14 yr. old and boyfriend HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
14 yr. old and boyfriend HELP!!
11
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:06pm

My 14yr. old daughter has had a boyfriend since June. They talk all the time on the phone and during the summer he would walk over to our house every once in awhile to hang out or go for walks when we were around. Sometimes I would take them to the community swimming pool or to a movie, supposedly to meet the rest of their group of friends. She has told me that he is very respectful of her boundaries and sex is not in the picture. We have always had the rule that she can only "group date", but I find that it seems to be morphing into "real dating" Now she wants to know if we can give her boyfriend a ride to the school football game and dance. Of course she says they are meeting the rest of her "group" of friends. Well I feel like this is a date but she says we're being irrational and we don't trust her. So I guess I just want to know:
--How do other parents set boundaries around dating?
--What constitutes a "group" date?
--Isn't she too young to be this involved with 1 person? and how do you change this?

Any help would be appreciated!!
Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 2:09pm
Hi and welcome to the board.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 2:10pm

I'm not sure I understand the 'supposedly', are you saying that you doubt it's true or do you have actual information leading you to believe that she lied to you? If not, I would continue to believe that what she says is true, and watch carefully.

As for giving the bf a ride, I wouldn't be too alarmed about that as long as they are meeting friends. How can you make sure? I don't know the answer to that one...I guess trust has to come in here somewhere, like I said, unless she's given you reason not to trust her.

To me, a group date constitutes three or more people. Sometimes kids go out "paired up", sometimes some of them are on their own. I do think she is too young for one on one dating, but so far (other than the walk to the park, if you want to call that a 'date') it doesn't sound like she's done that (again, unless she's lied to you). I'm not sure you can stop it once it starts (without a lot of grief and sneaking around) so just make sure it doesn't start yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 2:45pm

I think the more effort you spend trying to get your DD away from this boy, the more she will want to latch onto him. Usually high school romances don't last very long anyway.

I think you should drive him to the football game and the dance. After all, these are events where plenty of people are attending, probably including teachers for chaperones. If you don't drive him, won't he be there anyway? Plus all their friends will be there. W/ my experience w/ my own DD, even when she has gone to dances w/ a boy, a lot of times the girls will all dance together because the boys don't like to dance. Plus the girls like to chat, look at each other's dresses, etc.

If you have a good relationship w/ your DD, you have talked about your values and this boy seems nice, eventually you do have to trust her. I don't think there's some magic age. In fact, the older kids are, the more I would be worried. I think a lot of 14 year olds just like the idea of having their first boyfriend. At least now, they are too young to be by themselves driving in cars.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 4:02pm

Thanks so much for your thoughts. All the responses helped me clarify my boundaries a little better.

Have a good day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 6:39pm

When DD was 14, I often picked up her b/f and took them places. I felt like if there was a group of friends at the place they were going to be it was a "group activity". How they got there really didn't matter to me. Plus this boy lived with his elderly grandparents and it was just much safer all around for me to pick him up or he probably wouldn't get to go at all. If you taking them to a movie, I would insist that they wait outside until the rest of the group showed up so that I could make sure there was a group. I've seen kids do some major making out in movie theaters. So I tried to limit the movies.

Yes she probably is too young to be involved with 1 person but she already is and I don't see that changing until one of them wants it to change. I would try to encourage her to spend time at least one night on the weekend without him present even in the group. She needs time with her friends w/o him to further develop her own sense of who she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 8:13pm

I just wanted to comment about isn't she to young to be with one person. While her relastionship may not last with this boy she is not to young. I am not a mother but was a young dater myself. I was 14 turning 15 when I met my boyfriend now husband. We dated all thoughout while I was in high school (he was done with school) while he worked full time. Then we both went to college together and are now happily married and living on our own. We have been together a little over 8 and a half years.

For me it was great, I had no need to be with lots of guy or date around and I had no desire too. I still hung out with friends in school and all the stuff single people did it was just that I had a steady relastionship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:51pm
Do you go to the football games? One of the reasons I went was to make sure my DD and her BF (true, they were 16) felt comfortable being around us and also so I could kind of get a sense of what they were up to. If you don't normally go, then I'm guessing she might think it weird to start suddenly but just a thought or maybe you could come up with a reason why you will go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:58pm
At this age insisting on group dating is the right thing to do. And you hope that that is what is happening. To be honest, they would prefer to group date anyway at 14. That is what I did and that is what my kids did. It's more fun that way. "Going steady" is another thing altogether. My son seemed to like the steady thing and had one girlfriend all through high school and then another for two years after. I think he's taking a break now. My daughter preferred group dating during her school years and had maybe a summer boyfriend or two. Now she has a steady. I wouldn't worry as long as she is open to talking about it with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 4:32am

--How do other parents set boundaries around dating?
Boundaries about dating are best taken as they come up, IMO. If you've begun to allow her to spend time with this boy, it'll be almost impossible (and probably not worth the fight) to try and back-pedal now. If you're uncomfortable with one-on-one dates, keep that rule in place and discuss with your daughter when is an appropriate age do have one-on-one dates. I find that the more say teenagers have in the rule making, the easier it will be and the more likely they are to follow them without much complaint.

--What constitutes a "group" date?
I think any more than just the "couple" constitutes a group date. Even if there is only one other friend present, the focus is less on just the two of them.

--Isn't she too young to be this involved with 1 person? and how do you change this?
In my area, having boyfriends/girlfriends starts in the first year of highschool or so. Often these relatonships are short-lived anyway, so it's not really what I consider being with just one person. Sure, it's just one person for a few months, but they aren't likely to end up getting married.
As far as changing it goes, the most effective way to end it is to just allow it to run it's course. If she feels resistance on your part towards the relationship, she's likely to dig her heels in even further and become determined to stay in the relationship.

I know it's hard watching your daughter grow up into a young woman, but as long as the lines of communication between the two of you remain open, I wouldn't worry. I really stress letting teenagers know that they can come to you with anything, no matter how much you may not like it. It makes things easier in the long run, even if there are many uncomfortable conversations in the meantime.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 8:52am

my daughter is 14 and has her first boyfriend - she met him in art camp - where neither of them had their own friends with them... she brought him to meet a couple of her friends and she's met his friends but it was weird for both of them and they prefer to be alone with each other... so in this case - the group date thing wasn't working for them although - i don't think i'd call it a group date since both my daughter and her BF are the only one's in their circles who have a BF/GF... now they are both just starting seperate high schools and i imagine their time together will dwindle but i haven't had a problem with her seeing him alone or being committed to one person ....

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