Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Advice?
4
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 3:16pm

Hi everyone-

I wasn't really sure where to come to ask this question, so I figured I'd ask on here.

My boyfriend is 30 and has an 8 yr old daughter. I haven't met her yet because I think that we should be together quite a while before she meets me. My BF and his ex (mother of this daughter) broke up over a year ago and it was really hard on their daughter. Her mother yells at her and blames him for everything (even calls him names in front of their daughter). I just think that she has so much to deal with already, and I don't want to come into her life unless we're sure that i'll be there for good.

On the other hand, I am in my 20s (a lil younger than him) and I'm the complete opposite of his ex. I'm very optimistic, I work with children in my job, I adore children. He thinks that my involvement in her life would be positive because we have the same attitude and because I'm younger, have a younger perspective that could be of help to her as she goes through these hard times. And I would love to be that for her. I would love to do things with her, and help her with her homework (she is in French and I am bilingual).

How do we go about doing this? And when is the right time? We have been casually dating since February and have been together since June. I would really appreciate any imput on this. I just don't want her mom to feel like I'm taking over, and I don't want the daughter to feel any negative feelings like i'm getting in the way. I want this to be a smooth transition and a positive one as well.

Thanks Girls!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
In reply to: cosmo_girl18
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 1:59pm

hi..my parents divorce when I was 7yrs old, my dad had a new "girlfriend" right away, I remember she used to bug the hell out of me...I felt like I came second, she was first..

When you do meet her,as dad's girlfriend, don't be "lovey dovey" with her dad... that is very hard for a child to take.

be introduced as dad's "Friend" ---being 8yrs old, dad's girlfriend seems... can't think of the right word....uncomfortable, just hearing the word, might make her dislike you, (speaking from experience)

keep if casual, do lunch, go to the park, meet on neutral ground, start slow, nothing is worse than dad having a girlfriend that hangs all over him, and is ALWAYS there...
give her time to get use to the idea of dad having a "girlfriend"... let her ask about you, if dd and dad are going out for the day, ask if YOU can come along, and if she says no, then that's ok, make sure that she understands that her time with her dad, is her time, and you'll only come along if invited...

I hope this makes sense....

good luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: cosmo_girl18
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 2:19pm

Speaking from experience as well, I agree with the previous post. I wanted to add though unless you know you are in for long term do not even meet her. From experience, my son, has had a hard time when my relationships have ended after he was attached.

But, if you know it is for long term go slow. Let things happen on her terms also it helps if she feels she is your friend and then her dads friend. If that makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: cosmo_girl18
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 8:07am

Cosmo,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
In reply to: cosmo_girl18
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 3:57pm
thanks!