14 yo stressed out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
14 yo stressed out..
5
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:41pm

You know if there is ONE thing that I don't miss about being a teenager again, its the "what will my future be? what am I meant to do?" uncertainty of that stage of life. At my age, what I am is what I am and I know what I can do and like to do and what my priorities are. But at 14 (going on 15) all you see is this future ahead of you ie college and careers and no idea what choices to make. And there is so much anxiety about not only having to make a choice but making the wrong choice.

My dd is stressing out about this ALOT lately. She's almost done ninth grade. She goes to a good high school where she's enrolled in a special performing arts program due to her having training as a dancer since she was 3. She also dances competitively with a group of girls with whom she's danced for a number of years.

She's now going through this stage where, as a dancer, she feels she isn't "good enough". She compares herself constantly to the other dancers and sees all the areas where she is weaker and she feels inadequate. She always said as she was growing up that she wanted to be a dancer but she's coming to this point where she thinks she likely won't succeed in that career. So now she is fretting because she doesn't know what ELSE she would do if she wasn't a dancer. She excels at all subjects in school but hasn't found any other thing she feels good and passionate about as yet.

I'd say her insecurities in this area are not unique. I'd venture that the majority of 14 yo's don't know where there skills and talents lie and what their options are. My own advice to her was: a. she's too young really to know where her future lies and has alot of time to figure that out; b. she should be open to alot of options other than her dancing; c. she shouldn't give up totally on her dancing as yet given that she isn't really fully grown and she has room for improvement in that area; d. she should work on promoting her strengths and becoming excellent in those areas and not be so concerned about the weaknesses.

I think I got through to her and she's feeling a little better but I wonder if others have had this experience with young teens and how you worked through it with them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 6:50am

My 14yo DD has expressed this as well. She's in a competetive HS program where everyone seems to know "what they want to be". Mid-year she said "is it a problem that I don't know what I want to do when I'm an adult?" I said no - that usually people change their minds at least once in HS or college, and now (early HS) was the time to experiment, find out what you like, and try new things - not narrow down into a specialty. I think you handled your DD really well - this is a time to stretch in multiple directions to see where your strengths and passions are. My DD for example has found out this year that she's enjoying science and math more than in the past - actually finding math 'not so hard'. She also has been stretching her musical talents - and finding out she enjoys this too. Playing bass guitar in Jazz Band has allowed her to move beyond her comfort zone, and find out that's OK too!

So, I think what your DD is going through is not unusual, and is probably healthy - looking at her passions, strengths, and interests.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 7:53am

One thing I'd like to comment on... if your DD is passionate about dance, encourage her not to give it up just because there are other girls who are better than she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:06am

My DD is a freshman as well in all honors classes. She "thinks" she wants to go into international law in the future because of her deep feelings on some pretty hot topics. This entire year, with school work etc she has felt the stress as well.

The other day she came home all upset because her English teacher gave her a 97 on a paper she had written. After class she asked him to explain why she lost the 3 points since nothing has been corrected/docked on the paper. He told her "it's an A, what difference does it make?" He didn't explain the "why" to her. Now looking back IF I had gotten a 97, I would have been jumping for joy, but nope, not her. She is the only one within this class that will end the year with straight A's every semester, but she's flipping out over these 3 points!

My point is, I know for a fact my own DD takes things to heart, very personal and the stress just seems to blow that out of proportion a bit. It's tough to be a teen these days!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 6:47pm
Thanks for all the replies. It is stressful being a teen isn't it? Just seemed that at her age I wasn't really concerned about my career as yet. It seems so "far away".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 11:15pm

I guess I should be happy that my children are at least concerned about their future. When I was their age all I thought about was ballet and dance. My oldest, Avery(19), was worrying about college in 6th grade. I remember having several conversations with her saying that it was okay that she did not know exactly what she wanted to do with her life. So many things would be thrown at her that she should just be open minded and have options. When she finally decided on something she wanted to be in a think tank or a cardiac surgeon. She is now finishing up her first year in college and does not want to be either of those things. I think that you are handling the situation with your daughter well.

Sienna