14 yo dd is so nasty to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
14 yo dd is so nasty to me
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 7:26pm
My daughter just turned 14, and she has been going through several very rough months. She's unhappy with life in general, or so it seems, is unhappy with school, friends, but especially me. She can be so nasty to me sometimes! I realize to a great degree that this is somewhat normal, but I can also admit that it really, really hurts. Today she had a bad day (her best friend was abruptly taken out of school and moved out of state) and it was understandable that she was quite upset. But somehow, on the way home from school, she managed to turn it around and it was ME that was at fault. I'm ruining her life, etc. etc. The logical part of me realizes that she's not upset with me so much as she's upset with her friend leaving so abruptly. But why, why, why does she push every button of mine (and she's darn good at it)to the point where I am just sick inside? I try very hard to remain calm, and most of the time I do. Privately I just sob sometimes. I hate this war between us. Nothing I do is right. Anyone else experiencing this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 10:00am
I heartily suggest the book that was recommended on this board by someone, I forget who. But it is a great book. It's called "Get out of my life, but first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" I have used techniques in this book with my ds and I have to tell you, they work!!!! It is amazing!! In some ways, teens are like toddlers. You have to not buy into their circular reasoning and stick to the topic! Get it, quickly!! Good luck,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 4:59am
This is a similar situation that I have at home but i'm the 14 year old. Being a teenager isn't easy. The year that the teens turn 14 things start to become really hard and there are just times that you want to blame someone because we are angry. Although it is not right to treat a parent this way, we just can't help it. The teenage years aren't easy and parents might just have to wait it out. Even though it's tough to wait it out you just sometimes have to. May be you should have a talk with her and spend some more time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:14am
Hang tight, at this age, everything that goes wrong is a parent's fault, whether it is or not. Actually, that is a good sign because that means she is comfortable enough with you to use you as a target for her venting, though she knows you're really not at fault.

Things will change, it just takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 7:43pm
Just a comment for a moment here. I've read a couple of your posts, staririnasakura and have to say you sound like a pretty neat kid. I think it's great that you are willing to share your thoughts with us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 7:52pm
twoki is totally right, Nancy. 14 was honestly *THE* toughest year for me with my now almost 19 yo dd this way. Man, I couldn't say ONE WORD that was right. I couldn't even half the time ask how SCHOOL went. Ackk, how I hated that. It DID change though.

They really are facing a LOT of stuff esp. at age 14, as the 14 yo poster mentioned. They come home, after putting on a 'front' all day with friends & teachers, and we get the backlash of holding everything in. Imagine having a non-stop internal riot of emotions and dealing with endless dramas all day long, every single day; having your friends be your friend one hour and not the next; making decisions about courses that are supposed to affect you for university. Then they have chores at home, homework after being in school all day long, concerns over whether or not the phone will ring, if someone will still be mad the next day or whatever. AND they are expected to be helpful and sweet and loving at home too. HOME is where their refuge is and where they let out all the frustration, anger, angst, confusion and exhaustion they are feeling. And MAN, is it NOT FUN. I TOTALLY empathize. But this is where they start to learn to find balances in their lives and how to negotiate the very turbulent waters of being especially a young teen.

Pick a way to remove yourself as much as you possibly can from her outbursts. Tell her firmly you realize she's exhausted or stressed out but that this isn't the way to tell you; tell her to do something physical for awhile or take some time out if it's exhaustion and go off on her own for awhile to cool off. This way, she will also learn how to get some downtime in, a chance to recoup too, and a chance to recharge. Keep reinforcing she can say anything she wants to you, but that she has to make an effort to do it with respect and to wait till she's calmer. To just tell you, even if it's through clamped-shut lips that she is not in the mood to talk and sorry, it's not you but she needs just some time to even out again and let her have the time but insist she go off somewhere on her own for a bit in order TO chill out for awhile.

It's not fun. But it really will pass :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2001
Tue, 06-17-2003 - 8:03pm
I agree with the other posters hang in there, It will get better, It is better for her to open up to you than to shut you out. Been there, Mine are 16 and 19.



With Brandi, 6 yo Brittany, Taz 13 yo Persian, W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 1:18pm
well I have a boy - and he is 17- and yes they can get nasty at times, though I hear that girls are *itchier than boys....

anyway, this is what helped me:

first - DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY. your daughter loves you, she feels safe with you, which is why she can *let go* with you. even when it feels like she hates your guts - she really doesn't. she is being a teen.

second - DO NOT get into the endless *discussions* because they do have a way of turning into your fault. just DON'T.

third - certain *rules* must be in place and she may not talk back or yell at you, etc. (whatever things she does tht you don't like). if she does (and she will) then you may choose NOT to drive her somewhere, or NOT to make her fav dinner etc. don't use the *negative* route, i.e., don't say things llike "if you don't.... then I won't....". rather put things in the positive "I was really happy that you helped me clean the house so I made your fav dinner".

fourth - don't forget she is between a little girl and a woman. it may be helpful to you both if you would spend some one-on-one ---- away from home and school. maybe go out for a coffee? go shopping? go on a mini trip?