13yr old wont get on board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
13yr old wont get on board
16
Sat, 08-21-2010 - 11:10pm
my daughter is 13 and moved in with her gma bout a yr ago because we fought all the time and i felt like i was making her life hell! now they cant deal with her and sent her home about 3 wks ago! now my other kids all have chores and they do them no problem!but this child will not get on board and this is what we fought about all the time! now here we are back where we left off!!! and nothing works she loses privileges, shoes, electronics, and she still don't care! i belive that kids should be respectful and earn they keep! i don't mind buying Jordan shoes or iPod ect but you will be respectful and earn the things you want!! how can i get her on the bus??????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:53am

hi,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 10:25am
Somehow I think there is more going on here. When you sent her to live w/ the grandparents, did she say she wanted to go or was she just sent there? Do you think she could have gotten the idea that "mom didn't want me" even though in your mind you thought it was for the best? Then the grandparents "sent her home"--another rejection. I don't really think that any 13 yr old really loves doing chores, but they will usually get around to doing it w/ a little pushing. I can't see "fighting all the time" about chores. Usually it's something as simple as if you want to go to your friend's house on Sat. then you have to complete your chores first. Or you can't get on the computer or watch TV until you finish clearing the table. It should be something simple that consequences are spelled out so that it doesn't require yelling or fighting. But if it just turns into a power struggle and no matter what you do, she is defying you, then I think that you should try counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2009
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 11:32am
I'll just ditto your post. Great advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 4:25pm

I know you won't like my answer, but please believe that I am NOT trying to be hurtful to you!


I agree that this "child" NEEDS to be in intensive counselling NOW. You have already lost control. I can guarantee you she is well versed in all the "You Have RIGHTS" mumbo jumbo taught to children these days. She will attempt to use it against you at every request of compliance. She is doing it now- AND KEEP IN MIND- Your other children are seeing this and taking note on how to rebell, it's only a matter of time.


Call your FAMILY COURT immediately and ask about "Youth At Risk" programs in your area. DOCUMENT her behavior, her refusals, every time she raises her voice, calls you names, refuses to do as she is told! This may be your last chance to get through to her, hopefully before she is physically larger than you and/or raises her hand to you. Be ready to stand for YOUR RIGHTS as the PARENT. If this child does become physically agressive in any way- call the police! SERIOUSLY! If she attacks you, slap her down! THEN CALL the police and tell them why! YOU ARE ALLOWED to defend yourself and the other children in the household from a dangerous person, even if that person is another of your children.


I'm sure other moms here will disagree, then they haven't raised one of "THESE" kids. Mine was also a daughter. All three of my girls are VERY different personality wise. All raised sort of the same with the same basic rules depending on age and capability. THIS one hit mid Jr High and decided she liked the attention of being a "nut".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 6:38pm

I am a lawyer and I would not get either the court or DCF involved unless it was really a last resort. All this child is doing now is not doing her chores--she's not doing anything violent. When you involve the courts or the state, you lose the ability to decide how to parent your own kids because the gov't takes over. They decide if you are being a good parent or not. I would first start w/ private counseling, assuming that health insurance will cover it. If they don't have insurance, there are usually community centers w/ sliding scale fees.

BTW my ex's nephew was involved w/ the court system and he was taken out of his house & put in a foster home, then in some kind of juvenile facility. But he was using drugs and pulled a knife on his stepfather. I doubt the courts want to get involved w/ a kid who just won't do their chores. They have bigger problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:14pm
I don't see were you as a parent should have an issue. For every chore she refuses to do around the house then she looses an item SHE thinks is important. If she has expensive shoes take them away go buy her the ugliest pair at walmart, payless, what have you. Or maybe she just doesn't care about material things if it doesn't bother her to lose them. Every child responds differently to punishments. You have to figure out the one that works for her.
Sit down have a family meeting maybe establish a new chore chart or even have a rotating chore schedule, with everyone having input to the chores and consequences for not doing them. Then draw up a contract for everyone to sign then there is no surprise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:52pm

we've been to a therapist before

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2010
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 8:59pm
thank you for ur post you truly understand what i am going thru!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 9:38pm

I guess I'm probably reading more into what was said than is really happening then? Of course thats entirely possible!


I just personally find it hard to believe this 13yo girl has been put out of two homes in a year because of "not doing chores". From the OP's name here I am under the impression that there are more kids in the house. What about them? They are also being affected.


I didn't have any trouble playing "hardball" with my DD when she started this type of behavior because we were all well known in our community. Yes, now that I think about it, that could have alot to do with why the courts didn't take over our lives or attempt to usurp my "power" as parent. I am a physically disabled single parent and as such, had time to volunteer and was involved (as were the girls) in community church activities and the

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-22-2010 - 9:51pm

Memaw and papaw are the problem

Don't know what else to tell you except that you need to find a way to take back your family.

My parents never would have thought to do this. So sorry.

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