14 y. o. dating 18 y. o.
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14 y. o. dating 18 y. o.
| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:43pm |
I am furious at my wife for allowing her daughter and my step-daughter to be dating an 18 year old man. She JUST turned 14 and met this boy at a church "youth group". Like I said, he is 18, has dreadlocks at least two feet long, a full beard and dresses like a goth. My wife lets her invite him to the house about twice a week. Last time they were there, they were on the sofa while my wife worked in the kitchen and I sat on the recliner. During the twenty minutes I sat there, she was laying across the arm of the sofa, he rolled over and layed across her and they started hugging and kissing right in front of us. I told him to knock it off and show some resepect. My wife looked at me and told ME to knock it off. That I was out of line. Everytime he comes over, they retreat to some room and have their hands all over each other. But, truly I question whether this was the right place to come to after reading how some of the people on this board find it acceptable for their 16 year old daughters to have sex. I am very old fashioned and believe in men being gentlemen and respecting women and especially showing respect in front of the parents. My wife is completely not in my corner on this and it has made me madder than I have ever been in my life. Any thoughts?

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Well, I happen to agree with you and I believe your wife is the one who is making the mistake. She may be temporarily blinded by the fact that this boy is in the "youth group" as though that makes him somehow not a teenage male driven by hormones. For the most part, an 18 yo and a 14 yo have no business dating each other; I suppose, though, to be fair, it should be judged individually. I would imagine this boy has to be a very immature 18 yo. You might ask you wife why she thinks an 18 yo would be interested in a 14 yo, with all the limitations that should entail.
I imagine it is very difficult for you to watch this, since it's not your biological daughter, but if your wife is smart, she will listen to you.
Marie
I'm the mother of sons - and I can see no reason why an 18 y/o man would want to date a 14 y/o girl other than the physical... and this young man's behavior is proving it in a big way. I have to wonder if our OP's DW has had much dealing with teenage boys, my guess is probably not, or she would not be seeing this behavior as she does. And having BEEN a teenage boy, DH knows exactly what's going through this young man's head. I grew up in a female household, had only female cousins, and my mother (a victim of incest) did her darnedest to keep my sisters and me away from all our male relatives. So was I in for a shock when I started dating at 18!
An even bigger shock came when my DSs turned into teenagers, but they and their friends have a pretty similar train of thought... and it's all driven by their horomones. The simple truth is, teenage boys have just a few things on their mind - fast cars, sports, and willing women - and not necessarily in that order. By allowing all the groping and fondling I think DW is playing with fire. If that's what they're doing in public what is going on in private??
I've had to deal with excessive PDA (public display of affection) with one of my DSs and his g/f - and I addressed it in terms of having respect for self, respect for your partner, and respect for the relationship. The physical side of the relationship is supposed to be special, whether it stops at kissing or involves sexual activity - and therefore it should be kept between the two of them, not shared or put on display for anyone and everyone who might be nearby... IMHO, that really cheapens something that is supposed to be special, and by extension it cheapens both people in the relationship. It might sound oldfashioned to some I suppose.
Rose
I just wanted to add. I am 23, but I met my BF when I was 14 and he was 18. We started dating when I was 15 and he was 19. Many people said it would never work but on July 1st we got married.
When I was 15 and 16, I did have rules and I HAD to follow them. When I was with him at his house or at mine a parent had to be home and all doors had to be opened. I had to maintain a C average at all times. We could only see each other 1 day on the weekends and talk 1 hour per night on the phone. We followed the rules and as I got older I got more freedoms and privileges.
Why didn't I date someone my age? Guys my age sucked to put it nicely. They were into going to parties and drugs, where as my bf was happy watching a movie together.
What did we have in common? We liked the same movies, games, animals, tv, music and pretty much everything else. We have the same moral and values as well.
I think your daughter need to have rules, if the guy truly likes her he will stick around, if not he will be gone and out of the picture.
I would not judge him by how he dresses but by how he acts.
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