14-y/o daughter experimenting sexually
Find a Conversation
14-y/o daughter experimenting sexually
| Sat, 08-12-2006 - 1:18pm |
My daughter is 14-y/o, almost 15. She and her boyfriend (who is 1 year older) have been together for a few months. They are together or on the phone with each other almost non-stop. I have noticed how comfortable they are with each other and it has made me a bit worried. He is a very nice boy, very polite, respectful and my daughter seems like the center of his world. I have met his parents and they seem very nice as well and we have briefly discussed needing to keep an eye on these two to make sure they are not having sex. I have been worried that my daughter and this boy have either had sex or are about to so although I feel bad about it I did snoop and looked at her journal and discovered that they have had oral sex. Honestly, this makes me cry just even writing this post. I feel like I have lost my little girl. I am not worried about her getting pregnant as she has been on oral contraceptives for a year now due to prolonged heavy periods. However, there are STDs to worry about. Right before I read her journal I tried asking her outright if they were doing anything sexual and she denied it, they both did. I could tell that my daughter was lying though, you know as a mom you just can just tell when your child is lying. She is too young to be involved in a sexual relationship. I am a single mom and it is just the two of us. I find it ironic that his parents think because his dad works from home and his mom is a stay at home mom they can keep an eye on these two and prevent them from having sex in their home but that is where this happened. So what do I do now? I have talked to her a lot about sex and the responsibilities that come with it and that she is too young for it but obviously that hasn't worked. I find it very sad to know that my daughter is sexually active at this age and am having a hard time dealing with it. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Well, I can sure see why your username is 'overwhelmed'! I'm sorry you're going through this. I have a 14yo DD too and I imagine I would feel much the same if I found out she was sexually active. In fact, I think I wrote once that I would be so shocked I would fall over dead if I learned tomorrow that she was. But that doesn't help you much.
I don't have any btdt advice, but since your fears have now been confirmed, you will probably need to take a more pro-active approach with your DD. I have read that a lot of teens don't consider oral sex 'real' sex because there is no actual intercourse involved, and don't realize that stds can be contracted through oral sex just the same as they can be through vaginal sex. Could be that is where your DD's head is at. I think there are a lot of 'virgins' out there that are rather experienced in the ways of oral sex!
I'm sure others will come round and have better advice for you, but my first thought is to talk to her such a way that your don't come straight out and say "I know you are experimenting sexually with your bf", but rather "I see how much you and bf care about one another and having been a teenager myself once, I know how easy it is to get carried away physically. >>> okay, you'll have to ad lib some here <<< but then go on to tell her that stds can be contracted in ways other than just vaginal intercourse ... you can get them from oral and anal sex as well." Then reiterate again the emotional ramifications and consequences of being sexually intimate at such a young age, how she might get 'labeled' loose or easy if word got out around school, all that stuff I'm sure you've already talked to her about.
Hopefully you'll get some more advice from others ... seems like everyone is gone this weekend. Hang in there, keep us posted, and I hope I helped a little bit.
Julie
Hi overwhelmed,
I don't usually pop in here on the weekends, but I did today and happened to see your post. I'm really sorry for what you're going through - I know exactly what you mean by your feel you've "lost your little girl". I was extremely upset to find out that my dd14 had let her "boyfriend" which was just a school boyfriend, touch her breasts "sometimes". I just about went through the roof - I started talking to her alot about sex at that point, emphasizing that although my hope is that she can refrain from having sex until marriage (well...set the bar high I always say) that I do understand she's human, and that rather than have her get pg, I would go and get her b.c. if she needed it, but that I expected that she would be smart enough to be in a committed relationship, etc. etc. I just keep talking to her about sex every chance I get. My dd is a strikingly beautiful girl beginning high school this fall, and I'm very worried. I monitor computer regularly, and so far don't think she's been active. It helps that she has a good friend whose older sister had a child as a teenager so she has seen how rough that is. I try my best to talk to her without being as she would call it "judgemental".
If you haven't been having these talks with dd you better start immediately. You don't have to tell her that you know - you probably should have started these talks as soon as your realized how intense the relationship with bf had become. You know this happened at the boy's house - do you know if they were left alone? I would seriously think about limiting their time together over there - have them over to your house instead. Sometimes parents do "lip service" and it may be that the boy's parents don't supervise as well as they'd like you to think. You should try everything within your power to limit their time unsupervised. That's not unreasonable. Just because she might do it anyway is no reason to make it easy for them. Good luck, and know that you are not alone.
This is so hard to deal with. First of all, you need to try to accept that if they want to do this, they will find a way no matter how hard you guys watch them. Having said that, I still enforced the rule of not being alone in either home until DD was 18 (and even then just for short periods of time). My primary goal with that rule was to simply remind her that I don't condone sexual behavior at that age and I don't want it happening in my home. They were also not allowed to be in certain, more isolated areas of the house by themselves.
Secondly, what 14 y/o is going to admit oral sex to their mom? A few years ago, I would have been very concerned about the lying but now I realize this would be a pretty typical response. Also alot of teens don't feel that oral sex is sex so she may have thought she wasn't lying to you. I would simply tell her that you aren't blind and your intuition tells you that there is some level of inappropriate activity going on. Don't give her the opportunity to lie to you or deny it. Just make the statement and go on with the talk that you would have if she admitted it.
My DD came to me when she was 16 for birth control b/c she was very close to becoming sexually active. Then about a year later, she informed me she wouldn't need that prescription anymore. She still had the same boyfriend - they just weren't having sex anymore. Prior to her becoming sexually active, we had had all the talks, etc. My words really didn't sink in but as youth coordinator, I arranged for a series of speakers to come and talk to the kids at church about premarital sex, its effects on the relationship, the pressure that it puts on teens to grow up too quickly, the consequences - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. The session that did the trick for DD was an open panel discussion with a group of college age students that practice abstinence. Some were virgins, some were not. They explained why they had made the choices they had. They talked openly about the changes that having sex brought to the relationship. The kids were given the opportunity to write down their questions in advance and those college kids answered every question openly and honestly. Our youth director carefully picked kids from his school that he knew and was confident would portray the message we were trying to get across. I had said everything they said but she heard it better coming from them.
Our hospital also has a program called Girl Talk (can't think of the one for boys) that girls can attend with a parent. It is non-religious but still focuses on both the physical and emotional consequences. You might check with some churches with large youth groups or your boys/girls club or the YMCA. Some of these places periodically sponsor such programs. In our area, the local United Methodist Adoption Agency sponsors such a program.
DD is still dating the same young man. He didn't like her decision and naturally tried to get her to change her mind but she can be pretty stubborn when she decides to do something. He has accepted her decision and, according to DD, doesn't even try anymore. I have noticed the amount of time spent "riding around" is now non-existent.
I still have some nagging concerns about the temptations that will arise once they are both away at college. He will be living in an apartment so access will be much easier. I mentioned this to DD the other day and she assured me that he respected her decision and that I didn't have anything to worry about. I must admit I do feel better - at least she's older and has had alot of access to many different viewpoints and has given this alot of thought. So if she does become sexually active again, it will be from a more mature standpoint.
Just continue those open talks. Remain very calm about the subject. Don't give her the opportunity to lie to you or deny anything. Try to get her enrolled in an abstinence or sex ed program outside of school. Also since this happened at his home, I would limit the amount of time spent there - keeping in mind, that when there's a will, there's a way.
Good Luck!