13 year old daughter and friend
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13 year old daughter and friend
| Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:44pm |
When moving to our small town 10 years ago, my daughter met a girl who she became fast friends with and I, friends with her mother. Over the past couple of years my daughter and "B" have grown apart for whatever reason. I still remain friendly with the mom but not as much as we used to be. My daughter and this girl cannot be in the same room with each other without fighting and arguing about something. My daughter always says "B" spazzes about everything and is always bragging (their family has money). "B" says my daughter picks on her. "B"'s mom has gone so far as to tell my daughter that she needs a good talking to about how to be nice. Well, by way of background, my daughter is a very kind and caring kid, has lots of other friends, an honour student, never causes me grief (yet) but yes, can be domineering and headstrong at times. I have tried talking to her about trying to be nice and civil with "B" and trying to remember the good times they used to have but she says she hates "B" and refuses to compromise - so unlike her in other areas. I feel horrible about this because they are both part of a circle of friends and it makes it hard on all of them when these two just dont get along - as well as my relationship with "B"s mom. I dont normally get mixed up in this kind of stuff but its starting to wear on me and my friendship with "B"s mom. Any advice?

My advise to you is to step back and let the girls work it out on their own. As to your relationship with B's mom I feel bad that you find yourself in this situation because it hurts to feel like you are loosing a friend over something that is totally beyond your control. Mother's are protective of their children so this is a tough spot to be in. I think the only way to remain friends with "B"s mom is to accept that the girls are going through changes and drifting apart right now but that you both agree not to let their relationship interfer with your own. Harder said then done I know.
My own btdt experience was with a skating mom. DD skated with her daughter "C" for many years and both our families became very close. Then the girls went to middle school and "C" got into a new group of friends and started saying terrible things about DD and they got into a huge fight that lasted 2 years - they hated eachother. I tried talking to "C"s mom about it but she just shrugged it off and said that girls are girls and they would be friends again some day. After a while it became increasingly more difficult to have the girls skate at the same rink so DD ended up having to change ice rinks. Then they got into high school and they made up and became best friends again for 2 years. It was hard for me to accept "C" back into my house after all that had been done and said but I did and after a while I started to treat her like part of the family again and "C"s mom did the same. We took "C" on vacation with us and I was asked to be "C"s sponsor for her confirmation. Well the same exact thing happened again between DD and "C". They got into a fight and hated each other and I was put in such an ackward situation because I was still supposed to be "C"s sponsor for the confirmation. I had no choice but to discuss it with "C"s mom and it didn't really go that well - I felt just awful afterwards. Now "C"s mom and I hardly speak and guess what??? "C" and DD are friends again!!! Go figure!
Unfortunately ... no. However, btdt a few times on both sides and it's a tough situation to be in. In the case of my DD, her falling out with one girl in her group of friends caused so much strain and stress with the others that eventually, she wasn't really friends with any of them. It was very hard because we had both hoped that no one would feel compelled to chose sides between DD and the other girl. The other girl involved, however, felt compelled to compete with DD to 'win' these friendships as her own and sadly, was successful that way. Our entire family with friends with the entire family of one of the girls and that fell apart too, so not just one friendship destroyed, but three friendships. It's a sad thing because it seemed that everyone enjoyed the friendships they found in the other families.
Teen friendships are often rather fleeting until they are a bit older, imo, so I realized that it is best for ME to not have too much invested or depend too heavily on the parents and families of the friends of my children as friends for myself.
Sorry I don't have much in the way of advice; just sympathy.
My advise would be to stay out of it - but it doesn't look like the other mom is going to let you do that. However, I would continue to try, and be the one to tell her "let's you and I stay out of it." We've all been through this, and if you notice the moms who tell you "let them work it out" have older kids, and have btdt. We all know the emotional rollercoaster years of teenagers, *especially girls*. If we allow ourselves to be taken in by all that, well, you can imagine what happens. I'm getting to the point where I honestly don't believe that developing friendships with the parents of your kid's friends is such a good idea. Sometimes these friendships work out, but most often they do not.
I've been on both sides, too. Only once has it worked out to where I kept a frienship even after the kids had grown apart, but she and I had so much in common we were like sisters. Even so, since I had moved farther away, we mainly kept up via email and occasional phone calls.
My dd had a friend that sounds a bit like your dd. Very nice girl, studious, academic, but pretty "bossy". I absolutely adored her mother and she and I could have had a long friendship BUT...Eventually dd told me, "M. is mean." I could see that she had a "mean streak" as well, even as nice as she could sometimes be. DD and M. grew apart and so did her mom and I. It still hurts me to this day when I see her, and I have to wonder what side of things she heard from M. From now on, I try not to get too attached to any of the parents.