14 DD really upsetting me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
14 DD really upsetting me
12
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 6:46pm

Some background.

I'm Brian. 45. Divorced for 1 1/2 years, separated for 3 1/2 before that. Ugly divorce...custody nonsense still continues. Remarried on June 3.

I have DD/14 and DS/10. DW has DSS/8.

DD/14 has many poor personal qualities that for the life of me I cannot get changed around.

She has horrible issues with her mother (my Ex) and does not associate with her...probably never will.

Among the other problems: respecting my limits, helping around the house, keeping her room tidy, picking up after herself, poor personal hygiene.

My first instinct has been to try to talk it all out...but that has been useless.

She has a few friends, but was in all the wrong cliques in Middle School. (The Goth and "Slob" crowds.) She starts HS in a week.

At this point, I'm ready to turn my house into a bootcamp. No TV's, Video Game stations, Cell Phones, Computers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 7:23pm

Hi. I am new at giving advice here as I am still unsure of my parenting skills (sad when I have a 17yo!!).


Anyway, two things come to mind. First, is there any non-parent adult you can trust that she can also trust and confide in? Sometimes, I think, these kids don't know who they can talk to. Maybe just another adult she is comfortable with can work. My second thought is to make contact with the guidance department at the high school. Sometimes they have 'peer leaders' or a mentoring program with teachers. Even a guidance counselor may be able to intervene to the extent needed here.


Good luck. As they say, "the bigger the kid, the bigger the problems".


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 12:08am
I would take her to a good child psychiatrist. You say your dd has "horrible issues" with her mother. Mothers are a young girl's role model, & your dd's mom was "taken away" from her at a tender age. Along with that is the emotional distress of facing the onset of her menstration without her mother's guidance. The poor hygiene, coupled with the other issues, suggest depression and/or post traumatic stress disorder, which the divorce & the "issues" are enough alone to cause, and you don't know what ELSE may have happened to her.
Things certainly are not helped by your opinion that she "...was in all the wrong cliques in Middle School". There is enough emotional pressure on Jr Hi girls from their peers, without YOU telling her she's hanging with the "wrong" cliques. Goths & "Slobs" are usually similarly depressed, abused, & abandoned children, with whom she surely identified. Cheerleaders, jocks & "popular" kids are the ones who are smoking, drinking, blowing pot & having sex. Having BTDT with TWO dds, I would choose the goths any day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 6:59am

i definately agree with both posters - but especialy with sabrtooth. your dd may very well be depressed. lack of peronal hygiene is not a good sign. don't forget that your dd has been thru alot - nasty divorce/separation, issues with her mother + total separation from her mother, and now a remarriage. it can't be easy for her, coupled with the 'normal' crap of being a teen in JHS/HS.

Before you turn your home into boot camp, please consult with a therapist who deals with this type of thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 9:14am

First off, I hope you were kidding about turning the home into a boot camp - there are so many social pressures on the kids in JH/HS that they really need some place to go to kick back, relax, and be themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 1:15pm

"DD/14 has many poor personal qualities that for the life of me I cannot get changed around."

Part of parenting a teen is learning to accept them for who they are even if it's not what you envisioned all these years. It's not like a light bulb moment but....a lot of little light bulb moments during those teen years.

Not saying you dont expect her to pick up her stuff but that her standards may not match your standards-EVER!

Middle School? Wow! My youngest starts high school in August and it just occured to me I will never have to endure that nightmare again!!!! High School is better-really!

I find her relationship(lack of)with her biological mom worrisome but, honestly, I bet if you polled the parents of 14 yr olds, you would find almost all experiencing several of your other concerns

My 14 yr old boy has no trouble with my limits YET! I ve been through this twice before so I know its coming-hes always been a late bloomer. But his room? YIKES. I do find some of the buildings he constructs on his desk with empty pop cans interesting, though ;) Asked him to take out the garbage the other day and got "Why? Its not overflowing yet"(he pretty much said this as he was doing it-like I said, its coming....)

Personal hygiene? He has to be reminded to shower and brush his teeth. He has always been like this so I wouldnt consider it a sign of depression for him. I cant speak for your dd

If she has stopped caring about things she used to, thats worrisome

But if she wears the same pair of jeans for several days or her shirts go from dryer to laundry basket to her body without ever seeing a hanger or iron......I dont think thats depression

Hang in there! Remember she is gone in 4 years and you both need to be prepared for that day. She has to begin that quest for independence sometime or she will be living in your basement at 30(or do only parents of boys worry about that?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:54pm

My first reaction reading your post was "gee...sounds just like a typical teen". What I mean is that teens who challenge their limits, refuse to clean up their rooms or help out around the house are pretty common. My dd is almost 15 and I still have to yell at her to fix her own bed or to maybe keep her own room dust free or put her dirty clothes in the laundry hamper vs all over the floor. As for personal hygiene I think its usually me prompting her to wash up and take a shower. Lots of girls her age are primping and preening themselves constantly. The most mine will do is shave her legs and underarms and occasionally straighten her unruly hair.

All I'm saying is that what you've listed hardly sound like terrible things for a teen. You don't mention her doing things like staying out late, experimenting with drugs or alcohol or getting in trouble at school. How are her marks? Does she have other interests at which she excels like band or a sport?

As for the cliques...the goths and the slobs don't sound too bad. At least their not the stoners or the easy girls who sleep around (yes...14 yos do that stuff...). Let her choose her own friends...as long as she is keeping her grades up, has some sort of goal and isn't getting into trouble thank your lucky stars.

As for her mum...don't push it. I'm sure she has her reasons and when she's ready to work through them, she will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 12:14am

Raising teens is tough in the best of circumstances. I agree with those that suggested counseling but I would also like to ask how consistent have you been in the past? Does she know exactly what is expected of her when you tell her to clean her room? One week is it simply make the bed and then the next week does it include making the bed, vacuuming, dusting, etc. Does DD know what the consequences are of not cleaning her room? One week does she simply get told again and then its forgotten if she doesn't do it or is she not allowed out with friends until its done?

With my DD, we learned the hard way that we had to be very clear with her about instructions and consequences and then we had to be very consistent with her about the consequences. If we wouldn't let her go out until her room was cleaned up then it had to be that way all the time or she wouldn't believe we meant it.

With your DD and custody issues and a new step-parent in the home, it's going to be even harder for her to figure out who expects what from her. She needs to know exactly what's expected at all times and what the consequences will be.

I also agree with some of the other posters about the goths. The kids in my youth group that are goth-types are the ones that don't gossip about the others, I can count on them to answer a question honestly (even if I don't like the answer), etc. The preppy cheerleader girls are more prone to gossip, fight over the boys, and tell me what they think I want to hear regardless of the truth. You might want to make a special effort to get to know her friends - they might just surprise you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:43am

A couple of additional notes....

DD has been in couselling for several years now. Mostly do deal with the issues surrounding her mother.Unfortunately, the results have been limited, due to my Ex's unwillingness to accept any fault to her actions. (And belive me when I say, my Ex is completely, 100% at fault for DD's issues.)

DD does get alone very well with DW. And DW and I are putting forth a consistent front of what we expect. Of course, enforcement by DW is touchy since she is the stepmom. We are working those issues out.

Ironically, my experience with the goth/slob crowd in JHS is completely opposite of what seems to prevail in the other posts. The "queen bee" last year was kicked out of the school for chronic truancy. The new "queen bee" was a power-hungry little twerp with pink hair and black everywhere else.

DD's grades did improve last year, but only with a lot of work.

Some more background. 2 years ago, my Ex decided to move away and leave the kids with me. A year later, Ex moved back (400 yards from my house) when her attempt to keep the kids permanently at the end of that summer was thwarted by a Court Order from an angry Judge in my state. (I had to go retrieve them.) I believe that part of the reason that my DD is in the state that she is in is that she does not want to run into my Ex.

I purposefully tired to make this first year of HS one that is not so buried in the books. The has Math/Science/English, and then three electives to get her PE and Fine Arts requirements out of the way.

I love DD dearly, I just hope I can get her ready for life in the next four years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:49pm

well your dd has been thru a lot. thankfully she has you and your DW in her life now.

i wanted to say something: my DS has a lot of issues, some are 'his' and alot of stuff is related to his father disappearing from his life, and the emotional /psychological abuse he suffered from my second husband (now ex). my son went thru a lot - and it took a long time for him to learn to accept responsiblity for his life. this is what i wanted to say to you - i understand that your dd's problems are not her 'fault' and i believe you when you say that your ex is <> but it is important for these kids to understand that these things aren't their "fault" but their life is their responsibility. if your dd is now choosing to do things in a certain way - this is her choice. even if we agree that its not her fault. I am just saying that its important for her (and for you) to accept that she has to start at some point to make healthier choices. this is something that she should be going thru in therapy.

hang in there ---- i know that you love her and care for her future. hopefully you will get thru this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 3:56pm

It's good that you have had your DD in counselling, but after years of therapy, if nothing has changed, maybe it's time to find another therapist. Of course, maybe all her problems are due to whatever her mother did, but I think a good therapist will help your DD to learn how to deal w/ those issues. My DH's father was abusive to him and now that he is 50 yrs. old, he still cannot let go of those issues, which I think is very unhealthy, esp. cause his father has been dead for many years and he no longer has to deal w/ him.

As far as rules go, I am reminded of many problems that we had to deal with when my DSD turned 14 and suddenly changed from a kid who was very compliant and obedient to someone who was skipping school and doing a lot of other things (luckily that was the worst thing, no drinking, drugs or sex). The one good thing is that she is very neat, so her room was always beautiful, but she did go to wearing only jeans and black t shirts, but since she was clean, we didn't make a big deal about her appearance.

My DH tended to overreact to things. He would say stuff like "I'll cancel all your privileges, take away your computer and cell phone forever, etc." then of course when he calmed down, he would realize it was too much and change his mind. I think that makes a kid more confused or at least then when you threaten something and don't follow through, they don't take you seriously. I think it would be more effective to have a small punishment and stick to it. One thing she did was run over our cell phone minutes and cost us hundreds of extra dollars. My DH would tell her not to talk on the phone late at night and she would, he would catch her and she would deny she was even talking (although she is in the next bedroom and both of us can hear her voice). Then he would say "where is your phone?" and she would pretend she didn't know where, etc. cause it would be in her bed. Then after getting yelled at, she would do the exact same thing the next night. Finally he got the idea of making the punishment fit the crime, so to speak. For ex, if you can't be trusted not to talk on your cell phone, you have to hand it over when you go to bed. After a certain period of that, and more of not having the cell phone at all, we talked to her at the beginning of the last school year. It was either you obey the rules of the cell phone use or if you can't we'll buy you one of those pre-paid phones and you can pay for it. Needless to say, she has obeyed the rules since.

I just think a kid can be overwhelmed if you are constantly reprimanding them. Maybe you could concentrate on what the most annoying problem is, talk about that and give some kind of reward vs. punishment system. If you clean your room for a week, I'll give you money for a movie, but if you don't you can't go out until it's clean, or something like that.

I also recommend the book "Yes, your teen is crazy." I don't remember the author. I don't want to stereotype you as a dad, but I find that moms seem to talk about their kids' behavior a lot more, but since you're on this board, you are getting feedback from other people. My DH would act like his DD was the only 14 yr. old that ever caused problems, where if I heard from my DD's mothers that their kids were also being a PITA, it didn't feel so personal toward me.

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