I feel stuck...intro

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
I feel stuck...intro
38
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:45pm

Hi, ladies.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here but I wanted to put myself out here as a way to start my healing process (allow me to explain.)

My name is Michelle and I am the co-cl of Trying to Conceive After Miscarriage.

We have been TTC our second for almost 5 years. I am 29 and DH is 38 and we’ve been married for almost 8 years. We have a 7 yr old DD that was very much planned and conceived in three short months. She is my whole world and I would be a shell of a woman without her in my life.

We have spent close to $20K on fertility treatment with no success. We did get pregnant twice last year but lost both of those pg’s very early on. It was easily the worst time of my life.

I am on the brink of falling into a pretty good depression over not being able to get and stay pg. I can feel it coming on. I have made an appt with a therapist to help me on my journey to accepting that I will only have one child as I don’t think this is ever going to happen for me.

As the years go by, I have started to wonder to myself, what exactly my reasoning is that I want another child so badly. The answer is, I’m not sure.

My daughter is as close to being a perfect child as a kid can get. She is beautiful, excels in school and sports, has tons of friends and is very well rounded. She does however ask me a lot when I am going to bring her home a brother or sister. She does want one so badly but I think it’s more because all her friends have one. She honestly doesn’t know a single kid that doesn’t have a sibling. I hope that’s why anyway because if she really does want one for other reasons then that means I am letting her down also – in addition to myself that is.

I always envisioned my family with two children. I don’t even know why, I just never considered we wouldn’t be given a choice in the matter.

I guess the point of all this ranting is that I WANTTTTTT to be happy with my Only and I am trying to make efforts to get there and be content with my little family of three.

Thanks for listening :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:47pm
Ugh my macro AND my siggy came up. So sorry!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2002
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 6:21am

Hi Michelle

Your daughter looks gorgeous!

I'm sorry it is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 8:46am
Hi, Moss :)

Thank you so much for your reply. First of all, I am SOOOO sorry about the loss of your little boy. I am very good friends with another woman on this board who lost her son at 35 weeks. Do you post to the stillbirth board at all? Her name is Torie (stillpraying4baby).

Anyway, you hit the nail on the head. The time during which you are deciding to have more children does seem like the hardest. I guess that is why I titled my post “I feel stuck”. What you said about how your daughter wants a sibling the same way she wants an iPhone also hit home with me. My DD asks for it in the same way. She doesn’t even ask very often and when she does ask, I tell her that I’m trying and that it may not happen, she kinda shrugs and walks away. It doesn’t seem to be plaguing her thoughts or anything kwim?

My DH is happy no matter what. He would be thrilled to have another but it wouldn’t be any sweat of his back to have DD be our only child. In fact, I am pretty sure if I told him I didn’t want to TTC anymore and that we were going to be parents of an only child – he’d be extremely relieved. You can imagine how hard it must be for him to watch me torture myself the way I have been. Constant crying, dr’s appts, injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork – it’s got to be very hard to watch (although not nearly as hard to endure!).
The fact of the matter is, I HAVE to bring myself to a point where I am happy with an only child as I’m not really being given a choice in the matter. I’m hoping that starting therapy will help me to get there and might make me realize I don’t want a second child for the right reasons as I said, I’m not always sure I know what those reasons are. I worry that it’s something I want only because I can’t seem to have it and I’m obsessing over it now.

I have one more treatment cycle left at the fertility dr and then I’m done. That is a big step for me as fertility treatment has been a big part of my life for a few years now and it feels like the beginning of my giving up and I guess it is.

Well, I hope you all don’t mind that I post here occasionally as I work my way through all this.

Thanks again for listening.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 9:03am
Your dd is gorgeous! Just wanted to let you know that most of the people here apparently converse via a FB page (I'm not much into FB) so you may not get much response here any more.

I'm an only, and also have an only ds18 by choice. My parents lost 3, at 5,7 and 8 months along, gave up for years and years, and got gently convinced into trying again - I was born when my mom was 35 and they had no interest in pushing their luck. I have never had any issues being an only; I don't know any different! DH is 3rd of 8 and his dad passed young so dh decided since he has some medical issues so he wanted 0 or 1; I wanted 1 or 2. Since I had no issues with being 1, that was fine with me. I have no regrets with an only and I think ds doesn't mind.

The hardest thing I've faced is the loss of my parents since I was 300 miles away and they passed unexpectedly 19 days apart. But I have a great support system in my dh's family so we just made it through (not quite done with the house sale though!). So really being an only does not mean that you are totally dependent on your immediate family once you're an adult - don't get me wrong; I was VERY close to my parents, even 300 miles away, but I also have some great friends and in-laws and even some cousins I still email with.

I wish you peace with your decision - kids are only young once (mine's now off at college) so enjoy while you can! Take care.

Sue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 9:15am

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 10:10am

Suzy, I think you’re right. They would be so far apart in age that although I know *I* would be okay with it, DD would be in for a shock. She imagines a playmate and that is NOT what the new baby would be. It would cry and take attention away from her and break her things etc. I think it would be a real wake up call for her. She wants something she can’t have – even if I were to get pg today.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 11:09am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 11:19am
Thanks, Amy. I do feel like sometimes I take DD for granted and I am really going to make an effort from here forward to start remembering what I DO have instead of what I DON'T have.

I mentioned that I am a co-cl over at TTCAM and I also post semi-regularly on a few of the other boards here. I know there are other women like me that would love to know this board exists. I will post a link on some of them and maybe the board will pick up some and if not, hey that's okay too.

I found some comfort here over the last few days. Feeling like less of an outcase and more like maybe life as a family of three is not the end of the world and I know others could gain some comfort too.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2001
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 1:27pm

Thanks Michelle, for spreading the word about our board.

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Thu, 03-03-2011 - 3:39pm
Horrible thing to consider, but if that was what your family life was like, would you have been expected to 'parent' or babysit any other siblings your parents might have had?! Maybe being an only wasn't so bad in that case...

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