14 Yr Old Daughter Taking Lead With Boy
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| Mon, 10-10-2005 - 6:49pm |
We’re new to this board and have a problem that we couldn’t find discussed (here or elsewhere). We have a 14 year old daughter who is a freshman in high school. She is a good kid and really has never given us any cause for concern until now. Our daughter has been dating her first boyfriend for one month. The speed with which they have become increasingly physical is our cause for concern, but the primary issue we’d like to discuss is that it is our daughter who is obviously taking the lead in this regard. Rather than explaining to our daughter that she needs to know she can say “no” to a boy, we have to figure out how to get HER to slow down and why it’s important. She merely says that they are not having and will not have sex and that she enjoys “making out”. However, we’ve heard from a friend’s mother that she admitted to the friend that they’ve gone way beyond just kissing. And she seems to be the instigator...
While we are certainly shocked by what’s happened in one month’s time, we realize we can’t stop her from seeing the boy even if we wanted to since they are in classes and after school activities together. Rather, we understand that our primary goal is to explain why her conduct is too much too soon and is very likely to lead to things she may regret. Any suggestions as to how to get this message across to her convincingly and meaningfully would be most appreciated.

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I feel your pain. My (then) 12 y.o. daughter, who looked about 25 at the time, had her first sexual experience with a 16 y.o. HS quarterback in the back of a movie theater. It was her idea, she brought a condom and made him use it, she arranged the whole thing.
My calmer perspective is that when a girl's gonna, she's gonna, and there just isn't much you can do to stop it. My dad perspective was, after my head stopped spinning in circles and the blue smoke stopped coming out of my ears, was to call the dad of the boy involved and tell him that if I saw his kid within 30 yards of my daughter, I'd turn him in to the police (it's major felony weight to have sex with a 12 year old in Indiana).
Talk to her if you want, but it's going to be rough to convince her not to if she's determined. You can ground her, you can pull her from school and teach her at home to separate her from some of the environmental pressures that have brought her here. But as I said at the beginning, if she's gonna, she's gonna, and at best, you're just going to slow her down a bit.
It might be time to talk with her about *how* so that she doesn't get hurt.
ILR
Good luck with this one. I truely understand how you feel. Our dd,14, has been boy crazy since preschool. Seriously. She had a bf this summer and, like your dd, definately took the lead as far as physical progress went - until she got scared and broke it off. Our situation is a bit different - she was adopted as an infant and her bm was a very young teen. This is huge with her and I think that is what ultimately scared her. As to your question as to how to help her put the brakes on ... this is what I did w/ our dd. When she started seeing bf, I had a discussion with her about how "all these books on the subject of sex talk about how to say "no", but they don't address how to deal with your own feelings" - by validating the fact that she also had these feelings, I think I was able to get her to listen a little closer. I told her that I'd never heard an adult say they wish they'd had sex at a younger age, but I knew PLENTY of adults who wished they'd waited. Yes, I know I sound like a boring adult, but she WAS listening and the fact that she broke it off when things got a little TOO heavy makes me believe that she really did want to take it a little slower. Keep talking to her and keep listening. It is not unusual (these days) for girls to be more aggresive than boys - ( God help us), so realize that she probably is perfectly normal. Keep a VERY close eye on her (we did this w/dd and bf and I know that, in the end, she was glad we did).
Best of luck to you.
jt
I agree with jt that talking to her is your best bet - acknowledging her feelings, but also being honest about the risks of early sex. I've talked with my DD about the emotional risks of early sex - that it makes you feel "close" but you're really not, that if it ends you feel really crappy because of the physical piece - as well as the physical piece. There's also social risks - that you become known as the one who will "do it" whatever it is.
I think it's had an impact on my DD in realizing it's not just "fun", but also has consequences - and the consequences aren't just pregnancy.
Good luck!
Sue
First of all, from the mom of 3 boys, thank you for being observant and honest
I think boys continue to take the 'blame' for instigating irregardless of who is making the majority of the moves
Someone made a great point!! Girls are taught how to say NO. I never thought of that before but that is so true. We assume they are being talked into it and are not addressing what they should or should not be doing if they are actually having more of those feelings
Good luck!
mandd123, I am so sorry to hear this about your daughter -- I know that it is hard and it is a phase in their lives and one day things will get better but in the meantime it is important to teach and preach to your kids about the dangers of the internet. I don't know what your daughter did on the internet but it sounds like it was serious -- you should check out these stories on netsmartz -- maybe one of them will apply for you and hopefully put things into perspective. These true stories are out there to teach the dangers of internet like IM, internet porn, strangers on the internet, etc -- I hope this helps and please let me know :)
Good luck and I hope everything gets better
Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer and sharing your insights. We're taking it all in and psyching ourselves up for a major talk with our daughter tomorrow. Our heads are still reeling over the fact that she hadn't so much as held a boy's hand five weeks ago...I've said it's like someone who just got their driver's license thinking they're qualified to race in the Indy 500!
Our daughter seems to believe that there's only two categories of conduct: (i) sex, which she says she won't do, and (ii) everything else, which she seems perfectly willing to do. We understand how an inexperienced child could feel that way given what she and her peers are exposed to in the media on a daily basis, so one of our goals tomorrow is going to be to explain that meaningful intimacy is a progression that builds on prior experiences of different types of closeness (and certainly may culminate in sex). She's obviously misguided in thinking that doing everything but sex has no ramifications, emotional, physical or otherwise. Man, who knew this would be so hard...
Mom of 3 sons here.
MOst everyone has covered what I would. I would definitely talk to her. I wouldn't dwell on the physical consequences except to say to her that STD's can be transmitted by oral sex as well. I would cover how the relationship changes once the physical stuff gets involved. It goes from an emotionally close one to one that is focused on physical. I would talk to her about how the guys and her friends will view her differently. If she is a religious person, I would definitely ask her how she reconciles her faith with her actions. If she's a religious person, I would also make sure that she understands that God is forgiving so she doesn't have to deal with a whole lot of guilt later on. You may be the only one talking but I promise she will be listening.
Also, in our community, the local hospital offers classes for teens and their parents. Girls and boys are separate. They cover all the physical stuff pretty quickly but they spend a huge amount of time on the emotions involved. Some of the kids at our church have been through it and I can see a difference between them and the others. Just something to think about.
Good Luck!!
May I ask how you know this? Is she this forthcoming with you, or it is some type of snooping that has gone on? Since you don't know me, please realize I won't judge you if you have snooped - have done some of that myself...
One thing I've learned from the ladies on this board who have dd's older than mine (13 going on 25) is how important establishing communication on sexual issues can be. I must admit that I feel like I've been a failure in this department, mostly because I didn't want to face the sexuality of "my little girl", until it hit me smack dab in the face. On the advise of tobylady and others, I have come to realize that its not too late ( I can't believe she's 13 and I'm saying this) and its my very important JOB to have these embarassing conversations with dd - whether she likes it or not. We had our first one a couple of weeks ago. She actually crawled underneath my bed while I talked. She didn't say one word the entire time. But I have hopes things will get better. There doesn't always seem to be a perfect time to bring these issues up - so I just "do". Dh is going to talk to her soon, as well - don't know how that will go! talk about embarrassing - but we feel he is better equipped to talk to her from the "boys point of view". That is because my dd - whenever I mention anything having to do with what boys think, she calls me on it, asking me how I know because I'm not a boy, never have been, etc. My dd is very private, secretive, and we have major trust issues due to what has gone on recently -including the fact that she was/may still be cutting.
I just finished reading "Beyond the Big Talk" which was good, and am now reading "10 Talks Parents Must have with their children about Sex and Character".
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