14 y. o. dating 18 y. o.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
14 y. o. dating 18 y. o.
13
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:43pm
I am furious at my wife for allowing her daughter and my step-daughter to be dating an 18 year old man. She JUST turned 14 and met this boy at a church "youth group". Like I said, he is 18, has dreadlocks at least two feet long, a full beard and dresses like a goth. My wife lets her invite him to the house about twice a week. Last time they were there, they were on the sofa while my wife worked in the kitchen and I sat on the recliner. During the twenty minutes I sat there, she was laying across the arm of the sofa, he rolled over and layed across her and they started hugging and kissing right in front of us. I told him to knock it off and show some resepect. My wife looked at me and told ME to knock it off. That I was out of line. Everytime he comes over, they retreat to some room and have their hands all over each other. But, truly I question whether this was the right place to come to after reading how some of the people on this board find it acceptable for their 16 year old daughters to have sex. I am very old fashioned and believe in men being gentlemen and respecting women and especially showing respect in front of the parents. My wife is completely not in my corner on this and it has made me madder than I have ever been in my life. Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:09pm

I think you'll find more people who agree with you here than you might think. I would not be happy for my DD15 to be dating someone so much older, and certainly wouldn't be happy to see so much "hands on" activity.

It sounds, though, that this is more an issue between you and your wife - if she thinks it's OK, then you'll get no response from either your DD or her boyfriend. Can you come up with compromises that all of you can live with?

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:47pm

I am with you on this one. This boy is treating your step-daughter like "an object" that he can use anytime. It is very disrespectively. I would take yout wife aside and tell her that you find that young man's behaviour unappropriate and disrespectiveful to both of you and to your daughter.

Ask him why would a 18-year-old young man be interested in a 14-year-old girl? The age difference is too much!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:55pm

Neither you nor your wife is wrong - except if your wife told you in front of the couple to knock it off (that is out of line). If your wife undermines you in front of the kids, you will only become more and more frustrated as your dd is still very young. Personally, I'd have a MAJOR problem with my 14dd dating and being manhandled by and 18 y/o, but that's just me.

You and your wife come to this with different views, which in and of itself is okay. However, you need to figure out how to handle this in the future. Chances are pretty good that this will not be the only bf your dd brings home. She will likely have many more boys visiting your home over the next few years and you have every right for those young men to be respectful of you, your home, and your dd. Lying across one another and making out in front of parents is not typically thought to be respectful behavior.

I would be upset about this also if I were you. My suggestion is that you and your wife discuss this with a third party to find a compromise you can both live with. Maybe the clergy at your place of worship can be that third party, perhaps a counselor whose expertise is with adolescents. You need to have some boundaries in place NOW, not later. And you need to set up what those boundaries are together.

I have two dds, 17 and 19 and we've dealt with this at times - not so nicely on occasion. I once had to ask a boy to leave if he couldn't keep his hands to himself and stop leaving love bites on my dd's neck every time he was with her. You'd think they would have at least given me a blush but no. Rather, they seemed outraged that I'd even bring it up and my dd actually yelled and cried to me later that I embarrassed her. LOL - I laughed right in her face and told her she SHOULD be embarrassed to come to the dinner table with a love bite on her neck sitting opposite H and me!

Best of luck -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:00pm

Actually I agree with you on this matter. A 14 yo IS too young to be dating an 18 yo. It is indeed only 4 years but its a heck of a 4 year time frame when alot happens. One is still beginning adolescence and the other is at the end. Its one of those things that had she been 20 and he 24, wouldn't be an issue but at this stage those 4 years makes a big difference.

I also agree that he should show some respect at her home in front of her parents. What happened to being discrete? No one wants to see two kids making out on the couch in front of them. It shows that despite the number of years, he is immature.

However, at the heart of this, is a fundamental issue between you and your wife. You have differing views on the values you think are important to instill AND it seems your wife doesn't even want to consider your point of view. This may not be your biological child but she's sharing your home and you are helping to provide for her and raise her and I think you have a voice in how that occurs. You and your wife need to discuss your role in this relationship, esp with respect to her daughter, and you need to find out where you both stand on this and many other issues.

Its a challenge because when you marry someone and have kids together, presumably you discuss these types of things before having kids. But this girl came with the marriage and when did you have time to talk about how this girl was going to be raised in your house?

So don't worry about what we all think about teenage sex (I think you will find a wide variety of views) and talk to your wife about what she thinks and how you see your role in helping to raise her daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2008
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 1:09am
I agree with you also. it would not happen in my home, and the 18yo boy/man would be facing criminal charges for even thinking of dating a 14yo in my care.I wouldn't even bat an eyelash at making it clear to him that it is illegal in my state.
My dd is 18 now, and as long as she lives under my roof, it is by MY rules, or get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:23pm

Are they always at your home?

Is she a freshman and he a senior?

Some think 14 is too young to date-period-but the middle ground suggested when that ship has already sailed is having the date over at your home as opposed to going to his home or out and about.

It sounds like this is what is happening with your situation??

A side effect of that is the hope that the older teen will become bored with restrictions and find someone else.

She shouldn't be off in private rooms, of course, but I would expect them to try and yes, you and her mother should be walking by the already open doorways on a regular basis. They should be watching movies, playing board games, etc

IOW I would acknowledge that it's too late to stop this one, try some male point of view guidelines with your wife, and forge new guidelines for next time.

But getting rid of him probably isnt an option at this point

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:57pm

Fascinating.

I would love to hear how your wife justifies all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:08pm

Nope, unacceptable to me at any time. I disagree with most of the dating "allowances" of those on this board, granted let me say that we are fairly religious and are strict with our kids. I believe in courtship and that the boy and his family must develop a relationship with us as a family as well as with our daughter before any courtship happens.

Your post has sent many, many red flags up for me. The most disturbing thing though is that you and your wife are at odds on this and she didn't hesitate to say so in front of the daughter. Oh man...not ok. Sounds like some discussions need to take place between your wife and you first and then progress to dealing with the daughter.

I would not be ok with this relationship because of the age factor. That is quite a difference at their ages. Makes me wonder why he's interested in a 14 year-old when he's at a different stage in his life than she is...definately disturbing. Of course, to me, anything involving goth is disturbing. My opinion, of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:40pm
I must say that after reading your post my jaw dropped. I just can't believe how rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate BOTH kids were towards you and I'm sorry to say your wife also. It sounded almost as if the kids didn't even acknowledge that you were in the room and that it doesn't much matter what you have to say. I bet that most of the replys that you get won't condone this behaviour. I don't blame you for being mad as hell. I would be absolutely furious. I would say that a long talk with your wife is in order. If she is not on your side and doesn't show you the respect you deserve then you are probably in for a long fight. Maybe she should read some of these posts to begin to see the light. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 6:16pm
My husband and I just finished reading your artictle and I must admit that I do share some of your wifes beliefs but my husband on the other hand is completely with you on this one. if your daughter is only 14 and dating a man who is 18 years old, there is going to be a lot of differences at where they are sexually. I would still allow them to see each other because if you try and stop it than things could get even worse. your daughter could start sneaking out to see him and then things will not be supervised.
I would say if he is going to be coming over to your house than ground rules should be set! Both your daughter and this man should show some respect and not be gropping each other infront of you. If they wish to have some alone time than make it so they watch a movie or something that you can peak in on them once in a while. If this isn't to their satisfactory and they want to be in her bedroom, than the door should be open, if they continue to close it you can always take it off its hinges. I wish you luck and am glad that I have another 10 years before I have to think about any of this!!

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