New here but need Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
New here but need Help!
Mon, 10-20-2008 - 10:00pm

Okay so let me give you a lil info. I have a great 8 year old son (okay he will be 9 in 3 days *Sniffle*). He was diagnosed with Aasperger's syndrome a high functioning form of Autism about 2 years ago. He was an only child until May of 07 when we were finally able to carry a child to full term our son Ashton.

Well the first few years of school were hard he didn't adapt well and the first school we had him in treated him horribly. I asked for help trying to see why he was having so many problems but I was told "He is retarded and there is nothing you can do". This made me furious he had a speech problem so therefor you are going to discriminate?!?!?!

Finally I did my homework and found him a GREAT school where they helped me get help for him and get his diagnosis. Still he struggled at this school and I won't deny that I protected him and smothered him with attention because I didn't want him to feel like there was anything wrong with him.

This current school year he has been EXCELLENT at school... But now at home he is angry allot and throws fits even going to far and to throw his body around and scream at me. When I tell him to do something he tells me he doesn't want to. So when I tell him he has no choice he throws a HUGE tantrum. I am currently 5 mo preg and he uses that against me by going limp so I can't get him into his room or time out.

I am at my whits end. He has begun telling me he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me and I can't handle it. It is tearing me up inside and I don't know what to do.

I know he is going into the age where they want to be seen as adults but I am having a hard time coping and don't like DH's heavy handed approach. Any advice is greatly needed and appreciated.


Happily Married for 12
Avatar for bradleyteach
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2001
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 5:35pm

Hugs, I'm sorry that you're having a tough time with your son.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:58pm

Hi Lizze. Welcome to the board.

Happy Birthday to Andrew!

8 and 9 are tough even without a disability like Aasperger's. You get the attitudes. The falling apart over simple things. One minute acting like a mini adult and the next playing in the sand box or racing cars around. I think something like Aasperger's is just going to magnify those emotions and mood swings.

I would definitely talk to the school psychologist and find some resources to help you out at home. {{hugs}}

dawn190708.jpg picture by cariadlawn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 3:02pm

Thank you! We just had his birthday party on Sun and he was so good and on his best behavior! I know he is trying but latley. I think I figured out that he is upset because he feels we don't treat him old enough. He asked me last night why he doesn't have his own house key or a cell phone. So I think I need to stop smothering him and let him be a little more independent.

But again thank you sooooo much for the support!



Happily Married for 12
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 1:35am

Two of my kids also have Asperger's Syndrome. There is a great board here at iVillage for "PDD & Asperger's." There are some very experienced moms there who have given me tons of helpful advice over the past couple of years. There's also a "Special Education Plans" board where they might be able to help you figure out whether there are better services your ds ought to be getting at school to help him.

The fact that your ds is behaving excellently at school but not at home doesn't necessarily mean anything. My kids are well behaved at school even if they're having a bad day. They just hold in their stress and let it all out at home. If they have a bad day at school, their behavior is extra horrific at home. My kids can rarely tell me "I had a bad day at school," cuz they don't consciously internalize that, but sometimes I'll later find out that they had a substitute teacher, so their school routine was thrown off, or something like that.

For my 13yo dd, even just buying her new clothes can send her into a rage 'cus she wasn't expecting new clothes. It takes her a day or two to adjust to the idea of new clothes, and then she comes to terms with the concept, likes her clothes, and is pleasant. It can take a bit of figuring out WHY our kids have their meltdowns, but there's ALWAYS a reason, even if we can't figure it out, whether it's physical (illness, reaction to foods, etc) or emotional (someone bullied them, change in routine, etc).

A book you may want to look into is "The Explosive Child," by Dr Ross Greene. I thought it had some good tips for dealing with my kids' behavior issues. (I've been thinking lately that I need to check it out of the library again!)

Does your ds know about his diagnosis? If he doesn't, you may want to consider telling him. He is probably recognizing some differences between himself and other children his age. Most children feel better when they realize there's a REASON they're different. There's a wonderful book called "All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome," by Kathy Hoopmann. I think this book is great for introducing Asperger's to children. My kids LOVED it. It's also good for sharing with a school class to educate them if needed. It's full of photos of cats in various poses, with brief captions comparing cats to Asperger's (ex: shows a picture of a cat eating out of a pan with a caption that says, "he's often fussy about what he eats," or a photo of a cat sticking his paw in the water faucet with a caption saying, "he invents new ways to do old things ." I think this book is really about teaching people to appreciate each others' differences and recognize the value in having people who aren't all exactly alike.

Kathy Hoopmann has a couple of other books, too, with an 8yo(?) as the main character who learns that he has Asperger's. The first is "The Blue Bottle Mystery," and the sequel is "Of Mice and Aliens." They are about 2nd-3rd grade level reading, I think.

Oh, your comment about dh's heavy handed parenting is a good point. Heavy handed parenting is usually exactly the WRONG way to approach children with AS 'cus it makes their stress and behaviors worse. You may want to check the library for some good AS books that your dh can read to better understand your ds and how to approach him in a more effective way. Even if your dh just read the kids' book "The Blue Bottle Mystery," the first chapter is very illustrative of the different style thought process that goes on in an AS child's mind. If dh can understand that a lot of ds behavior issues are less about ds trying to be bad and more about ds being REALLY overwhelmed, it may help dh look for different approaches for working with ds.

Best wishes.