14 yr old DD problems making friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
14 yr old DD problems making friends
15
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:29am
I've had a rough few months with my 14 yr old 9th grade DD. She is a very very smart girl, who has been in gifted education since 3rd grade, and is strikingly beautiful... to the point where people on the street ask if she is a model. However, she isn't a very happy girl. She isn't part of a large social group. She has 1 close girl friend and a few other "sometimes" friends. I've talked to teachers about her inability to become part of a social group. They have indicated that she is very mature for her age... much more so that most other kids... and that her natural beauty threatens many of the girls. She has many casual friends on teams/clubs etc... but not a group to call every weekend. She just doesn't seem to follow thru on friendships. If she tries to make plans with someone new and they are not available.... she will never seem to ask again. She easily feels rejected and takes the rejection to heart. She needs to find smart girls for friends who share interests with her. However, these aren't the girls she wants as friends. She can always find something "wrong" with all of these girls. I'll ask about girls in her classes... and she will be able to name every boy and every detail about every boy.... but not much about the girls. I think she must be a big flirt... and maybe that is also a turn-off to the other girls. Any ideas on how to help/encourage her to find a group. She is spending a lot of time with her boyfriend of 2 months... and I am starting to question the wisdom of allowing her to she him too much. Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 3:19pm

Sounds to me like you're being manipulated by a very smart young lady

From these comments it appears that your DD is not so much interested in having friends as she is in getting your attention and your compliance. IOW, you are pretty much allowing her to do whatever it takes to have any friend she can get, including running around with a very dangerous crowd. I went through this with my son. He knew this was a soft spot with me and he exploited it in order to get extra privileges (e.g. extra video game time when friends visited, getting out of chores when a friend asked him at the last minute to come over, etc.). I finally came to realize that friends are really not that important to him and I am no longer stressed about it.

My suggestion would be to be brutally honest with her, the next time she comes crying to you, that it is her own fault she doesn't have friends. Better for her to fix the problem now than for you to allow her to keep going down this destructive path she is on.

Just my opinion,
PS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 5:43pm

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I've been thinking this all along, but haven't figured out how to say it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 8:15pm

Dear Hollybeary2006;

I understand and can empathize with what you are going through. I don't have dauthers but my 14year old son seems to be experiencing the same kind of symptoms on his side. He also is in the gifted class and considers most kids his age too 'immature' for his standards. He is a gifted musician but does not relate to people well at all.
He is not a flirt but he has ton's of 'girl' friends and virtually no male friends.
His attitude is of constant 'anger and depression'.

I'm sorry I really don't have any advice to give you- other than to relate with your frustration. I have my son seeing a psychologist right now which is costing me an arm&leg!
And I really have not seen much positive progress.

Let me know if you stumble upon a magical cure.... I'm kind of thinking that we just have to 'ride the wave' until the tide settles down...

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 5:40pm

Hugs to you as you need them. First thing you should know is that my DD is 26 & I have BTDT with her. There are things you need to do to help her but she needs to do things herself.

My DD was so vain by the time she was 5 that I took her mirror out of her room for 15 yrs. People where always telling her how beautiful she was. She also qualified for the gifted program in gr 3. I chose not to put her in the formal program as I had seen some kids who developed an inflated opinion of themselves. We worked with the school to ensure DD has extra challenges to keep her happy. I placed her in every sport & activity she wanted & she always was successful in them. This resulted in her being unpopular with other girls. She normally had 1 or 2 good girlfriends but mainly had a lot of male friends. This was excellent for her as she was never boy crazy as she was used to dealing with guys.

My DD spent her gr 9 & gr 10 years sitting at home most Friday or Saturday nights in spite of having a b/f. We insisted that she be supervised when with him. They dated from the time she was 14 to 17. In spite of everything we did to watch over DD she still used pot, drank & had sex as a teen. The difference with her is that she made informed decisions and discussed many of her decisions with me (after the fact of course). She was very mature & learned quickly from her mistakes.

DD was 5 mths old the first time we were asked to put her in modeling. I said no until she was 17. By then she wasn't vain & knew that interbeauty was more important. It's a tough business and is very hard on the ego. I would suggest you learn into this for your DD. She will show up at a casting call with 50 other girls who look just like her and then she will deal with possible rejection. She may be successful like my DD but even still she will run into those who feel she isn't what they want that day and sometimes they can be cruel.

Like the others suggested, I would restrict her access to the b/f. Modelling would give her something else to do. Be careful & don't leave your DD to deal with the industry on her own. Pls contact me directly if you need any advice on the modelling. DD is planning to write a book for parents on how to protect their DDs in this industry.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 12:15am

Thanks to you all for your very honest input! I have a lot to think about. DD is well aware that I know about the pot smoking and drinking. She actually told me about the pot herself. She came home smelling like cigarette smoke and DH threatened to go buy a drug test... and she spilled everything out about the pot. She can no longer go visit her BF (who lives about 20 minutes away). He is welcome at our home... but she can't go there. This really hit her this weekend when BF chose to stay home and "hang" with his friends instead of seeing her. She found people to hang-out with and actually seemed fairly happy. BF came over tonight... I was hoping the whole pot-smoking incident would come up... as he knows that we know what happened. The issue didn't come up although he sat very nervously at our dinner table! I kind of enjoyed his uneasiness! Anyway... DD seemed much more social this weekend w/o BF as a crutch. DD also cannot sleep-over at anyone's house. She was invited to a sleep-over on Friday and Sat. and we made her come home at midnight. I'm hoping this she is feeling the pain of not being trusted very much.

I wonder if DD might feel competition with her older brother (??). He is really a great guy... with many many friends (both boys and girls). He moves easily among many social groups. He is being recruited by several colleges for soccer.... I guess it would be easy to feel intimidated by him. I know she get jealous when we attend his sporting events... even though we attend everything that she is involved in also.
Anyway... thanks for all your comments! I truly appreciate all of your input! HUGS.....

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