spending just as much time w/ them even though things have changed? Which is more detrimental to them?

*Edit* Ok, maybe I should have posted this under stepfamilies & divorce...sorry!

Edited 3/6/2010 4:46 pm ET by mom_faith08
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 10:04pm

My answer is no. A strong, unbending no. I 'stepped' from them this winter and for the rest of my life, I hope to have NOTHING to do with my SSs. They're toxic. In my life, anyway.

And, because I stepped, they no longer speak to their Dad, either. I'll be blunt and say that I'm really enjoying the peace and quiet. Of course, one is 18 and the other turned 20 last week, so it's a bit different for me, I guess.

I gave it my all. I honestly did. I tried, I raised them, I sacrificed for them...and they took and took and stabbed me in the back. I feel no guilt for walking away.

I'm sorry you're hurt about your ex step Dad. You CAN pick up the phone if YOU wanted to...you know that, right? I think once skids get old enough, they are equally responsible for keeping up a relationship if they so choose. I think it's nice that your Mom has stayed in their lives. It works for her and it works for them. Nothing else matters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 2:05pm

I would stay in touch with my s-kids but they've been in my life for the last 14 years and have also lived with us (still are in fact) for the last 6.

If i had a SP that had been good to me then yes i would like to stay in touch with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2010
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 8:03pm

It depends on the circumstances.

You are an adult, and you grew up with your SF(Step father), so you can remain friends with that man if it's your choice to do so.
Same if anyone skids are adults, and choose to continue having a relationship with an ex-SP.

If you are still 'friends' with your ex then it's up to them to decide, given that you are still willing AND taking into account what kind of relationship you have with your skids.

If the kids are young and you separated on bad footing then no, I wouldn't advise it. That'll just create more problems.

If new partners come into the picture then I wouldn't advise it either. But like I said, if your skids are adults, new partners wouldn't really come into the picture, anyway.

If your mother wants to see the kids, I suppose you could offer to take them on a day out and she could meet you. The gf has no say on the kids either way, it's up to the father. But at least that way she wouldn't have to run into her. But with a new baby in the picture I really don't know, it sounds complicated. Your best bet is for your mother to take a step back, TBH.

My significant other still sees his ex-SF. But that's only because his ex-SF became my brother-in-law after that split and the father of my niece. My niece and DSD are blended family 'cousins' now. Funny how things change :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 10:57am
Honestly, if it were me in that situation I don't know what I'd do. Depends on how big of a part of s/kids lives you are. I mean that guy should still want to keep in contact with you, I mean 20 years and he just disappears? My step dad is still in my life to this day, and he and my mom separated like 6 years ago. So, like I said if it were me in that situation, I don't know what I'd do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 3:34pm


To answer your question, yes, I would spend time with my stepkids - they would want me to and DH and I have discussed this in the past and he would want me to also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:36pm

I would definitely have a relationship with my ss.

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