It's been a long time...

Avatar for ivlolo29
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
It's been a long time...
9
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 5:11pm

I know I have posted about this in the past and so now here I am again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2009
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 6:21pm

I think this would be a tough situation. You each want something different. And, unfortunately, there really is no way to compromise on something like this. I realize this is something huge, but how do you work out other situations where you each want something different?

Also, you said you talked about it before you were married. Obviously, you were holding onto the fact that he said "maybe" two... however, he did only say maybe. You say you didn't choose this, your husband did. However, if you did indeed talk about it before you were married and he said "maybe" and you married him, then you knew and basically accepted the maybe. I can't imagine that just going ahead and having another one would make him change the way he feels. He may resent you and he may resent the child.

As for whether or not this is fair to you, as I said above, it seems as if you accepted his feeling on this when you decided to marry him. It sounds like you were in a bit of denial and holding onto the fact that "maybe" would eventually mean "yes" he would want two kids. I understand that it's difficult for you; wanting another and not being able to have one for whatever reason is painful and I'm not sure if that feeling ever goes away.

Good luck!

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Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 7:09pm

You both talk about a boy. What if it's a girl? Would that then be a disappointment? Would you then try again to try to have a boy? Do you really want another or is part of that urge because dh doesn't? I'd say you guys really need to do major talking to each other so the marriage and family strengthen, not weaken by this.

All I can tell you is I'm happy being an only (I'm 51), ds18 has had no issues being an only (very social, happy away on his own at college now) - so don't feel like your dd would feel a loss without a sibling - she won't know any different like ds and I don't.

Good luck with your decision...
Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 7:09pm

In our house we use the two yes and one no rule. Any major decision requires us both to say yes to it. If we don't then it doesn't happen.

When DH and I got serious dating I told him I wasn't sure I wanted ANY kids. He told me that he loved me more than any potential people that didn't exist. I'm glad for that :D

We did decide to have our son Gabe, and it took a year and a half to get pregnant too. Now that we have him *I* know I'm done. Would DH like another one? Probably but it would not make us happier, and it would make ME miserable. So for the family we already have that is here we make the best choices we can for them RIGHT NOW.

If it's something you feel like you need to talk with your DH about then do but do NOT pressure him into agreeing to another child. In the end he would likely resent you and the child for it and that will make for an unhappy home for two children and both adults.

Sometimes we have to let dreams go, any dream. So it's something you have to decide if you're willing to let it go, if you can't then what are your options? Divorce your husband to find someone who will have another child with you? If you can't do that then you have to find a way to be happy with the life you have, not the life you dream about. (HUGS)




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Britax


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 8:35am

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-1999
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 10:49am

I'm sorry you and your husband aren't in the same place. It also stinks that your family and friends are putting pressure on you. I have to say I agree with everything the other girls have said. I can't deny sometimes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 12:18pm

(((Hugs))) I know what it is like to want another child and not to be able to have one. Whatever the reason, it hurts, and it makes you angry and frustrated and sad. My ds is also 6, and I

Avatar for ivlolo29
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Thu, 09-02-2010 - 1:53pm
Thank you to everyone who responded.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 9:27am

You've already gotten a lot of good advice, and I just have this to add. Of course it's not easy to give up on something you really want, but sometimes once you admit to yourself that it might not be fair but it's not going to happen, it is easier to move on.

Please know that I'm not at all saying that you are wrong to feel the way you do, or that it should be easy to just stop wanting another child. But I do believe that you can choose how to go on from here. I believe you can choose to change your focus and move on. I really do agree with Stacy that by focusing this much on the child you don't have that you are missing out on the one you do have, and that if you never have another one you will look back at some point and regret all the time you spent obsessing about it. I hope that doesn't sound harsh because I truly do not mean it that way.

I suggest talking to your husband about this, a lot. If you need to safely talk through your feelings of anger and resentment in order to let it go, I would suggest counseling of some sort. As for the RUDE comments from other people, I'd suggest coming up with a standard reply and get used to repeating it! Depending on who it is, the reply can be polite or "sharp" enough to shut them up and fast. I personally have very little tolerance for that kind of rudeness/nosiness so mine was usually on the sharper side. There's a big difference between someone *asking* if you plan to have more kids and someone *telling* you that you will, or telling you that you HAVE TO. You don't need that right now.

(((Hugs)) to you! Please stick around and let us know how things are going for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-1999
Fri, 09-03-2010 - 10:40am
I forgot to mention I don't ever want to do the tiny baby stage either so I totally get your DH on that one.
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