14 DD really upsetting me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
14 DD really upsetting me
12
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 6:46pm

Some background.

I'm Brian. 45. Divorced for 1 1/2 years, separated for 3 1/2 before that. Ugly divorce...custody nonsense still continues. Remarried on June 3.

I have DD/14 and DS/10. DW has DSS/8.

DD/14 has many poor personal qualities that for the life of me I cannot get changed around.

She has horrible issues with her mother (my Ex) and does not associate with her...probably never will.

Among the other problems: respecting my limits, helping around the house, keeping her room tidy, picking up after herself, poor personal hygiene.

My first instinct has been to try to talk it all out...but that has been useless.

She has a few friends, but was in all the wrong cliques in Middle School. (The Goth and "Slob" crowds.) She starts HS in a week.

At this point, I'm ready to turn my house into a bootcamp. No TV's, Video Game stations, Cell Phones, Computers.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 9:00am

Wow that sounds really familiar. I don't agree with everyone that has posted. I have a 13 year old, so maybe that's why. I haven't BTDT yet, but we are coming up on it. My daughter is almost 14 and is the same as yours. I remarried 5 years ago, but as her mom, she and I have a great relationship most of the time. She is a slab, and I have to remind her about hygiene as well. One thing that we live by in our home is consequences for actions. You do this...this happens. You don't do this...this happens. Sometimes the consequences are from her mom, and sometimes they are from outside sources. IE: She NEVER wears her rubberbands for her braces (and rarely brushes her teeth since its summer). Consequence is that the dentist made her wear braces 5 months longer. She was supposed to get them off last Spring.
We don't have a boot camp, but we do have certain things that are required. When her room is a mess, she has an option....You clean it in an hour or I clean it for you.....Guess what happens when I clean it?
I think you have to set limits and but leave room for them to make the decisions. It really helps with self esteem, even when the wrong decision is made. Your DD still has to learn that there are consequences, but in doing that, your home is still her safety net. She will know that this is one place she can go and will know what to expect in life.
Also, we explore hobbies she shows interests in. She is required to do one extracurricular activity. Whether YMCA Sport, Music, Art...something to distract her form school and give her some self worth. If she finds something that she is not good at, try something else the next season.
One other thing....Daddy Daughter Date Night is a MUST.......
Stay at it and you will get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 9:34am

I feel for this young woman. She was in the middle of an ugly divorce at an age when she was the most vulnerable. She has horrible issues with her mother, the most important woman in her life. Her life-line,her father, thinks she has "many poor personal qualities" and dislikes her choice of friends. She has to now compete for "love" from her father ( the support and acceptance of a young woman's father is very important at that age) with his new wife and new step-sister who is probably a very sweet girl.

Get your daughter and your son HELP NOW. The whole family should get help to deal with the aftermath of the nasty divorce, the poor reltionship with their mother and your re-marriage. These are all "earth shattering" events in a child's life. They shake the very foundation of a child's sense of security. Your daughter's behaviour is not the "disease" that will go away by stricter parenting. She is probably depressed and unhappy.

In the mean time, you can make a profound difference by instead of focussing on
changing her many poor personal qualities, try also focussing on her good qualities. There must be something "good" about your daughter. Pay attention to her. Make time to spead time alone with her,away from your wife and DSS. Don't lump the "girls" together and remember,you married your DW and not your daughter or son. Try to get to know her friends. Try to look beyond the "clothes" and the makeup to see the individual underneath.

And give your daughter personal space. Who cares if her room is a mess? Shut the door!
As long as there are no dirty dishes,so what? It is her room. Let it be.

But most importantly, GET HER HELP ASAP.

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