14 yr old DD problems making friends
Find a Conversation
14 yr old DD problems making friends
| Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:29am |
I've had a rough few months with my 14 yr old 9th grade DD. She is a very very smart girl, who has been in gifted education since 3rd grade, and is strikingly beautiful... to the point where people on the street ask if she is a model. However, she isn't a very happy girl. She isn't part of a large social group. She has 1 close girl friend and a few other "sometimes" friends. I've talked to teachers about her inability to become part of a social group. They have indicated that she is very mature for her age... much more so that most other kids... and that her natural beauty threatens many of the girls. She has many casual friends on teams/clubs etc... but not a group to call every weekend. She just doesn't seem to follow thru on friendships. If she tries to make plans with someone new and they are not available.... she will never seem to ask again. She easily feels rejected and takes the rejection to heart. She needs to find smart girls for friends who share interests with her. However, these aren't the girls she wants as friends. She can always find something "wrong" with all of these girls. I'll ask about girls in her classes... and she will be able to name every boy and every detail about every boy.... but not much about the girls. I think she must be a big flirt... and maybe that is also a turn-off to the other girls. Any ideas on how to help/encourage her to find a group. She is spending a lot of time with her boyfriend of 2 months... and I am starting to question the wisdom of allowing her to she him too much. Thanks!

Pages
A few thoughts
Is she unhappy? Maybe having one or two close friends is OK - some people have huge social circles, others are just as happy with one BFF.
I'm a big big skeptic about "natural beauty". I'm more impressed by girls who are pretty and don't act like they know it all the time. My DD has several friends who don't seem to know how pretty they are - this is much more interesting and attractive to a potential friend than the girls who are "known" to be pretty. You're right that other girls are put off by that. Not "threatened" but just annoyed.
She sounds like she has high standards for friends. Maybe you can talk to her about accepting people for who they are, and not expecting each friend to be perfect.
But if she's happy with her friends and clubs so far, I'd be inclined to let it go until she comes to you and asks for help.
Sue
In some ways, your daughter sounds very much like my son when he was in 8th and 9th grade. His best friend in 7th grade was a boy who played different sports than DS, and who came to be closer friends with the boys who shared those interests. DS simply would not call other friends and I think it was cuz he was afraid of being rejected. The differences are that my son is just okay when it comes to looks, not in g/t, but a hard-working, good student, and he is not mature for his age. He is clearly an introvert. In 10th grade he finally became good friends with someone I'd always suggested he call the previous two years, but he'd always told me, "he's too whiney". Last summer they enlarged their circle of friends to include some who were less afraid of the alcohol scene and, being the follower he is, my son joined in. (Just found THAT out last month when DS was suspended from school for 5 days for admitting to taking a few sips of rum before a football game.)
Sorry I don't have any words of advice to help your DD make new friends. Because my son had the same problem, I was probably less vigilant than I should have been when he finally did have a larger group of friends--I was just happy that he had them. (They are good students, as well, just more adventurous than my son is on his own.) All I can do is warn you to keep your eyes wide open when she does find new friends.
It might be good that your DD has a boyfriend so that she has at least ONE friend in whom she can confide. Again, just keep an eye out so that things don't get too heavy with him. I recently told DS, "I'm sure glad you are not a girl, cuz I'm sure you'd be pregnant by now if you were."
-----------------------------------------------
http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
My thoughts on this are very similar to Sue's. Does your DD seem happy? If she does, then I'd try not to worry too much. She has one good gf she can depend on. Often, one good friend is more valuable than a dozen 'sometimes' friends.
Your DD sounds a lot like mine in the personality department. (I happen to think my DD is also a lovely young lady, but I'm a bit biased where she's concerned!) I too, worry about her social life and she does too, and that's where it's hard. My DD seems to have lots of friends from school, but gets very few invites outside of school or on weekends. Her birthday was last month and you should have seen what she came home with! Balloons, gifts, cards ... someone decorated her locker, someone else brought brownies to share and yet another person brought a birthday cake, candles and party favors for an after school party. But on the weekends she's most often home with me. I certainly encourage her to invite friends over, etc., but she seems reluctant more often than not. I can encourage only so much before she has to take the initiative herself. She knows that I am willing to drive and do whatever she needs.
When I get the chance, I have made a point to observe her lately around her peers and I think she does set herself apart a little bit and she may come across as unapproachable and/or uninterested in other people. Perhaps that is the case with your DD? She may seem unapproachable to other kids so they don't attempt to befriend her. Just a thought.
Another would be to focus less on her physical appearance and more on her hobbies, interests, etc and make THAT what your DD is about. Not so much about how beautiful she is, kwim? Ever notice how a person who at first you feel isn't that attractive gets more and more so the more you get to know them? When their personality outshines their physical appearance? Maybe it's not her beauty that threatens other kids, but her knowledge and awareness of her beauty.
My DD often seems more comfortable around older people than kids her one age. For a while now, she has been interested in ballroom dance and I wasn't able to find a class specifically for teens, but I did find a studio that accepts teens in it's classes. She is one of two 15yo girls, and there is also one young man about 19-20. The rest are all older people 45+ but it doesn't bother DD at all! She has a ball and it's something she can feel good about. (The fact that the 20-something instructor is quite attractive and often chooses DD as a partner for demonstrations doesn't hurt either!)
Maybe you can find something your DD is interested in that would allow her to interact with people slightly older than she is?
Edited 11/20/2006 11:11 am ET by hydrangea_blue
<>
This confused me-can you explain in a little more detail?
Also, if you are having 2nd thoughts about the dating, you can admit to the error and set some restrictions. We ARE human!!
First, she is quite aware of her beauty... too aware. It's been stressed WAY too much all her life.... something I would never allow to happen if I could go back in time. She knows how pretty she is. Sometimes, I think she feels that people should like her just because she's attractive. I really try to stress inner beauty with her... and I am a very plain sweatsuit-wearing, mascara only kind of Mom. I don't think she buys the inner beauty thing at all. Looks matter a lot to her.
I thought the boyfriend might be a big positive in her life. It was at first... but now that I am getting to know boyfriend and his friends.. I don't like a lot of what I see. I caught DD smoking pot this weekend while with BF and his friends. Boyfriend is part of a big social group with a large range of ages (14 to 19ish). Many of his friends drive and frankly many of them seem like big stoners. I don't want DD riding around with someone who is stoned. Boyfriend is an athlete.. doesn't seem to be a big druggie... who knows.... many of the athletes are the biggest pot-heads around. DD has also been caught drinking several times since dating boyfriend. It seems that she will do anything to be accepted by this group. I never once had these types of problems prior to boyfriend. Yet, I don't know what to do here. Boyfriend provides a lot of social time, which I think she needs. I hate to remove that from her... but how can I allow her to be part of a group that is doing illegal things on weekends?
She is not happy with just a few friends. She is constantly crying to me about how she can't make friends. I think she tries to be someone other than who is really is and that this gets in the way of friendship. She is a math-loving, deep thinking, probably slightly nerdy girl at heart.... but she wants to befriend the popular, airy-type girls that she has nothing in common with.
Thanks for letting me vent. I've just had it today and needed to let this out! You are all the best for listening to me !!
<>
You can't-she wayyy too young! Bluntly, if she is doing all this NOW, what is she going to do in three years? Is she going to be 'over it' or is it going to escalate? With her need to fit in, I would worry about the latter.
Does she know you know about the alcohol and pot? Just tell her it isnt going to happen and the only way she can see BF is over at your home and under your nose. You can rent DVDs or video games;provide junk food. You might even want to suggest they invite one other couple and bring out some party board games(my son talked about a group playing Cranium this weekend)
Thats social-its supervised. And if BF doesnt like it, oh well.......
I see you have an older son-curious, how does this play in? Is she trying to be like him? Not like him?
I agree with windrush on this one.
IMO, that is more of an issue than her making friends. I guess your hoping that if she makes friends of her own then she wont engage in this behavior with her BF and his friends. The problem is, if thats what she likes to do then when she makes new friends they may do these things too.
My DD(14) sometimes comes off as very shallow and obsessed with appearances as well, and ditzy and social. I get very frusterated with this myself, because she, too, seems to be very easily influenced. Right now my concern with her is that she does not know who she is, or what she stands for, and what her boundaries are. So my advice, is get her to know herself and her limits because peer pressure is very powerful, as you have seen with her crowd lately. I don't know to tell you to get her to do that. But start by talking to her and see where that goes.
Good luck!
I would not allow my DD to have a boyfriend at 14. If I knew one time that my DD smoked pot or drank alcohol, no way would she ever be allowed to continue being friends/girlfriends with that group.
I'd rather her be alone in the house than out smoking and drinking at age 14. When will she have sex, in about another few weeks, maybe New Yrs. Eve?
I totally understand your dilemma, but I honestly feel her knowing 'how beautiful she is' has alot to do with it. She may be coming across as very conceited and very, very flirty, which is a turn-off to other girls her age. Who would want to be close friends with the school FLIRT?????
I think if she acted natural (& not so consumed about appearances) she'd do much better in life and go further. If she is depending on her looks to take her places, good luck to her!!
I would encourage her to be friends with EVERYBODY, even the nerdy girl that sits next to her in class. I think empathy is very important. I'd love to raise a compassionate, caring DD if I can!!
P.S. my DD is very, very bright also. All her classmates know how smart she is, but she is very down-to-earth and therefore has lots of friends. She's cute, but 'not drop-dead beautiful' and is not interested in boys at all. (thank goodness!!!!!)
Agree with the others. My grandfather used to say "mejor sola que mal acompanada" which roughly translated means, "Better alone than in bad company."
I have to confess I've never heard of your particular problem before - a very intelligent and beautiful girl who would rather hang with "losers". Everyone seems to be focused on the beauty issue - I'd like to take it one step further. Perhaps your dd does not want to be an "intellectual snob". Believe me, I've seen plenty of them in my lifetime. Perhaps there is more to her than her beauty and her brains - she's compassionate, perhaps - but believe me there must be something that connects her to these kids.
As for the group of friends and boyfriend angle, you have your work cut out for you. Everyone agrees your dd, beautiful or not, has to stop hanging out with a group of kids who drink and smoke weed. No brainer, right? Yet, easier said than done. The minute you forbid contact you encourage it. Hey, nobody said this parenting thing was easy. So, as I was advised, when I had this problem myself a year ago I did not "forbid" dd to see her bad influence friend, however, she had to see her at my house under my supervision. Sleepovers also had to be at my house. She saw right through this. Obviously, it is a form of forbidding contact. She will be angry, she will be upset, she may stop talking to you if she does now. But as a parent you have to take the responsibility of being the bad guy now and again. When drugs and drinking are involved you have to do it, like - yesterday! Good luck.
Pages