14 yr old d and sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
14 yr old d and sex
8
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 10:27pm

Please....Any advice will be helpful!!! Ijust found out that 14 yr old daughter is very close to if not already having sex. I know for sure that she gotten into heavy petting with a boy in her class. I have been very candid about sex and we have had several serious discussions about it. ie, safe sex, VD, and just being ready to be involved so intimately with someone else. She is with her father this weekend and I have warned him not to let her home alone since her bf lives close th her dad's house. I know I have to confront her on this and I am sorry, but sex at this age is not ok...she is just too young to deal with all the emotional issues that go along with it....not to mention moral issues which seem to have no value in todays culture

thank you for any advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 12:49am

I feel for you. I'm the mother of a 13 year old boy who I know is moving towards "making out" and it terrifies me. I think you just need to be upfront with her. It's NOT ok at be doing that at 14, and there are a millions reasons why. I think if I were you, I'd definitely go at it from the angle of asking her how she feels about all of it and if she's interested. From there, use your best judgement and guide her as best you can.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 8:46am
Thanks for the input Christy. Unfortunately, I have been upfront with her and she has made it clear to me that she is not ready. What she says to me and what she does are two different things. I have to confront her today or tomorrow and am not looking forward to it.
Thanks again, Ro
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 9:35am

What a crazy and confusing time our kiddos are going through! FWIW, I'm not sure that "heavy petting" and then intercourse are immediately together. It sounds from my DD that they do alot of making out, but (so far) not further.

If your DD says she's not ready, then I'd talk to her about what you said - that what she says and what she might do are different - talk about the pressure of the moment and temptation. I've talked to my DD about staying out of tempting situations. Not because I don't trust her, but because why set yourself up to be tempted like that. So, don't be alone with your BF - not because of trust, but because then you're in this uncomfortable postion of having to resist, say no, etc. It's easier to just avoid a tempting or dangerous situation.

HTH

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 10:28am

Thanks Sue. My daughter has already found a way to sneak over to her bf's house when his mother is not there. She has talked about how great it feels to be "fingered" and how she gives "hand jobs" instead of "blow jobs'. There has also been talk between her and her bf about what to do since they have no condoms. By the way, at 14, she is not allowed to go out on dates yet and the only time she sees her bf is at school or school functions. She is trying very hard to sneak around and be deceptive.

Ro

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 11:27am

Many {{{hugs}}} - I know how hard it is to face the fact that your 14dd is or may be having sex. My now 16dd lost her virginity this past summer. As if I had a premonition, I put her on the pill a couple of months before - she didn't even have a BF. I also wrote her a letter about all the reasons it's so important for her to safeguard her body and how sharing herself with someone on that level is a major step and that she needs to respect her right to say no, if that's how she feels. I added a lot of stuff about the emotional impact and how even though a boy tells her he loves her and promises to never tell another soul, he will. Then, after she read the letter, we talked some more. Although I didn't want my dd to take that step, I knew in my heart that she was wired to do so. I am thankful that within 3 hours of doing so, she came to me and told me everything - some things I didn't even want to hear, but ever so grateful that A)she was prepared as far as safe sex goes, and B) she felt comfortable telling me about it - she said she was going to tell her sister first, but then decided that she felt safer telling me first and C) the boy she's with was a virgin also and I was able to sit them both down and discuss safety and other probable issues that may come up - it was a very candid discussion and I marveled at thier maturity.

I'm not saying you should throw in the towel and go get your dd some condoms. But I am saying you should sit down with her and discuss this in a very adult fashion. If you discuss it with her from a very parental view, she will not open up. You have to make the environment comfortable enough for her to want to share it with you so you can get a TRUE snapshot of where she is at with her sexuality. When my dd was 14 she wanted everyone to THINK she was sexually savvy, but in reality, she was like a scared dog with her tail between her legs if I ever raised the topic (I talked anyway). Perhaps your dd is all talk right now...you don't know for certain.

I have found the best times for me and my dd's to talk is either on a long drive or a day at the mall or out to lunch or one a walk with the dogs. Find a time that's right for both of you and just dive in. There is no other way. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:18pm
All I can say is that I engaged in that type of "foreplay" activity as a 14,15 yo and I didn't make it as far as intercourse until I was 21. Just because she's making out and heavy petting doesn't mean she's ready to have sexual intercourse. But in any event make sure you talk about your thoughts on teens having sex as often as you can. Do it casually as if you're having a conversation. Maybe while you are watching a film that features teen sexual activity. Just guage her thoughts and ideas. Sometimes you'd be surprised. This type of thing is fun for teens but often they aren't ready to go the whole nine yards -- that's a big step as we all know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:23pm
Your daughter came right out and said she give him hand jobs and loves to be fingered??? is that petting? i thought as far as heavy petting would go is french kiss and being felt up. did not know there was penetration and ejaculation....am i dumb. my dd is 14 and is now interested in a guy that is 15 and he just came out of a relationship w/a girl 16 and it was a 1 1/2 yr relationship and you can't tell me they weren't haveing sex and this is what i am afraid of. this boy already has had sex and if he gets together w/my daughter i am afraid he will try it w/her too..i am pretty certain at this point she has not done any of the "petting" stuff...she never really had a "boyfriend" like her friends do but she is getting seriously interested in this particular guy. and i'm so afraid. both my children are going forward too fast. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. can't we just fast forward to age 22 or rewind to 4 yrs old? i wish. and how do you react when your daughter comes to you hours after the "act" and tell you??? what do you say? and if you prepare them are we sending them a message that it's ok to have sex??? omg this is too much. how did my parents survive raising 7 children?
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 1:36pm
Please check your private email. I sent you a message.