Hi! New here and have a question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Hi! New here and have a question.
13
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 4:44pm

Hi everyone! My name is Becky and I had my first son on February 21st.


 

 




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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-1999
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 6:37pm
Finances played a big part in making the decision for us. We had tried for a couple years to get pregnant but didn't want any medical intervention. We had just decided to adopt when we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy. Right away, I said I wanted another but got an IUD to make sure they weren't too close together. Then, we got flooded twice and, finally, the economy took a hit and so did our income. We haven't had to compromise the way we live and we're pretty happy with how convenient it is just to have one. I really didn't enjoy the 1st 6 months of motherhood and have no desire to repeat the experience. So, it all, a lot of factors added up to the best decision we've made so far.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 7:04pm

First off, I'm a happy only (not my parents' choice; they lost 3 at 5, 7 and 8 months along). DH is 3rd of 8 and had 2 serious heart attacks before I knew him and he didn't want to saddle me with more than one if anything happened. He lost his dad when he was 54; often worked 3 jobs to keep the 8 fed/clothed, etc. I was fine with 1 or 2; dh wanted 0 or 1, so 1 it was. DS turned 18 yesterday and I don't think he's unhappy as an only; he has some great friends, was in g/t in grade and MS, and did well enough in HS to make it into the college he wanted (moves in next week). His only complaint is that as he got older he would've preferred we didn't just concentrate on him vs. having other kids to spend time with/bother(!). For me, my biggest complaint is I never had anyone to share chores (or blame!) with; it was all on me. But those are very petty in the big picture. So honestly we have no regrets.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Tue, 08-10-2010 - 7:48pm

Welcome to the board!! I'm Mel (28) and my DH is 34 and we live in Wisconsin with our 3.5 year old son Gabriel.

I have an only by choice which I know isn't the case for everyone here.

I was never one of those girls who played house and dreamed of being a mommy when I was little. When I met DH I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to have any kids actually. Thankfully he told me he loved me more than any potential people.

It did take us 1 1/2 years to get pregnant when we did decide to TTC.

For me mostly it comes down to the fact that I FEEL done. Some people feel done after 2, or 12, and I feel done after 1. I am happier with one than I was without him :D BUT I still get to be ME. I have time to spend with my DH, we can still date each other after 8 1/2 years of marriage, we have more time and money to do things than if we had more kids. All of my resources are focused on ONE person (and I don't just mean money).

I love being a mommy but I love being me too. I love being a wife too. I didn't want to lose those things if I had more children and I knew I would.

Sitting on the couch though I feel like this is my perfect family. I got the Mirena IUD at my 6 week check up and I've had it 3.5 years now. I'll be keeping it when DH gets snipped early next year. We chose it because it gave us 5 years to be SURE we were REALLY done. We're done and happy :D




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 6:04am

Hi


My DD is exactly ten years minus 2 days older than your DS!


I started everything late.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 8:16am

Being an only and having an only, I'd say Victoria is just more social; I don't think her love of activities has to do with being an only.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2009
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 11:31am

Thank you all for your responses.


 

 




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 12:48pm

Hi there! Don't feel bad. A lot of people come to the board with that question and obviously we don't mind answering. :-)

My son is 11 and he is our only by choice. My dh is an Only, too, and has no problems or concerns about it. One thing I've learned by being married to an Only is that it really is no big deal, and it's just one very, very small part of what makes a person who they are. We've been together for 19 years and I can honestly say that I've never looked at any aspect of him and thought "Oh well, that's because he's an only child." It just never comes up. I think that's worth mentioning, because when kids are young people seem to want to assign "blame" to the Only status and it can start to feel like being an Only will shape EVERYTHING in their life. Like "Oh, he doesn't share because he's an Only." Or maybe it's because he's 2 years old! Or "Oh, she is involved in everything because she's an Only." Or maybe it's just her personality! ;-) (I have a brother who is 11 years older than me, so basically my mom raised two Onlies.)

So anyway....my dh always wanted one child. I used to think I wanted two, but I changed my mind. I did go back and forth for a while when my ds was younger, sometimes thinking I wanted another. What I finally realized was that the feelings of wanting another never lasted. I realized that if I *really* wanted another one those feelings wouldn't go away. That's when I knew that I just felt "done". It didn't feel like anyone was "missing" from our family. We love our family of 3 just the way we are. :-)

One of my favorite things about having one is that it's just easier. I see people with multiple kids and I honestly just don't know how they do it. My ds is involved in a lot of activities (sports, music lessons, band, etc) and it seems the older he gets the busier we get. I know that there are parents of more than one that are way busier than we are and can handle all the running in 8 different directions, etc....but I am not one of them. I am much happier and calmer with one. I also like that we can manage all his activities and still have some time for myself and for dh and I as a couple.

Oh! Another thing...(sorry, I just keep thinking of more things, LOL) My son has never asked for a sibling. Once when he was 4 or 5 he said "What if you have another baby?" I said that wasn't going to happen because daddy and I weren't going to have any more babies. His answer was "Good!" And that was that! He is extremely sociable and makes friends very easily. Whatever setting he's in, he makes a friend. :-) He doesn't seem to mind being an Only at all.

Feel free to join us here anytime! If you have other questions, don't hesitate to ask, or just jump in anywhere. :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Wed, 08-11-2010 - 4:51pm

I still don't go gaga over babies. I tease people that DH's ovaries must ache sometimes because he DOES (LOL) He's the baby whisperer though all babies love him. He says he's happy to spend time and send them home to someone else to get up in the middle of the night ;)

I occasionally do think about being pregnant again. I think it's biological because while I think about the pregnancy part I DO NOT want to RAISE another child.

I think we've all come by our onlies in different ways but I think most of us really are happy and okay with it, even if it takes awhile to get there.

The good news is you don't have to decide today. So take the time to just not think about it and decide when you and your DH will talk again. We always knew that if we didn't have another by the time DS was 5 we wouldn't, it was our personal cut off. We've decided sooner than that but it was nice to know that there was no real pressure til DS was 5.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:29am
Yes, Sue I think it is definitely just her personality.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:58am

Not sure it'll help but what worked for M@ on that when he was younger was reading together after dinner/homework

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