Please please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Please please help
5
Sun, 08-17-2008 - 1:59pm

Theres something seriously wrong with my family. I really feel as though its so disfunctional its beyond repair. I have posted on here with regards to near on every member of my closest family members.


So here Goes, and I am sorry if it seems like I am rambling. I am just gonna type how it is coming out in my head.


My middle son is 8 years old. And up until near on a year ago was always very pleasant, and gentle. Hes always been picked on by my older son, and that is in another thread somewhere on here. And I was on the ball with the punishments as regards to that matter(as much as I could be) More recently his behavour has gotton really really bad. I see it as some kind of rebellion to being picked on, I really do. And my eldest son has played with his mind a bit to be honest. My 8 year old is screaming and crying at the silliest things, and its getting to the point of total distraction for everyone in this house. And the neighbours I should think as well. I have decided that the best way forward is not to raise my voice at my kids unless it is really needed. So at the end of the day its them that are looking silly, and rude whilst shouting at me, and I am keeping my calm.


I have come on here to type this to get away from his terrible temper. I went to do baby his bedtime milk, and made sure I did my son his as well. And told him to please go to bed, he was obviously tired and needed an early night. He was screaming at me at his highest possible screamy voice. I was standing there just warning him not to shout at me, as I wasnt shouting at him. All I had asked was that he kindly go to his room after getting his milk. He said he hates this family and that he wants to kill himself. And that his older brother always gets away with stuff. Yet my eldest says the same thing when I tell him off as well. I feel as though i am on a losing battle with him especially. I am seeking help for my eldests outbursts, so I am thinking maybe he needs help as well. I am worried that my neighbours will take it upon themselfs to call social services. Neither side talk to us as it is(for no apparent reason)so this is a worrying issue for me.


He used to be sooo loving and gentle with me. It hurts me so much when hes screaming at me for no reason.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:17pm

Sunny, if the won't talk to you is there another adult he could talk to? An aunt, a close friend? When I was a teen it was a lot of help to me to be able to talk to my best friend's mom. She was also from Europe and so understood a lot of my mom's rules and expectations, things that my other friends were not having to deal with. To me, a lot of what my mom was expecting just didn't make sense or even seem important. I was a good kid but I got in a lot of trouble at home for breaking house rules. I only ever went to the movies when I spent the night at my friends because I was expected to be home 10 minutes after the movie was over. Why couldn't I go with my friends to get some fries and a coke after the movie was over? It was embarrassing to have to tell the parent driving us that I needed to be home right after the movie was over so if they couldn't take me I'd have to call my mom to come get me. My brother did have different privileges and expectations. He was younger so part of it was they learned to loosen up a bit by the time he was a teen and he was a boy so they didn't worry about him as much.

Is there ever a time when he isn't angry and you can have a private talk with him. Talk to him about what your expectations are, what he feels most strongly about, etc.?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:25pm
I did try the other day. But he wouldnt look at me. And he was curled up in a ball trying to pull away from me. He was also answering me as though he couldnt care less. My mum has had words with him but to no avail.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:46pm

Take him out some place (even yard work) where you both are doing something, talking but not looking at each other. Kids, especially boys will often open up if they don't have to look at you and are able to "focus" on a task while they talk. That is one of the reasons therapist who work with kids will often have them coloring or drawing while they talk.

How much one-on-one time does each kid get with you and their dad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 3:54pm

Well yes and no. My hubby is a shift worker, so the time he is at home is spent doing stuff he couldnt do while he was at work. I have my elder and younger sons to deal with as well as him. When my eldest is out and about with his freinds is about the only time we are together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 9:48pm

When a young boy starts saying that he wants to kill himself and other people then I think it is time for family therapy. My son has had a similar reaction due to bullying at school. I would imagine bullying at home to be even more traumatic. We started therapy this summer, I'm not sure how well it is working just yet, it does take time. His situation has obviously become unbearable and he is begging you for help even if he doesn't know the words to use to ask.

goodluck

-Judy me 35, DH 35, DS 8 and one in the oven, edd 4/17/09.


Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

-Judy- me 36, DH 36, DS born 6/12/2000 and DD born 4/19/2009