Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
Any advice?
11
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 11:43am
Not sure where to place this on which board I mean, I'm getting married and my future husband has a daughter in first grade from his first marriage, and I want to make the change for her as easy as possible on her. I know I can't replace her biological mom but, at same time I am going to be living with her and I feel responsible to take care of her. I just want this to be a good situation for her.

Stephanie: Board home Poet's Workshop.  Writer of stories, and poetry. 

"Don't dream its over"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 11:52am
Welcome, Stephanie! I do not have any BTDT advice for you. Just be patient and let her know that you love and care for her. I did find some iVillage articles that might help! I hope to get to know you and your family better.

http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/structure/0,,42q0,00.html

http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/structure/0,,46jn,00.html

I hope these articles can help you make an easy transition.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 11:58am

Welcome to the board. I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your SO and ask him what he expects your role to be. Does his DD still see her mom? What is her relationship like with her dad? After you talk to your SO about what he expectations are, I would suggest having your SO talk to her about you moving in with them and getting married before it happens (if he hasn't already). Then, once that's done, I would suggest you and her sitting down and talking together about things.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 11:59am
thanks I'm looking at one of the articles in your post right now, ton of great stuff there. I just don't want traumatize her anymore then she already has been. I can't believe what she been through in 6 years. Parents fighting, Parents divorcing, who knows the teasing she probably gone through in school as well. I just don't want to add to that you know.

Stephanie: Board home Poet's Workshop.  Writer of stories, and poetry. 

"Don't dream its over"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 12:04pm
Right! I totally understand. My oldest were young when their father and I divorced so luckily they don't remember the hard times. They were 7 and 9 when DH and I got married.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 12:12pm
Their Relationship is cats and dogs like, they can't even be in the same room together for only a few minutes and they start going at it with yelling and screaming at each other. I have told Jamar I will not stand between Clarissa and her mother having a relationship. If she wants to see her mother I won't stop it. I mean if it was me in her shoes and someone told me I couldn't see my mother oh and I am your new mother which I am not sure I even want to be called a mother or mom or anything like that because I know the effect it will have on her. Anyways back to my thought I be like no way you're not my mother, and you'll never be my mother. It's a tight spot.

Stephanie: Board home Poet's Workshop.  Writer of stories, and poetry. 

"Don't dream its over"

Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 12:24pm

It sounds like a tight spot. My son's dad and I divorced when our son was a baby and he hasn't been a part of my son's life at all. I got remarried last year (DS was 6). My DH is planning to adopt my son and has completely taken the role of being his father.


I know there is a board on iVillage for Stepfamilies and stepparents. I'll try to find a link for you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2009
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 12:33pm
I would apprentice that thank you, just to paint a clear picture for you. I'm 29, I have no children. I would love to have a child and start a family. I love Clarissa, and I want to be someone she can love, and depend on, but at the same time I don't want to make her feel like her old life is dead. She wants to hang out with her mom, no problem. I do fear though that Clarissa maybe used as a weapon in their fighting which I have told Jamar to leave his daughter out of it. I think she's been through too much already. I don't know how she's handling to be honest. I haven't had much interaction with her yet other, then just normal asking her how you doing today? kinda thing. I know I would be a wreck at 6 with this storm brewing around me. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to grasp some of it, heck I having hard time with and I'm almost 30. By the way I am really 29 and I not going to ever do oh I'm not turning 30 today or 40 or 50 or whatever, I don't care really about my age.

Stephanie: Board home Poet's Workshop.  Writer of stories, and poetry. 

"Don't dream its over"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 1:22pm
Great links, Stacey, thanks!
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Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Thu, 11-05-2009 - 1:40pm

It sounds like you have her best interest at heart. It seems like the best thing you can do right now is be a friend for her. Maybe have an aunt type relationship for now and see how things develop. I would definintely talk to your SO about what he expects from you in regards to her. Good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: stephanie_ark
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 2:58pm

Hi - I am chiming in a bit late but I just found this board. I am not a step mom, but I do have one, and step-siblings from my step-father.

If you can, see if you can find a parenting class to take with your soon to be husband. It will help you to understand kids and what parents are going through, and will also help you and your soon to be husband agree on how to parent. If there is one were kids can be involved, that would be great too. (Doesn't sound like there is much chance of the mom coming, but it would be nice to have consistency across both households!)

Do sit down with your husband and ask him what he expects from you and from his daughter. It may be that he wants you to leave all discipline to him. He should expect that his daughter treat you politely and with respect. Especially at first, disapline should come more from him than you, but he should also back you up.

Establish a routine as best you can. Always speak nicely about her mother (and father.) Save discussions of birth mom for when she is out of hearing. Get input within reason of things that she would like - time to get up on weekends, snacks, story time before bed...but, do not allow her to play you off of her dad - if her dad has a rule, stick to it and tell her she can discuss it with her dad when he is home.

Good luck with everything! Sometimes stepparenting can be very challenging when the two parents fight about everything, or if the non-custodial parent badmouths you and the dad. (My step-sister's mother was that way.) My mom and stepsister did not get along well when my sister was younger, but now that she is an adult, she spends more time over at my moms and step-dad's house than at her mom's because she has caught on to the negative and doesn't want her kids exposed. My step-brother preferred to be with my mom and had a great relationship with her. It sounds like you have the right mindset for a great relationship.

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